This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I can't believe I have neglected posting on here for two months. Hmmm.... Jaciel is now six months old and two days. It seems so unbelievable that its been six whole months since the first time I held her, kissed her and saw her beautiful tiny face. Now she has grown beyond the small six pound fifteen ounce mini being into a fifteen pound, twenty-five inches long infant. She has such a personality, stealing the hearts of those that gaze upon her. Ha, then again I think all baby's have that innate ability to steal the hearts of the onlookers. I know my heart strings get tugged each time I see the tiny little features, miniature hands and feet of a baby.

I am so glad that she is oblivious to the latest happenings. I am so thankful for her inability to understand loss, illness and worry. I know that means she is yet to discover the ability to love and care. However right now all she needs is the understanding of is the need for security, sustenance, comfort, rest and all those basic needs. Which from her smiles, giggles, and happy babbles I think her needs are satisfied and I feel blessed to be able to meet those needs.

The reason I say this is well lately illness has struck close to home and death struck close to home recently as well. Worry and concern for ones that we love are such constant thoughts at the moment. Its amazing how at one time we wanted for nothing, we just depended on our care giver to give care. Not a tear for sadness touched our face, maybe tears calling out alarm and communication but never sadness or worry. Those were the days, too bad non of us remember that peace of mind. Sleep as often as we like, eat when we desire, be held or not as much as out little hearts content and of course play without a care in the world sheltered by the innocence of childhood. This phase doesn't last long, some are lucky to bask in this safety longer then others but I am beginning to think it is never nearly long enough.

Jaciel has advanced to solid food and hasn't turned down a single offer of yumminess. She has graduated to her own room and her crib. She has always slept solo but in the same room as us, now she has moved on to bigger and better shows of independence. As much as I'd like to preserve the innocence, the childhood that I spoke of above it doesn't feel like this current world is safe enough to draw out the simplicity of only focusing on basic needs and dependance on those needs being provided without question. Sadly, too quickly now days the real world is placed in front of you offering so many options before many are ready to understand exactly what is being offered. I can't afford for her to not cultivate that independence needed to feel safety even apart from me. I know having her sleep in her own room isn't a huge step but I think its step closer to being able to soothe herself and still know I will come running if she truly needs me. Maybe its not the right way but I don't know how to lead her down a path that will create a strong character. I do the best I can. I just hope I am not doing it all wrong. Not a day goes by that I doubt myself. Then again not a day goes by that I don't think of how much I want her to grow into a well rounded, independent woman one day. I don't want to hold on too tightly to these lovely cuddle stages for my convenience and happiness. Having a child is so much more ... its just so much more!

Its coming about that Jaciel might have a fairly common skin problem. As common as it may be I am unaware of how to work with it. Thankfully I have two very wonderful people in my life that never hesitate to help me. Angie and Crystal are a constant in my life and boy am I grateful for them. Angie being a sufferer of Eczema has been my go-to girl during this discovery. I just want to say that I am blessed not only with a beautiful little girl, a superb father for her and support for me but also a one of a kind wonderful support system who love our little girl so very much.

We should be moving soon. A wonderfully old three bedroom two and a half bathroom house is going to be our new home come September. This home isn't only in the same town but the same street as we currently live on. I know that this area isn't the favorite of some of our friends but really its not so bad or so dangerous that we feel the need to move out of the neighborhood just out of these apartments. The new lease is already signed and the notice has already been given to the current landlord. I am excited to finally have a yard, a large kitchen and well a HOUSE! I miss having a house. I have so many ideas on how I want it all to work, and be set up. Lets see how it all works.

Other then the basic mundane duties of living life and the stressors mentioned above, which kind of just goes with living life. Nothing exciting or really note worthy has taken place.

I hope that it doesn't take me another two months to update this blog. Also I hope to announce a happy outcome for those that I am currently worried about. As for right now I am going to continue to enjoy my beautiful baby girl and relish in every milestone reached, each sing song babble, every wonderful smile and unbridled giggle. Until next time....

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Posting Pictures and Video's

I just posted a bunch of new pictures and video's on Facebook. I can't believe how much she has grown compared to the video's and pictures to now. Look....

Tiny, compared to sitting up and being more alert and talkative then ever.
Look at this Video, its my favorite.

Its just too cute. She is, just so amazing. Today in the car she sat in her snug car-seat and proceeded to tell me just how tired she was. Not with cries and of course not with actual words but with ever conversational coo possible. Her facial expressions are that of an adult. So contemplative and intense. I've been told that is a sign that she is going to be a bright one. I wouldn't doubt it. Not because, or at least not just because she is my child but no baby looks like they are trying to figure out the weight of the world like she does with that face. Its almost, weird. Yet I love it. Hell maybe she will be your everyday typical person with nothing intellectually special about her, but she will be special due to that unique personality. Or maybe she will be a genius, unlike her humble parents. *SHRUG* who knows. Yet right now looking at how expressive she can be already I know for a fact I am going to have my hands full as she grows. I can see the teenage issues already LOL. - I am looking forward to every minute of it, and every second leading up to it. - I love my baby girl so much and her Papa loves her even more. Which I love that he loves her the way he does. Its amazing. This is how its suppose to be.

Monday, May 2, 2011


...how many times has he died.... my daughter still isn't safe. One terrorist dead. good! Sadly I don't think it will stop things... I just want for peaceful times. Which in times where money is more vital then wealth then times won't improve.

Late Night

.... yeah so diapers had to be done. However that isn't what made my late night.
I want to help a friend. She is going through tough times. I understand those times more then she can even imagine. Its different but its hard. The emotions are the same, angry, hurt, apologetic, confused. Then wondering why apologetic even comes into play. Its just so much. Its.... life. Nothing is easy. My life isn't totaly perfect but no ones is. This is as happy as I've ever been. My daughter is a great deal of it. However I have something else. We have our issues. MAJOR ones but its nothing that can't be compromised with time. I am willing to wait. I am willing to try. I have what I want and need. Compromise isn't too hard to do..... I am picky and I will be as I look at him. He has asked many times. Will I agree?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Hot Kitchen... whew!

Well well... I guess I am starting to get back into my groove. I can't say I was totally removed from doing my thing but it took me a minute to get motivated to make advanced meals and actually look at my house and say to myself, "I need to get this crap together." then actually begin doing it. With any big change in ones lifestyle things get thrown of kilter. I am starting to bring things back together, slowly.

Jaciel is napping so sweetly in her swing. The kind of sleep a little one gets is one of a kind. I yearn for the total relaxed slumber. If dreams are had, they must be good ones because all I ever see is smiles while her sleepy body rests up for the next part of her day in this crazy over stimulated environment she is learning about. I couldn't imagine remembering how it felt to be exposed to the wild, interesting world that is around me now and seems so mundane even depressing at times. Yet when its all new it must be amazing. She smiles, and talks so much. The only worry she has isn't even a worry its a given in her mind. To be fed and clean with no doubt that those two demands will be met with soft words and quick hands. Amazed, why can't we remember these peaceful moments before life became filled with responsibilities and demands that aren't met with smiles if met at all.

I thought by now that this experience would become less wonderful. Heck with all the things people say about how hard it is, how little sleep you get and all that jazz I figured by now I would be lying on the floor wishing for a clone of myself. Yet instead I am still happy, and amazed every time I look into her beautiful face. I still tear up a little sometimes at her very existence and the adventures that we experienced together bringing her into being. Last but not least when someone tells me they are pregnant or they are going to see the first Ultrasound, hear the baby's heart going thump thump for the first time. I still feel the lump in my throat, the swelling of tears in my eyes and that unmistakable pressure in my chest that all goes along with a happy cry. I will never forget the intense feelings that came with ever doctors appointment. You'd think I'd be done with all that jazz by now. I'm not and I hope that I never lose that amazement.

Yesterday Jaciel made did it, she finally took a whole bottle from me. I am so happy. Yay!!! Then today she found her feet. She's developing so quickly.

Hope everyone enjoys there weekend. I know I will.

Monday, April 25, 2011

May is just around the corner!

Really? "May" can't already be arriving. What happened to February and March? I remember April but its a blur. -HAHA- My life is so full and busy. Bad days, Good days, Even better days... then some okay days in there to. The joy that is present with a little one in your life is no lie, its not something that I feel obligated to say. Its the truth. However I'd be lying if I didn't admit to some frustrating days and inconvenient duties of motherhood.

She is getting so big, she is twice as alert as she use to be. Its wonderful and going a little to fast but still wonderful. The last weigh in has her at a healthy 11lbs and 22.5in in length. Yay. The doctor claims she is advanced in her development, much like I was when I was a mini one. Apparently it runs in the genes. That just means that I am going to have my hands full sooner rather then later. Not that they aren't already full.

Her resemblance to her Papa and his family is unmistakeable she doesn't look anything like me any longer. Although I am not complaining. I think she is beautiful, then again I am her mother. It would be a crime for me to think she is anything but beautiful.

Jaciel has filled my life with dirty dipes, hours of nursing, endless laundry and its all well worth my time, I am reminded by the countless smiles. She smiles all the time, when she wakes, she smiles while she is nursing, she smiles as I rock her to sleep... she still even grins while she is asleep. Therefore all that work is paid for in smiles, which makes me smile. I love being a mother. 

April was a difficult month to be honest. On April 15th my Father had been gone a year. A year seems to pass by so quickly. He is missing so much. I can't help but feel its mostly due to his own doing. Your life choices NOW totally affect your children's lives later including but not limited to the family they create. Hello People, don't be selfish. Please.

Also this month a close friend of mine was gravely pained by someone she trusted. That hurts me to. That pain of betrayal is excruciating, unforgettable and majority of the time unforgivable. However she is a strong woman and I know she will be A-okay as time moves on.

I started a quasi-job. I'll tell you more about that later. Lets just saying its doing something I love. :)

My Grandmother has been hospitalized which is disturbing especially since I can't just hop in a car and go!

Monday, February 28, 2011

It's already March?

Time sure does fly with broken up sleep, early mornings wake ups and late morning starts. I think I get the swing of things and Jaciel gives me a new time set to work with. I know she isn't like me and a planner on the other hand she is like me and a "want it right now" kind of gal! I think I might just encourage that. With a little development and direction a demanding persona is useful.  Wait... that could indeed backfire on me in a big way. <Giggle>

Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.

I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.

The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.

Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.

On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.

I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.

Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality. 

I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.

I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!

In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!

Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.

Until next time.....

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Two things, Tuesday is Stas' and my two year anniversary and Thursday Jaciel will be a whole month old.

Lets start with Tuesday .... I know two years isn't a long time but its still an accomplishment. Stas and I have had a rough time of it starting out. Especially since initially I wasn't interested in starting anything, much less starting a relationship. I wanted what I wanted, which was freedom. I wanted to find someone that was responsible, desired to actually settle down and not only made his own decisions but made decisions to begin with. A list was created way before I met Stas. This itemized list dictated in complete clarity what I wanted and what I wasn't willing to give on. I looked at Stas, after making him squirm for my entertainment and thought to myself "Him, nah. He is too young emotionally, too inexperienced in life, too much into his recreational activities, just...too young. He is a guy and guys don't become Mature at forty much less twenty-four years old." He however made a liar out of me, I took a chance by dating him, kept myself relatively emotionally distant. No "I love you's" passed through these lips, not that they didn't pass through his. Then we got pregnant, I didn't want to stay in San Francisco and raise a baby and he wanted EVERYTHING to do with her. Then she died, he still wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. We communicated, created a tremendously strong bond. In the face of turmoil we triumphed. We didn't break or crumble we fortified. I was amazed, still am every time I think back on it all.

Here we are now, nearly two years later. We have a beautiful little girl, we have an apartment that we work hard to keep. We made it through that raging fire filled with emotions with losing our first daughter, he held me together as I went through the stations of grief for not only our child but soon after my Father, he made it through moving far away from all he's known and finding a job to keep us afloat. Last but surely not least we survived the crazy fear infused creation of Jaciel. I didn't think he could handle moving so far away from his family (Therefore I didn't ask him to come along. He told me he was, I didn't really have a say.), nor did I think we'd be able to survive the pregnancy and birth of Jaciel after such a fresh wound. I didn't realize how much he wanted a family, how wonderful of a Father he could be and how much happiness I could feel. Every step of the way Stas has proven me wrong, showed me how I misjudged him and given me reason to believe he is just an all around wonderful man, rather then the boy I assumed he was.

Jaciel is going to be a month old Thursday. I can't imagine that only a month ago I delivered her, that only a month ago I met her for the very first time. She has been great, and the most precious gift I have ever received.
She currently is experiencing a growth spurt, I think. Due to the sleepless mornings where she has the urge to eat for four hours straight. Being that the only problem I've experienced so far, I feel super lucky! She already seems like she has gotten so much longer. Her face is changing and new features are emerging everyday. I am so thrilled, yet saddened by the speed it all takes place in. Not nearly enough time to enjoy it all to the fullest.

This week is a big week! I feel like time just flew by without me even noticing.    

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Baby Sleepin';I should be cleaning!

Well...well can you believe its already one week into February of 2011? I am still trying to get use to the idea that is 2011. Then January passed by in a blur, I normally write an end of year email or something. This year I got lost in the busy everyday life of me, the shuffle of pregnancy, impending motherhood then bam labor, delivery and actual mommy-hood. End of year post was the last thing on my mind. I think in January the only thing that was on my mind was "How do I get this baby born?" "What herbal, old wise tales can I attempt?" followed by a lot of 'Nah' replies to my options due to the dangers involved. Therefore in the end truly I didn't do anything but walk and maybe did a little 'special dance' or two.

I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.

Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.

Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....
I love this Stroller!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

10 Days Old

Jaciel is ten days old and is now 7lbs 7.5oz. I can't believe how fast she is already growing so fast.

Its already too fast for me, lol. I am patiently waiting for her to be able to fit in 0-3 mo. clothing. Right now she still only fitting in Newborn clothing therefore she doesn't have many options.

This is just a short note making sure I announce the biggest change in her development. Oh yeah, aside from the weight she is also keeping her eyes open for longer amounts of time, exploring the world around her albeit fuzzy since she is still learning to focus. I think its so neat. Jaciel isn't even two whole weeks old and I can already see how newborn-hood is slipping away.

Its so fascinating!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Whatever Will Be, Will Be....

Whatever will be, will be and I will go with the flow. I will reign victor over my challenges and Queen of my destiny. I will support, love and take care of our daughter to the best of my ability doing whatever is necessary to do so. That all being said, Phillip, my ex is an ass! Last month I was unable to pay my rent due to the TAX man taking his funds which I can understand, the government isn't one that really thinks highly of forewarning anyone prior to taking what they think rightfully belongs to them. I reacted with understanding although I was stressed to the max with no obvious options.

This time he is just being an Ass! We agreed a while back that he was to provide me with the funds that the military makes him provide until March, making this month being the last month I get anything from him. Now mind you technically he is obligated to provide me with housing allowance. Yet this is prior to me telling him about Jaciel's pending debut into the world. He wasn't aware I was pregnant. That fact alone gives him the right to pull the money. However he still agreed to the deal which gave me time to get awarded assistance for her existence. Now suddenly after not giving me anything last month for a valid reason he tells me he doesn't have anything to give me because he has been moved off post. I would be happy with a little bit of money. Enough to cover rent. Anything. Instead I get brushed off, I am pissed. I am stressed. I am scared. This home, this roof over our heads now not only houses us being Stas and I. It also houses an innocent small and needy newborn baby. We can't be homeless. Its not an option.

To be non-stressed and non-panicked seems to be an impossibility but it has to be possible for the sake of Jaciel. Just like Stas and I have to figure out something for the sake of Jaciel. If I gaze upon her I can't help but smile. I can't help but feel a grin spread across my face. She is just too perfect to frown at.

With all that being said, whatever will be, will be and I will triumph for my daughter. My strength and motivation lays a few feet from my person, smells sweet as babies do, and depends on me to provide. Provide I will!!!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lovin' This

The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.

I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.

Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.

Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.

Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.

I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.

A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another

I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.

I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?

My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.

Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me! 

Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.

Now she is here.

I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)

The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.

My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!   

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Business of Being Born - Documentary

Everyone should watch this documentary. It was fantastic, informative and in some ways I guess could strike some as shocking. I am emotional so the fact that some of it made me cry isn't exactly news but it did. Having a baby is emotional, being pregnant is an emotional experience it all is. Not only for the Mama but for the Papa to, no one ever talks about that part but there is a great deal that no one ever talks about whether it be good, bad or indifferent. - Just watch it! :)

Last night I had a baby melt down! An "OMG She will be here and I am going to do it all wrong." kind of melt down. Stas looked at me with a grin trying to soothe me but at the same time being entertained by my emotional flip out. Its not something I do very often and he thinks its so cute, while I think its so pathetic. I said that she should stay where she is at, in my belly where its safe because what if I can't protect her from anything and everything. Then I stopped in my tracks, saying very forcefully "I am NOT staying pregnant forever." followed by laughing. Right now I feel like I am going to be pregnant until the end of time but she eventually is going to have to make her debut. Apparently she has decided that full term, is the way to go, all the way or nothing at all. Which is good of course. Besides after a while you kind of get use to being miserable.

I am nesting a bit, and then I feel bad because I get too exhausted to complete anything. Really whew I want to get this stuff done. I have to but with the extra weight on my body and the other wonderful hormones that loosen joints making everything all stretchy is making my injuries and so one flare up more then ever before. I again snapped my hip out of place, again I was wanting to scream bloody murder and again walking was a pain literally. My back also hasn't been too keen on working properly with the extra baby weight pulling on it. Ugh! - Yet in the end its all worth it.

Every ache and pain, every nasty tired day and every "blah" emotional moment is worth the end result of seeing my little girl, touching my little girl and bringing her home. I am waiting so impatiently.

I guess that is all for today. Its horribly foggy outside so I am worried about Stas tonight. He works until 1AM. Those who read this keep his safe trip home tonight in your thoughts please.

Good Night!  

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Going to See the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz

(The title has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post but couldn't think of a title.)

Went to the doctors and she is now at Station +2, I am dilated the same and its just a waiting game. As it has been so from the beginning but I now technically have a baby that is one week from or is considered full term (36-37wks) depending on the dates you go by. Which is wonderful. Let me make this clear, with all my complaints I am thrilled that she is where she is at in her gestational age. She is wonderfully healthy and its amazing how long I have been able to safely keep her in my womb growing as she has supposed to all along. Keep in mind this as I say:



Yet I am truly blessed to have the healthy child I do and to have made it to this point in my pregnancy adventure. The alternative is so much scarier. The NICU and the health problems or even, god forbid, another death of one of my children those were my alternatives. Although all those listed above could happen due to unforeseen circumstances now they are so much less likely.

Thank you, irritable uterus that is only irritable and not out to devastate me.
Thank you, our healthy tough-cookie of a baby girl.
Thank you, supportive family and friends.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.
Thank you, wonderful partner of mine.

Thank you, lord above for all the above and more.
Now the next step is birth, lets get through that and this adventure will come to an end only for the next one to begin.

Lets get movin'!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. However I started this leaky faucet thing and then I really haven't been to urinate all day or yesterday either to be honest without pain or sometimes at all due to the baby pressure (I think). I don't want to go into L&D. I see him tomorrow damn it.
However from what I understand if I am leaking fluid then I could get an infection so I think I have to go in, its the RIGHT thing to do.
Waiting on Doctors call back. I feel so stupid!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Another Day...

Well I think I may have dilated a bit more due to the increase in pressure, her dropping and the contractions but I am just not ready to be put back in the hospital for any length of time at this moment. Therefore I haven't gone in to get re-checked just yet. I am waiting it out.
Today I was getting out of bed and had to flip from my left to my right side but did it in such a way that I felt my hip pop out of place. Oh the pain! Its back in but now I am so severely sore that I want to cry, not to mention my back isn't feeling the greatest. Between contractions, hip pain and back discomfort I swear today just sucks. I am tired but not sleepy, my body hurts and I am irritable. People beware. LOL
Tomorrow will be better I hope. My hip will calm down and hopefully the rest of my aches and pains won't seem so overwhelming. I know its just lack of good sleep and being in the current situation I am in with this pregnancy. (Refer to link above for last official update on my current stats)
Tonight Stas works until 1AM and I am not exactly ecstatic but work is work. We are low on gas but we'll survive. He took a co-worker, his boss to be specific, home the other day. Home was in Hanford. We didn't have the money to do this but hey whats done is done. I was more worried about him getting lost. He nearly did. He ended up in Tulare off of 99. Let me point out it was far after midnight. Crazy Man, love him... but he still is a nut sometimes.
I went to Cassie's house yesterday and enjoyed some laughs which was wonderful and a much needed event. :) She took this wonderful photo of Stas and I. I am So Pregnant. LOL

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


FACTS- All current facts are these: 5-5.5 cm Dilated, 80-85% Effaced, contractions 1-1.5min apart lasting anywhere between 1-2mins long, Station 0 and a bulging water bag (occasionally). He almost broke my water but expected it to happen by that evening, it didn't... that was Monday January Tenth (Through the Twelfth). 

Now its Wednesday and I am still pregnant, still contracting regularly, still miserable, no relief, no reprieve just at home. We are waiting for my water to break. I can't do this past 36 weeks. I won't. I am done, frustrated and exhausted. Talking to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what happens then.  

Friday, January 7, 2011


Whew....my tummy keeps squeezing! She isn't moving much but I still feel her hiccuping. I wonder how much longer I have left. A little nervous, always wishing for some absolute that I am going to do this right, and be strong enough. I think I know I will be but fear is fear. I feel a great deal of it may be just coming from the hormones that my body is generating stiring up all these emotions. Not to mention the stressful month we have been experiencing in general.

One Day At A Time! 

Labor and Delivery last night/this morning contractions 1min to 1.5min gave me med s sent me home. I am progressing. Maybe a week from now at the most... we will see!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"
Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.