Lovin' This

The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.

I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.

Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.

Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.

Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.

I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.

A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.

May...

We moved to Visalia into my mothers house. Two weeks prior I felt a twinge of something odd. I thought I was pregnant but figure it couldn't be because I had been sick for so long that sex wasn't exactly on the top of the list.

The move was stressful, with me being sick and losing weight so fast that I began to look a little malnourished and again of course Stas' family. I couldn't wait to get away.

I try to be understanding about the cultural differences and the fact that Stas is the only boy and the youngest but in the end I just can't. I don't and will never understand how it makes logical sense to treat a grown man of his age as a child.

Low and behold we are PREGNANT again!

DEATH

April 15th 2010, The cancer takes my father.

Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
   

By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Problems Start!

Bigger problems then his unreasonable parents or the sister who never stops talking long enough to actually listen arise. The complications begin. First its simple, my sugar keeps dropping so I eat more often as instructed. A few times I find light blood in my panties and I discover I am a little anemic. I still go to work, I still push myself to do everything I need to do. We are both worried. Yet he doesn't say anything about being scared. He doesn't want to make me more worried then I already am. I am going crazy inside. Fear is all I feel, the amazement of being pregnant begins to just be overridden by intense fears. I end up quitting my job before I got fired. I couldn't preform my duties.

His parents still are going on about how we are doing this wrong, how we need to move and this and that. I am so stressed out that I can't even think straight. I cry and can't stop thinking about how I need to just get away from all these people.

Pregnant?

We're PREGNANT!

We are happy, scared, shocked and everything in between. Can't believe it happened. I wasn't suppose to be able to conceive children least of all carry them with out miscarrying. Oh GOD! I don't want to go through that again, is all I can remember thinking.

Believe it or not we had discussed pregnancy prior to this new factor in our life. When we got together I was straight forward and blunt about what I wanted and what I didn't want. One was the fact that I probably couldn't have children and if I were to become pregnant and he wasn't interested due to his age, inexperience or whatever then I would be okay with that. Stas being the person he is told me that he'd be thrilled to become a father. Talk about a nut job. Little did I realize that I would actually become pregnant.

Telling his parents didn't come out well. Telling mine went fine but they view me as an adult sadly no one in Stas' family views him as an adult.

It was made very clear when we started seriously dating that I wasn't good enough. I am not Russian, not anything they desired for Stas now I that I am pregnant we are told that we need to move and we can't raise our child in a cave.

We didn't live in a cave.
I worked, went to the doctors, went to Stas' work, cooked, cleaned and so on.

As we both are trying to let "We're Pregnant" sink in.

First Apartment Together

We moved into our first real apartment in June. Our apartment was in the sunset district of San Francisco, California. The place was perfect in our eyes. Small, just barely affordable, and ours. No more housemates, no more broken heaters, no more busted electrical just us and well nothing else. All of my things were in another town (Visalia) and Stas didn't own anything, not for keeping a house. Talk about a new adventure for him and a new one for me with him.

His parents, bless their hearts flipped. We borrowed money stupidly from his sister but wasn't aware the many reasons or ways that could back fire on us. I was counting on something I thought was set in stone and Stas figured it would all work out if things went awry. We were sadly mistaken. Lessons learned!

Little did we know that the next phase of our adventure had already started but it wasn't time for us to be aware of it just yet.