Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
   

By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Problems Start!

Bigger problems then his unreasonable parents or the sister who never stops talking long enough to actually listen arise. The complications begin. First its simple, my sugar keeps dropping so I eat more often as instructed. A few times I find light blood in my panties and I discover I am a little anemic. I still go to work, I still push myself to do everything I need to do. We are both worried. Yet he doesn't say anything about being scared. He doesn't want to make me more worried then I already am. I am going crazy inside. Fear is all I feel, the amazement of being pregnant begins to just be overridden by intense fears. I end up quitting my job before I got fired. I couldn't preform my duties.

His parents still are going on about how we are doing this wrong, how we need to move and this and that. I am so stressed out that I can't even think straight. I cry and can't stop thinking about how I need to just get away from all these people.

Things Are Coming Along!

Well, well I finally got a job and rent is getting paid. Barely! Inna isn't and that is totally going up in smoke. Phillip, my ex, claims that the military won't change over my allotment. Which I come to find out via my own research that he is telling the truth. I AM devastated! We tried to explain it to Inna but that doesn't really work. It continues to degrade. Stas wants to make peace but can't. I am again the evil person no matter what is said and done.

Stas is stuck between his family, himself and I. Talk about a mess. He confides in me how he feels about things but no one really listens to him in his own family so he doesn't talk, just listens and does what he views best. He attempts to keep the peace while working on spreading his wings. While I am wondering if I should just run. This is an ongoing issue. He tries to please everyone but no one is pleased, not even content.

First Apartment Together

We moved into our first real apartment in June. Our apartment was in the sunset district of San Francisco, California. The place was perfect in our eyes. Small, just barely affordable, and ours. No more housemates, no more broken heaters, no more busted electrical just us and well nothing else. All of my things were in another town (Visalia) and Stas didn't own anything, not for keeping a house. Talk about a new adventure for him and a new one for me with him.

His parents, bless their hearts flipped. We borrowed money stupidly from his sister but wasn't aware the many reasons or ways that could back fire on us. I was counting on something I thought was set in stone and Stas figured it would all work out if things went awry. We were sadly mistaken. Lessons learned!

Little did we know that the next phase of our adventure had already started but it wasn't time for us to be aware of it just yet.