It's already March?

Time sure does fly with broken up sleep, early mornings wake ups and late morning starts. I think I get the swing of things and Jaciel gives me a new time set to work with. I know she isn't like me and a planner on the other hand she is like me and a "want it right now" kind of gal! I think I might just encourage that. With a little development and direction a demanding persona is useful.  Wait... that could indeed backfire on me in a big way. <Giggle>

Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.

I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.

The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.

SMILING FOR THE CAMERA

Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.

On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.

I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.

Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality. 

I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.

JACIEL IN HER NEW BLUE DIAPER COVER

I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!

In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!

Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.

Until next time.....

DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD SLUMBER LIKE THIS?

Wow!

Two things, Tuesday is Stas' and my two year anniversary and Thursday Jaciel will be a whole month old.
WOW!

Lets start with Tuesday .... I know two years isn't a long time but its still an accomplishment. Stas and I have had a rough time of it starting out. Especially since initially I wasn't interested in starting anything, much less starting a relationship. I wanted what I wanted, which was freedom. I wanted to find someone that was responsible, desired to actually settle down and not only made his own decisions but made decisions to begin with. A list was created way before I met Stas. This itemized list dictated in complete clarity what I wanted and what I wasn't willing to give on. I looked at Stas, after making him squirm for my entertainment and thought to myself "Him, nah. He is too young emotionally, too inexperienced in life, too much into his recreational activities, just...too young. He is a guy and guys don't become Mature at forty much less twenty-four years old." He however made a liar out of me, I took a chance by dating him, kept myself relatively emotionally distant. No "I love you's" passed through these lips, not that they didn't pass through his. Then we got pregnant, I didn't want to stay in San Francisco and raise a baby and he wanted EVERYTHING to do with her. Then she died, he still wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. We communicated, created a tremendously strong bond. In the face of turmoil we triumphed. We didn't break or crumble we fortified. I was amazed, still am every time I think back on it all.

Here we are now, nearly two years later. We have a beautiful little girl, we have an apartment that we work hard to keep. We made it through that raging fire filled with emotions with losing our first daughter, he held me together as I went through the stations of grief for not only our child but soon after my Father, he made it through moving far away from all he's known and finding a job to keep us afloat. Last but surely not least we survived the crazy fear infused creation of Jaciel. I didn't think he could handle moving so far away from his family (Therefore I didn't ask him to come along. He told me he was, I didn't really have a say.), nor did I think we'd be able to survive the pregnancy and birth of Jaciel after such a fresh wound. I didn't realize how much he wanted a family, how wonderful of a Father he could be and how much happiness I could feel. Every step of the way Stas has proven me wrong, showed me how I misjudged him and given me reason to believe he is just an all around wonderful man, rather then the boy I assumed he was.

Jaciel is going to be a month old Thursday. I can't imagine that only a month ago I delivered her, that only a month ago I met her for the very first time. She has been great, and the most precious gift I have ever received.
She currently is experiencing a growth spurt, I think. Due to the sleepless mornings where she has the urge to eat for four hours straight. Being that the only problem I've experienced so far, I feel super lucky! She already seems like she has gotten so much longer. Her face is changing and new features are emerging everyday. I am so thrilled, yet saddened by the speed it all takes place in. Not nearly enough time to enjoy it all to the fullest.

This week is a big week! I feel like time just flew by without me even noticing.    

Baby Sleepin';I should be cleaning!

Well...well can you believe its already one week into February of 2011? I am still trying to get use to the idea that is 2011. Then January passed by in a blur, I normally write an end of year email or something. This year I got lost in the busy everyday life of me, the shuffle of pregnancy, impending motherhood then bam labor, delivery and actual mommy-hood. End of year post was the last thing on my mind. I think in January the only thing that was on my mind was "How do I get this baby born?" "What herbal, old wise tales can I attempt?" followed by a lot of 'Nah' replies to my options due to the dangers involved. Therefore in the end truly I didn't do anything but walk and maybe did a little 'special dance' or two.

I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.

Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.

Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....

I love this Stroller!

The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another

I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.

I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?

My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.

Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me! 

Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.

Now she is here.

I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)

The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.

My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!   

Going to See the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz

(The title has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post but couldn't think of a title.)

Went to the doctors and she is now at Station +2, I am dilated the same and its just a waiting game. As it has been so from the beginning but I now technically have a baby that is one week from or is considered full term (36-37wks) depending on the dates you go by. Which is wonderful. Let me make this clear, with all my complaints I am thrilled that she is where she is at in her gestational age. She is wonderfully healthy and its amazing how long I have been able to safely keep her in my womb growing as she has supposed to all along. Keep in mind this as I say:

"I AM SO READY FOR HER TO BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I am MISERABLE"

Yet I am truly blessed to have the healthy child I do and to have made it to this point in my pregnancy adventure. The alternative is so much scarier. The NICU and the health problems or even, god forbid, another death of one of my children those were my alternatives. Although all those listed above could happen due to unforeseen circumstances now they are so much less likely.

Thank you, irritable uterus that is only irritable and not out to devastate me.

Thank you, our healthy tough-cookie of a baby girl.

Thank you, supportive family and friends.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.

Thank you, wonderful partner of mine.

Thank you, lord above for all the above and more.

Now the next step is birth, lets get through that and this adventure will come to an end only for the next one to begin.

Lets get movin'!

Another Day...

Well I think I may have dilated a bit more due to the increase in pressure, her dropping and the contractions but I am just not ready to be put back in the hospital for any length of time at this moment. Therefore I haven't gone in to get re-checked just yet. I am waiting it out.
Today I was getting out of bed and had to flip from my left to my right side but did it in such a way that I felt my hip pop out of place. Oh the pain! Its back in but now I am so severely sore that I want to cry, not to mention my back isn't feeling the greatest. Between contractions, hip pain and back discomfort I swear today just sucks. I am tired but not sleepy, my body hurts and I am irritable. People beware. LOL
Tomorrow will be better I hope. My hip will calm down and hopefully the rest of my aches and pains won't seem so overwhelming. I know its just lack of good sleep and being in the current situation I am in with this pregnancy. (Refer to link above for last official update on my current stats)
Tonight Stas works until 1AM and I am not exactly ecstatic but work is work. We are low on gas but we'll survive. He took a co-worker, his boss to be specific, home the other day. Home was in Hanford. We didn't have the money to do this but hey whats done is done. I was more worried about him getting lost. He nearly did. He ended up in Tulare off of 99. Let me point out it was far after midnight. Crazy Man, love him... but he still is a nut sometimes.

I went to Cassie's house yesterday and enjoyed some laughs which was wonderful and a much needed event. :) She took this wonderful photo of Stas and I. I am So Pregnant. LOL

I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"

Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.

It has been a while since I have posted on here. I have had some crazy days and then some that have just been blissful. I am trying to keep my emotions under control. Lately my small amount of so called patience has gotten even less. My landlord the current one in this big mess of a change over has shown his true colors and I am disappointed in myself for thinking that being nice and not a stickler was okay. WRONG! This is one of the many traits I have actually earned by being my mothers child. As much as I attempt to protect myself from idiots that are out to just be selfish, dishonest and that have a crappy sense of ethic. I am ready to actively look for a new place to live, although this would be crappy timing, find me a lawyer and start paperwork suing him for lack of repairs and being a crappy landlord. Ugh! I don't know what exactly to do but I do know that I don't have the energies or gumption to really deal with this mess right now.

I had a L&D experience from hell as well since the last time I've written in here. I went in for contractions, they gave me nasty Trabuterline (the stuff that feels like a self induced anxiety attack) which didn't work after a while they released me with instructions to return if they don't go away or increase in intensity. They did and I did as I was instructed. The contractions actually woke me up from much needed slumber. This would be when things really went awry. They ended up giving me Promethizine, an anti nausea medication, which I have taken before. Well it gave me such leg spasms that I couldn't stop moving and it wouldn't let me sleep. They gave me Benedryal which increased my issue rather then solved it. I was so out of it that when they came in saying "Here is your Dilauded." I looked up and said Huh? "Why are you giving me Dilauded?" "You asked for it." They said this part as they were injecting it. I felt total instant relaxation in my legs, they were hurting so bad from constant uncontrollable movement. The problem was I don't recall ever requesting pain medication. None! I don't remember them talking to me I do know that after the medication I was finally able to sleep but I swear to you I didn't ask for it.

After all was said and done, I went home at Nine in the morning after a total of twelve hours in L&D (including my initial visit)  and slept off the fog. Only to cry for an entire day blaming Stas for going home and sleeping, although I told him to do so, and allowing me to over drug my baby via drugging myself. I had been so angry because I COULDN'T remember why, what or how I ended up taking a narcotic. I don't remember being in pain, not real pain. Maybe after a while the discomfort of constant little contractions and a few larger ones I hurt but I don't remember. I was so angry at myself and worried for Jaciel. She wasn't moving a whole lot. THEN......

She started up again! All was normal and now all is still normal. Now however I swear unless my water breaks or leaks or something visual happens I am going to deal with these contractions and SUCK IT UP! I am not have a replay of that night EVER again, PERIOD!!!

Oh yes, holidays. Those of you who know me well know that Holidays and I aren't really that close. However being that Turkey only comes out once a year for our weekly dinner with my mother at my house we made one. Along with my sought after Garlic Green Beans, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Root Salad (Kohlrabi, Beets, Carrots with Raspberry Vinaigrette) and last but not least a Apple Crumble Pie. I didn't hear not one complaint except for the ones coming out of Stas' mouth about how FAT he feels he is getting as he stuffs himself with the remainder of the pie. Must say it was a yummy meal. :)

The baby shower is coming up quicker and quicker, we are thrilled. I can't wait to see family and see the excitement on Nana's face as she feels her Great Granddaughter kick her through my belly. Her tactile senses are a little bit more advanced due to the lack of her other senses and I know she is going to love it. Not to mention of course I am curious what little cool items Jaciel is going to get. :)

Well.. Well, I think that covers it. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday and are enjoying the remainder of your November. With all your shopping and holiday craziness, be safe.

 

Oh how fun it is....

Last few days I have been so horribly uncomfortable. Not just due to baby but... well related to baby but not because of her directly. I am slowly beginning to feel better then tonight about twenty or thirty minutes ago however she was sitting restricted my breathing. Talk about uncomfortable and no matter how expected it is having your breathing restricted is very disconcerting. Thankfully due to my experience with my breathing problems as a child I have a lot of experience in calming myself. Doesn't by any means mean I enjoyed the twenty-five minutes of feeling like some unseen being was attempting to smoother me. I forced myself to take a nap knowing that you breath shallow and relax when you sleep. Which allows whatever is taking place take its course. The nap was much needed anyway.

I have become increasingly irritable with Santi, Stas and probably any other person that crosses my path lately. Especially on days that aren't too pleasant for me. Instead of just really rough nights its all the time. By the time I make my peace with this stage of our adventure it will be over. Its a pleasant thought but one dripping with a bit of sweet sorrow. Pregnancy is less then splendid experience sometimes but its still an experience I wouldn't take back.

I went to my last appointment and got glowing reviews. Did the nasty glucose test, heard her wildly beating heart and her kicking in retaliation to the invasion. Was told that I am not allowed travel, and he told me so in such a round about way. Which made me giggle. We have our fingers crossed that Miss. Jaciel Polina Kalyuzhnaya waits and bakes at least until thirty-seven weeks. I haven't received the results to the sugar test but he doesn't seem to be concerned, we are also checking me Cholestasis to be on the safe side because I have been itching a lot. However I think it has more to do with the cold dry weather coming about signaling winter. Over all I think my appointment went well and I am coming along nicely. It is official however that I feel her every move, she twitches and I know. it. This fact comes with mixed feelings. HAHA

Stas' work has cut his hours next week for reason unknown to us, causes a little bit of stress. Okay, I lie it causes a lot of stress. However we'll survive. It always works out. We still haven't gotten our repairs done in the house which is getting increasingly irritating. I just keep telling myself things will work out soon.

On a really happy exciting note, my baby shower is coming up. Yay! Its coming quickly. I am so excited!!!!

In conclusion, I can't believe this adventure is coming to an end. Soon I will be holding the same being that is being housed within my body and kicking the living out of my insides. I am excited, and so many other things to.
 

Happy!

I read this Article on TheFrisky.com the other day and I could help but laugh the entire time. Its called Girl Talk: Why the Third Trimester is the Best Trimester I am in complete total agreement with it. The first trimester is full of miscarriage worries, the ultimate forever long PMS and no one knows why because its just too early. The Second is all those little pains and aches but no one gives any sympathy because your just barely pregnant. You may feel your bean begin to move just to flip out when it stops being so irregular. Then the third happens. Yes its uncomfortable. Yes its tiring but you know what ... all that movement is a sure sign of healthy baby and no worries! I LOVE WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW. I finally feel less fat and just pregnant. I feel Jaciel move all the time. I much rather her stick her limbs in my ribs rather then down into my cervix but hey pain and all I know she is okay. Just think I am almost on my last three month stretch. I am loving it!

Crystal and Angie are coming over for Coffee this morning and I am going to toss together another batch of my bread. It was good and who can turn down warm bread and coffee, right?

Have a few things to do today. Bank, post office ... that kind of thing. I am in a fantastic mood and going to enjoy every second of it. I must be glowing with good mood vibes because when Stas walked in from taking Santi out for his walk all he wanted to do was come and give me a kiss. :)

I feel so loved, so happy and so ready to meet my little girl!

Confessions of a Different Kind

Before swimming into the depths of this post and what is plaguing me at the moment I am going to splash around in the pleasant shallows first. Early this morning I was griping about something and Stas stared at me with this grin. You know you all hate it when your fuming about anything and the person your spewing that symbolic fire to is looking back at you with a silly grin. The kind of grin you just want to slap right off their face. I realized a long time ago that would be why my mother always told me instead of yelling back at someone being rude I should reply in a calm manner of "Thank you" or "You have a nice day to." punctuated with a broad smile. It pisses them off, it sure pisses me off. Mind you whatever I was griping about really has no baring because it wasn't anything worth griping about I am sure. I can't even fully remember it and that is a sure sign that it wasn't that important. Just couples gripes, you know the kind. Anyhow what I do remember is making that frustrated gerr sound and balling up my fists at my side. The semi-adult fit throwing stance of frustration. Then asking him in a very stern, not so stern really I just like to say it was. It sounds better then miniature fit throwing roar that you hear out of a midget like me, who probably isn't as pissed as she'd like to portray. So yeah I am asking him in a scary stern sounding voice saying "Why are you grinning at me? What is so entertaining? Are you listening at all?" and his reply instantly deflated my puffed up stance. "You've gotten so much bigger."
Ugh? That is like saying I am waddling and I told him if he ever tells me I am waddling like a duck that I'd make him pay. I've gotten so much bigger! Humph. BIGGER! Yes, I know everyone makes comments about how tiny I am. How lucky I am to still be so little and thin, minus the baby belly. Then even my baby belly is cute and small. Thank you all for the kind compliments and I know I am not as large as some can get. I am lucky to have my baby weight protrude rather then spread, at least I am lucky this time. However I am still sensitive about my size, remember (those of you who knew me then) I was once 210lbs, huge. SIZE is a major thing for me. Therefore the comment of "You've gotten so much bigger" from Stas this morning didn't make me smile at first, it didn't help that I was angry about something stupid initially. I continued my mature semi-adult fit throwing and stomped off. Only to find myself smiling and returning to him lounging on the couch looking down and saying "I can't see my legs anymore." Lets just say I swear I grow over night. Yesterday I was able to see the tips of my shoes. I can't now.

Over all baby update is on the up and up. She is making me sorely uncomfortable and turning my midsection into a bowling ball-like display. I love my bowling ball, honestly but she is heavy! She may only be a few pounds right now but my small body feels like she is more like ten pounds. Ugh! Makes me really wonder when she makes her debut how big she is going to be. The thought of her debut makes me smile every time, never fails. I can't wait to meet this little person I have house inside me, who is entertained by the innards she can practice her kung fu gymnastics moves on. 

There is me splish-splashing in the shallows. I actually think the whole things this morning is funny.

Now for the depths ....
Those of you who saw my post about me losing my income are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about. Some of you, but not all are aware that I am actually legally married to a man named Phillip. He is in the United States Army. Our separation is of the complicated sort. Its more complicated then infidelity but just as humiliating and painful not like infidelity isn't humiliating and painful enough. To make things just that much more complicated being that the Military is a factor the particulars of getting a divorce are a bit more screwy. Anyhow bottom line is I am still married. Stas knows, and has known from day one. I kept no secrets. My livelihood has actually been coming from Phillip due to the Military since our parting. This was set to change very soon. However he now wants to pull it from me prior to the finalization of the divorce. This taking place is still in limbo. It depends if the Military lets him and if he with his NCO's assistance find any nifty loop holes. Trust me its the government and loop holes abound, worst its the ARMY. Those of you that have had any experience with the ARMY need no explanation, those of you who haven't don't want to know.

Well this has forced me into early confession mode. Phillip is aware of Stas, yet names have never been revealed. I am also well aware of some Italian chick he is seeing who has a small child. There isn't any issues with that. However what he wasn't aware of was baby, this one or the previous. I intended to tell him but was waiting for him to be out of the hectic, dangerous war zone that he was in being deployed.

See I have this thing, I kind of love those that I profess to love unconditionally. Which means as complicated and painful our unique separation was my hurt and anger lack in strength when it compares to my desire for his welbeing. Those of you who know the specifics think I am a little on the deluded side of the spectrum. However its just me, and honestly none of you would want me any other way. Otherwise I might not be the person you care for so much or the person who cares so much for you. Who knows who'd I'd be if I were different.

In the name of his sanity and safe surroundings I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy to him. I know he'd have mixed feeling about it. He and I had our experiences with attempts in child baring, we had our losses and our medical tortures. To find out in the end apparently his inability to produce a child, this of course wasn't discovered until some time after and not revealed to me until after our separation. Talk about some mixed emotions from little ol' me. It was a complicated process. I use that word an awfully lot. Things need to stop being so dang complicated so I don't have to. Back on track I didn't want to reveal my being with child until he was safe in Italy. With the money prospect I was forced into exposing my little secret and now I worry about what is to come.

I guess he still frightens me a little. I still care about his health and sanity as I mentioned above and I am so unsure about how his reaction is going to be. How its going to affect him and how its going to impact me. I don't like not knowing what is coming at me. I can't even gage my next move or my opponents at this moment.

Never been all that skilled at the game of chess, but I am skilled at the games people play. Especially at the games he plays. Therefore lets just say I am a little more then nervous about sitting here in the dark without a clue.

Guess we will see what comes next.

 

Hello Monday!

Today was is the first of the month, so grocery shopping happened. Which wasn't too bad. Got what we needed. I now have fruit, which I am always wanting. We left early so we could Get in and Get Out of the Stores before the first of the Month crowds came in to do their shopping. Gotta love the electronic carts, it allows me the freedom to do my own shopping. I love Stas, and his cooking has improved immensely but his shopping ability isn't really his high point. Therefore I greatly appreciate the Electronic Carts.

I want to make a meal but that doesn't look like its going to happen I still can't seem to view my counter-tops due to an overwhelming clutter of STUFF! Moving creates clutter where there once was none and clutter for me creates aggravation where there was none, that is a lie, there is probably always a little aggravation there. LOL Soon, very soon it will all be straightened out and I won't have this overwhelming urge to just toss everything that I own just to have space. Its really not a great deal of things. It is only just all shoved into whatever space was available for quick movement purposes. I just need to calm myself and breath through it.

What's your pet peeve? Mine has got to be clutter! (Sure there are others. I admit that I am a very particular person.)

I think I am going to enjoy another orange, listen to my smooth R&B, Jazz station and play me some scrabble against some person from a far away land. Have a great week and I hope your Monday went GREAT and is setting the precedence for a wonderful week. If not then I am sure Tuesday will, positive thinking my friends!

November 2nd - OBGYN appointment 

(Jaciel is moving and happy so far so I am not concerned.)

What a weekend!

Confession, I have been doing a lot more then I probably should be the last few days. Things have to get done, thankfully I sit and lay down when I need to and napped a few times. Moving a house, even a house with few things in two days is no easy feat. Thankfully Martin and Angie helped us with the larger items. Yet today, the day we are suppose to be all finished, its 9:23 and Stas still hasn't wiped down the apartment. I want to go over there and do some intensive work but I can't. I am hardly allowed to do anything really. Stas is so exhausted. Working until morning after working all day here trying to move things on Saturday and then this morning getting up after working until 1am. Its just so much. Poor Stas!

Thankfully we are almost finished then it will be the slow set up of this place. Which doesn't have a time frame to be done in besides when its done! Whew I can't wait until this night is over!!!!!

SMILING

She doesn't seem to be moving as much today and yesterday. However not as much doesn't mean none at all, I still feel her wiggle. I love feeling her wiggle even if complaints about how she jabs and abuses my insides seem to trickle out of me.

I am doing really well with this conscience decision to be happy and less uptight. Of course I am not going to be able to squash all concerns about an early birth being immanent or what might happen. However at the same time I refuse to willingly discard all of the joys and the blessed feeling I have at her existence. That would be foolish and I intend to be anything but willingly foolish when it comes to the creation of our babygirl. She is far too important to us.

Stas, bless his heart has got to be the best man I have ever found. I have never in my life met a man who is so supportive during difficult times. I complain, I bitch, I cry, I throw tantrums (adult ones) at the injustice of life and scream in pillows in reaction to my panicked worrisome personality. Stas, he rubs my back, cooks (he is doing tons better) me meals, works hard in and out of the home and coos me back to tranquility with kind words and sweet innocent caresses. All those things I claim not to need because I am so STUBBORN and RESILIENT, not lies I swear. I just feel really blessed. I just hope I tell him enough times. He needs to know how appreciated he is.

SMILING!

Good Morning; Hard day

Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.

Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.

Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.

What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.

Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.

I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.

Hormones or Me

I really hate the way it feels when I want to run someone off the road, drag them out of the car they are in and pummel them. Its not a warm fuzzy feeling, its infuriating. Now question is, am I experiencing this because of hormones putting me into protection mode or is it because I have a natural violent streak. Which is it?

This young blonde.... oh keeping the rest of that comment to myself and going on... was on the phone in her BMW SUV and cut us off twice. The woman, if she can even privileged to be referred to as one, was so close to shoving us off the roadway that I clenched my entire body. Lets just say that isn't a good feeling when your trying to stay calm, unstressed both physically and emotionally for baby's sake. The first time scared me and I honked the horn while Stas navigated us to safety, the second time caused me to want to spit fire. If it was possible you would have seen it spewing fifty feet from my open mouth charring her car. I LAID on the horn and started to screen obscenities. She scared me so bad that I felt like MOWING her down. Thank the lord and for the sake of everyone else I wasn't driving.

Now I have always had a hint of ROAD RAGE but the feeling I was experiencing was complete total NEED for annihilation. I wanted to not only run her off the road but make sure she felt it.

That frightens me. I know I have a part of me that can be less then pleasant but I didn't think it was that easily provoked. What gives?

Day Two Bed-rest

Essentially its the end of day two, BED-REST. I become more at peace with it now. Its not too bad. Although if I only had a personal chef, things would be much better. I feel bad for Stas because he has ten times more responsibilities on him now that I can't do much. Makes me love him even more even know I don't say it half as much as I should.

She has been active as always which is refreshing and annoying all at the same time. Although right at the moment, as much as a good nights sleep sounds. I am trying to make her move because she is too still. Just can't make me happy can she.. lol

Everyday is one day closer to meeting her. Its amazing how time seems to move so fast when you don't want it to but so slowly when you'd give anything to get to the goal at the end of the road. I want her to come into this world healthy, timely and ... now! If now was when she was suppose to. I am just excited to meet her. I've been waiting so long and each experience I've had just doesn't seem to go smoothly. I am determined to get her here.

Its another late night for Stas at work which means another late night for me. I can't seem to sleep without him home.

I guess its time for another move. I just completed Frida Karlo, which I have to say wasn't a bad move at all!

Good Night.

May...

We moved to Visalia into my mothers house. Two weeks prior I felt a twinge of something odd. I thought I was pregnant but figure it couldn't be because I had been sick for so long that sex wasn't exactly on the top of the list.

The move was stressful, with me being sick and losing weight so fast that I began to look a little malnourished and again of course Stas' family. I couldn't wait to get away.

I try to be understanding about the cultural differences and the fact that Stas is the only boy and the youngest but in the end I just can't. I don't and will never understand how it makes logical sense to treat a grown man of his age as a child.

Low and behold we are PREGNANT again!

Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
   

By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Tragedy Hits

We conceived May/June time frame. Our baby girl was born in October the 17th of 2010. Obviously far too early to survive at such an undeveloped stage. I was seventeen weeks along.

Reason unknown to us at the time my water broke, no warning, no bleeding just mild contractions and my water ruptured. I went into labor. Stas and I caught a cab, to this day I don't know why we didn't call an ambulance. We went to Cal Pac Labor and Delivery on Cherry Street and found out what I had already known. Our little girl was dead.

I waited to breakdown after the nurses left but it didn't take me long. Stas held me tightly as I sobbed. They gave me two options. I could allow labor to proceed and give birth to her vaginally or they could surgically remove her from my womb. I wanted surgery, I didn't want to remember anymore of this then I had to. Stas wouldn't have it. Surgery is dangerous and it was unnecessary because I was already in labor.

Phone calls were made to my family members, we were moved into a room upstairs and I had been given something to calm myself and possibly sleep before it was time to deliver. Needless to say I didn't sleep and wouldn't stay still, most of it is a blur. I remember saying goodbye and holding her. By that time my Aunt was present and the baby was passed between her, Stas and I so we could say goodbye to our little girl.

She may have had the face only a parent could love but she was ours. Her features were already beginning to set and she looked like her daddy, already long. Stas is a tall 6foot 3inches, while I am a petite 4foot 11inches. We said goodbye, cremated her and she is safe at home where she belongs.

We Miss Our Little Girl!