Really? "May" can't already be arriving. What happened to February and March? I remember April but its a blur. -HAHA- My life is so full and busy. Bad days, Good days, Even better days... then some okay days in there to. The joy that is present with a little one in your life is no lie, its not something that I feel obligated to say. Its the truth. However I'd be lying if I didn't admit to some frustrating days and inconvenient duties of motherhood.
She is getting so big, she is twice as alert as she use to be. Its wonderful and going a little to fast but still wonderful. The last weigh in has her at a healthy 11lbs and 22.5in in length. Yay. The doctor claims she is advanced in her development, much like I was when I was a mini one. Apparently it runs in the genes. That just means that I am going to have my hands full sooner rather then later. Not that they aren't already full.
Her resemblance to her Papa and his family is unmistakeable she doesn't look anything like me any longer. Although I am not complaining. I think she is beautiful, then again I am her mother. It would be a crime for me to think she is anything but beautiful.
Jaciel has filled my life with dirty dipes, hours of nursing, endless laundry and its all well worth my time, I am reminded by the countless smiles. She smiles all the time, when she wakes, she smiles while she is nursing, she smiles as I rock her to sleep... she still even grins while she is asleep. Therefore all that work is paid for in smiles, which makes me smile. I love being a mother.
April was a difficult month to be honest. On April 15th my Father had been gone a year. A year seems to pass by so quickly. He is missing so much. I can't help but feel its mostly due to his own doing. Your life choices NOW totally affect your children's lives later including but not limited to the family they create. Hello People, don't be selfish. Please.
Also this month a close friend of mine was gravely pained by someone she trusted. That hurts me to. That pain of betrayal is excruciating, unforgettable and majority of the time unforgivable. However she is a strong woman and I know she will be A-okay as time moves on.
I started a quasi-job. I'll tell you more about that later. Lets just saying its doing something I love. :)
My Grandmother has been hospitalized which is disturbing especially since I can't just hop in a car and go!
Our Adventure Conception to Birth
Showing posts with label Jaciel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jaciel. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
It's already March?
Time sure does fly with broken up sleep, early mornings wake ups and late morning starts. I think I get the swing of things and Jaciel gives me a new time set to work with. I know she isn't like me and a planner on the other hand she is like me and a "want it right now" kind of gal! I think I might just encourage that. With a little development and direction a demanding persona is useful. Wait... that could indeed backfire on me in a big way. <Giggle>
Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.
I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.
The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.
Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.
On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.
I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.
Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality.
I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.
I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!
In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!
Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.
Until next time.....
Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.
I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.
The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.
 |
| SMILING FOR THE CAMERA |
Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.
On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.
I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.
Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality.
I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.
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| JACIEL IN HER NEW BLUE DIAPER COVER |
I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!
In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!
Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.
Until next time.....
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| DON'T YOU WISH YOU COULD SLUMBER LIKE THIS? |
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wow!
Two things, Tuesday is Stas' and my two year anniversary and Thursday Jaciel will be a whole month old.
WOW!
Lets start with Tuesday .... I know two years isn't a long time but its still an accomplishment. Stas and I have had a rough time of it starting out. Especially since initially I wasn't interested in starting anything, much less starting a relationship. I wanted what I wanted, which was freedom. I wanted to find someone that was responsible, desired to actually settle down and not only made his own decisions but made decisions to begin with. A list was created way before I met Stas. This itemized list dictated in complete clarity what I wanted and what I wasn't willing to give on. I looked at Stas, after making him squirm for my entertainment and thought to myself "Him, nah. He is too young emotionally, too inexperienced in life, too much into his recreational activities, just...too young. He is a guy and guys don't become Mature at forty much less twenty-four years old." He however made a liar out of me, I took a chance by dating him, kept myself relatively emotionally distant. No "I love you's" passed through these lips, not that they didn't pass through his. Then we got pregnant, I didn't want to stay in San Francisco and raise a baby and he wanted EVERYTHING to do with her. Then she died, he still wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. We communicated, created a tremendously strong bond. In the face of turmoil we triumphed. We didn't break or crumble we fortified. I was amazed, still am every time I think back on it all.
Here we are now, nearly two years later. We have a beautiful little girl, we have an apartment that we work hard to keep. We made it through that raging fire filled with emotions with losing our first daughter, he held me together as I went through the stations of grief for not only our child but soon after my Father, he made it through moving far away from all he's known and finding a job to keep us afloat. Last but surely not least we survived the crazy fear infused creation of Jaciel. I didn't think he could handle moving so far away from his family (Therefore I didn't ask him to come along. He told me he was, I didn't really have a say.), nor did I think we'd be able to survive the pregnancy and birth of Jaciel after such a fresh wound. I didn't realize how much he wanted a family, how wonderful of a Father he could be and how much happiness I could feel. Every step of the way Stas has proven me wrong, showed me how I misjudged him and given me reason to believe he is just an all around wonderful man, rather then the boy I assumed he was.
Jaciel is going to be a month old Thursday. I can't imagine that only a month ago I delivered her, that only a month ago I met her for the very first time. She has been great, and the most precious gift I have ever received.
She currently is experiencing a growth spurt, I think. Due to the sleepless mornings where she has the urge to eat for four hours straight. Being that the only problem I've experienced so far, I feel super lucky! She already seems like she has gotten so much longer. Her face is changing and new features are emerging everyday. I am so thrilled, yet saddened by the speed it all takes place in. Not nearly enough time to enjoy it all to the fullest.
This week is a big week! I feel like time just flew by without me even noticing.
WOW!
Lets start with Tuesday .... I know two years isn't a long time but its still an accomplishment. Stas and I have had a rough time of it starting out. Especially since initially I wasn't interested in starting anything, much less starting a relationship. I wanted what I wanted, which was freedom. I wanted to find someone that was responsible, desired to actually settle down and not only made his own decisions but made decisions to begin with. A list was created way before I met Stas. This itemized list dictated in complete clarity what I wanted and what I wasn't willing to give on. I looked at Stas, after making him squirm for my entertainment and thought to myself "Him, nah. He is too young emotionally, too inexperienced in life, too much into his recreational activities, just...too young. He is a guy and guys don't become Mature at forty much less twenty-four years old." He however made a liar out of me, I took a chance by dating him, kept myself relatively emotionally distant. No "I love you's" passed through these lips, not that they didn't pass through his. Then we got pregnant, I didn't want to stay in San Francisco and raise a baby and he wanted EVERYTHING to do with her. Then she died, he still wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. We communicated, created a tremendously strong bond. In the face of turmoil we triumphed. We didn't break or crumble we fortified. I was amazed, still am every time I think back on it all.
Here we are now, nearly two years later. We have a beautiful little girl, we have an apartment that we work hard to keep. We made it through that raging fire filled with emotions with losing our first daughter, he held me together as I went through the stations of grief for not only our child but soon after my Father, he made it through moving far away from all he's known and finding a job to keep us afloat. Last but surely not least we survived the crazy fear infused creation of Jaciel. I didn't think he could handle moving so far away from his family (Therefore I didn't ask him to come along. He told me he was, I didn't really have a say.), nor did I think we'd be able to survive the pregnancy and birth of Jaciel after such a fresh wound. I didn't realize how much he wanted a family, how wonderful of a Father he could be and how much happiness I could feel. Every step of the way Stas has proven me wrong, showed me how I misjudged him and given me reason to believe he is just an all around wonderful man, rather then the boy I assumed he was.
Jaciel is going to be a month old Thursday. I can't imagine that only a month ago I delivered her, that only a month ago I met her for the very first time. She has been great, and the most precious gift I have ever received.
She currently is experiencing a growth spurt, I think. Due to the sleepless mornings where she has the urge to eat for four hours straight. Being that the only problem I've experienced so far, I feel super lucky! She already seems like she has gotten so much longer. Her face is changing and new features are emerging everyday. I am so thrilled, yet saddened by the speed it all takes place in. Not nearly enough time to enjoy it all to the fullest.
This week is a big week! I feel like time just flew by without me even noticing.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Baby Sleepin';I should be cleaning!
Well...well can you believe its already one week into February of 2011? I am still trying to get use to the idea that is 2011. Then January passed by in a blur, I normally write an end of year email or something. This year I got lost in the busy everyday life of me, the shuffle of pregnancy, impending motherhood then bam labor, delivery and actual mommy-hood. End of year post was the last thing on my mind. I think in January the only thing that was on my mind was "How do I get this baby born?" "What herbal, old wise tales can I attempt?" followed by a lot of 'Nah' replies to my options due to the dangers involved. Therefore in the end truly I didn't do anything but walk and maybe did a little 'special dance' or two.
I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.
Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.
Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....
I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.
Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.
Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....
I love this Stroller!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
10 Days Old
Jaciel is ten days old and is now 7lbs 7.5oz. I can't believe how fast she is already growing so fast.
Its already too fast for me, lol. I am patiently waiting for her to be able to fit in 0-3 mo. clothing. Right now she still only fitting in Newborn clothing therefore she doesn't have many options.
This is just a short note making sure I announce the biggest change in her development. Oh yeah, aside from the weight she is also keeping her eyes open for longer amounts of time, exploring the world around her albeit fuzzy since she is still learning to focus. I think its so neat. Jaciel isn't even two whole weeks old and I can already see how newborn-hood is slipping away.
Its so fascinating!
This is just a short note making sure I announce the biggest change in her development. Oh yeah, aside from the weight she is also keeping her eyes open for longer amounts of time, exploring the world around her albeit fuzzy since she is still learning to focus. I think its so neat. Jaciel isn't even two whole weeks old and I can already see how newborn-hood is slipping away.
Its so fascinating!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Lovin' This
The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.
I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.
Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.
Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.
Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.
I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.
A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.
I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.
Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.
Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.
Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.
I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.
A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another
I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.
I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?
My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.
Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me!
Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.
Now she is here.
I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)
The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.
My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!
My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.
Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me!
Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.
Now she is here.
I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)
The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.
My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Business of Being Born - Documentary
Everyone should watch this documentary. It was fantastic, informative and in some ways I guess could strike some as shocking. I am emotional so the fact that some of it made me cry isn't exactly news but it did. Having a baby is emotional, being pregnant is an emotional experience it all is. Not only for the Mama but for the Papa to, no one ever talks about that part but there is a great deal that no one ever talks about whether it be good, bad or indifferent. - Just watch it! :)
Last night I had a baby melt down! An "OMG She will be here and I am going to do it all wrong." kind of melt down. Stas looked at me with a grin trying to soothe me but at the same time being entertained by my emotional flip out. Its not something I do very often and he thinks its so cute, while I think its so pathetic. I said that she should stay where she is at, in my belly where its safe because what if I can't protect her from anything and everything. Then I stopped in my tracks, saying very forcefully "I am NOT staying pregnant forever." followed by laughing. Right now I feel like I am going to be pregnant until the end of time but she eventually is going to have to make her debut. Apparently she has decided that full term, is the way to go, all the way or nothing at all. Which is good of course. Besides after a while you kind of get use to being miserable.
I am nesting a bit, and then I feel bad because I get too exhausted to complete anything. Really whew I want to get this stuff done. I have to but with the extra weight on my body and the other wonderful hormones that loosen joints making everything all stretchy is making my injuries and so one flare up more then ever before. I again snapped my hip out of place, again I was wanting to scream bloody murder and again walking was a pain literally. My back also hasn't been too keen on working properly with the extra baby weight pulling on it. Ugh! - Yet in the end its all worth it.
Every ache and pain, every nasty tired day and every "blah" emotional moment is worth the end result of seeing my little girl, touching my little girl and bringing her home. I am waiting so impatiently.
I guess that is all for today. Its horribly foggy outside so I am worried about Stas tonight. He works until 1AM. Those who read this keep his safe trip home tonight in your thoughts please.
Good Night!
Last night I had a baby melt down! An "OMG She will be here and I am going to do it all wrong." kind of melt down. Stas looked at me with a grin trying to soothe me but at the same time being entertained by my emotional flip out. Its not something I do very often and he thinks its so cute, while I think its so pathetic. I said that she should stay where she is at, in my belly where its safe because what if I can't protect her from anything and everything. Then I stopped in my tracks, saying very forcefully "I am NOT staying pregnant forever." followed by laughing. Right now I feel like I am going to be pregnant until the end of time but she eventually is going to have to make her debut. Apparently she has decided that full term, is the way to go, all the way or nothing at all. Which is good of course. Besides after a while you kind of get use to being miserable.
I am nesting a bit, and then I feel bad because I get too exhausted to complete anything. Really whew I want to get this stuff done. I have to but with the extra weight on my body and the other wonderful hormones that loosen joints making everything all stretchy is making my injuries and so one flare up more then ever before. I again snapped my hip out of place, again I was wanting to scream bloody murder and again walking was a pain literally. My back also hasn't been too keen on working properly with the extra baby weight pulling on it. Ugh! - Yet in the end its all worth it.
Every ache and pain, every nasty tired day and every "blah" emotional moment is worth the end result of seeing my little girl, touching my little girl and bringing her home. I am waiting so impatiently.
I guess that is all for today. Its horribly foggy outside so I am worried about Stas tonight. He works until 1AM. Those who read this keep his safe trip home tonight in your thoughts please.
Good Night!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Going to See the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz
(The title has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post but couldn't think of a title.)
Went to the doctors and she is now at Station +2, I am dilated the same and its just a waiting game. As it has been so from the beginning but I now technically have a baby that is one week from or is considered full term (36-37wks) depending on the dates you go by. Which is wonderful. Let me make this clear, with all my complaints I am thrilled that she is where she is at in her gestational age. She is wonderfully healthy and its amazing how long I have been able to safely keep her in my womb growing as she has supposed to all along. Keep in mind this as I say:
"I AM SO READY FOR HER TO BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I am MISERABLE"
Yet I am truly blessed to have the healthy child I do and to have made it to this point in my pregnancy adventure. The alternative is so much scarier. The NICU and the health problems or even, god forbid, another death of one of my children those were my alternatives. Although all those listed above could happen due to unforeseen circumstances now they are so much less likely.
Thank you, irritable uterus that is only irritable and not out to devastate me.
Thank you, our healthy tough-cookie of a baby girl.
Thank you, supportive family and friends.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.
Thank you, wonderful partner of mine.
Thank you, lord above for all the above and more.
Now the next step is birth, lets get through that and this adventure will come to an end only for the next one to begin.
Lets get movin'!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
*CRIES*
FACTS- All current facts are these: 5-5.5 cm Dilated, 80-85% Effaced, contractions 1-1.5min apart lasting anywhere between 1-2mins long, Station 0 and a bulging water bag (occasionally). He almost broke my water but expected it to happen by that evening, it didn't... that was Monday January Tenth (Through the Twelfth).
Now its Wednesday and I am still pregnant, still contracting regularly, still miserable, no relief, no reprieve just at home. We are waiting for my water to break. I can't do this past 36 weeks. I won't. I am done, frustrated and exhausted. Talking to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what happens then.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.
"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"
Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!
Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.
Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!
I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.
Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.
EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.
Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.
Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!
I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.
Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.
EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
It has been a while since I have posted on here. I have had some crazy days and then some that have just been blissful. I am trying to keep my emotions under control. Lately my small amount of so called patience has gotten even less. My landlord the current one in this big mess of a change over has shown his true colors and I am disappointed in myself for thinking that being nice and not a stickler was okay. WRONG! This is one of the many traits I have actually earned by being my mothers child. As much as I attempt to protect myself from idiots that are out to just be selfish, dishonest and that have a crappy sense of ethic. I am ready to actively look for a new place to live, although this would be crappy timing, find me a lawyer and start paperwork suing him for lack of repairs and being a crappy landlord. Ugh! I don't know what exactly to do but I do know that I don't have the energies or gumption to really deal with this mess right now.
I had a L&D experience from hell as well since the last time I've written in here. I went in for contractions, they gave me nasty Trabuterline (the stuff that feels like a self induced anxiety attack) which didn't work after a while they released me with instructions to return if they don't go away or increase in intensity. They did and I did as I was instructed. The contractions actually woke me up from much needed slumber. This would be when things really went awry. They ended up giving me Promethizine, an anti nausea medication, which I have taken before. Well it gave me such leg spasms that I couldn't stop moving and it wouldn't let me sleep. They gave me Benedryal which increased my issue rather then solved it. I was so out of it that when they came in saying "Here is your Dilauded." I looked up and said Huh? "Why are you giving me Dilauded?" "You asked for it." They said this part as they were injecting it. I felt total instant relaxation in my legs, they were hurting so bad from constant uncontrollable movement. The problem was I don't recall ever requesting pain medication. None! I don't remember them talking to me I do know that after the medication I was finally able to sleep but I swear to you I didn't ask for it.
After all was said and done, I went home at Nine in the morning after a total of twelve hours in L&D (including my initial visit) and slept off the fog. Only to cry for an entire day blaming Stas for going home and sleeping, although I told him to do so, and allowing me to over drug my baby via drugging myself. I had been so angry because I COULDN'T remember why, what or how I ended up taking a narcotic. I don't remember being in pain, not real pain. Maybe after a while the discomfort of constant little contractions and a few larger ones I hurt but I don't remember. I was so angry at myself and worried for Jaciel. She wasn't moving a whole lot. THEN......
She started up again! All was normal and now all is still normal. Now however I swear unless my water breaks or leaks or something visual happens I am going to deal with these contractions and SUCK IT UP! I am not have a replay of that night EVER again, PERIOD!!!
Oh yes, holidays. Those of you who know me well know that Holidays and I aren't really that close. However being that Turkey only comes out once a year for our weekly dinner with my mother at my house we made one. Along with my sought after Garlic Green Beans, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Root Salad (Kohlrabi, Beets, Carrots with Raspberry Vinaigrette) and last but not least a Apple Crumble Pie. I didn't hear not one complaint except for the ones coming out of Stas' mouth about how FAT he feels he is getting as he stuffs himself with the remainder of the pie. Must say it was a yummy meal. :)
The baby shower is coming up quicker and quicker, we are thrilled. I can't wait to see family and see the excitement on Nana's face as she feels her Great Granddaughter kick her through my belly. Her tactile senses are a little bit more advanced due to the lack of her other senses and I know she is going to love it. Not to mention of course I am curious what little cool items Jaciel is going to get. :)
Well.. Well, I think that covers it. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday and are enjoying the remainder of your November. With all your shopping and holiday craziness, be safe.
I had a L&D experience from hell as well since the last time I've written in here. I went in for contractions, they gave me nasty Trabuterline (the stuff that feels like a self induced anxiety attack) which didn't work after a while they released me with instructions to return if they don't go away or increase in intensity. They did and I did as I was instructed. The contractions actually woke me up from much needed slumber. This would be when things really went awry. They ended up giving me Promethizine, an anti nausea medication, which I have taken before. Well it gave me such leg spasms that I couldn't stop moving and it wouldn't let me sleep. They gave me Benedryal which increased my issue rather then solved it. I was so out of it that when they came in saying "Here is your Dilauded." I looked up and said Huh? "Why are you giving me Dilauded?" "You asked for it." They said this part as they were injecting it. I felt total instant relaxation in my legs, they were hurting so bad from constant uncontrollable movement. The problem was I don't recall ever requesting pain medication. None! I don't remember them talking to me I do know that after the medication I was finally able to sleep but I swear to you I didn't ask for it.
After all was said and done, I went home at Nine in the morning after a total of twelve hours in L&D (including my initial visit) and slept off the fog. Only to cry for an entire day blaming Stas for going home and sleeping, although I told him to do so, and allowing me to over drug my baby via drugging myself. I had been so angry because I COULDN'T remember why, what or how I ended up taking a narcotic. I don't remember being in pain, not real pain. Maybe after a while the discomfort of constant little contractions and a few larger ones I hurt but I don't remember. I was so angry at myself and worried for Jaciel. She wasn't moving a whole lot. THEN......
She started up again! All was normal and now all is still normal. Now however I swear unless my water breaks or leaks or something visual happens I am going to deal with these contractions and SUCK IT UP! I am not have a replay of that night EVER again, PERIOD!!!
Oh yes, holidays. Those of you who know me well know that Holidays and I aren't really that close. However being that Turkey only comes out once a year for our weekly dinner with my mother at my house we made one. Along with my sought after Garlic Green Beans, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Root Salad (Kohlrabi, Beets, Carrots with Raspberry Vinaigrette) and last but not least a Apple Crumble Pie. I didn't hear not one complaint except for the ones coming out of Stas' mouth about how FAT he feels he is getting as he stuffs himself with the remainder of the pie. Must say it was a yummy meal. :)
The baby shower is coming up quicker and quicker, we are thrilled. I can't wait to see family and see the excitement on Nana's face as she feels her Great Granddaughter kick her through my belly. Her tactile senses are a little bit more advanced due to the lack of her other senses and I know she is going to love it. Not to mention of course I am curious what little cool items Jaciel is going to get. :)
Well.. Well, I think that covers it. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday and are enjoying the remainder of your November. With all your shopping and holiday craziness, be safe.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Oh how fun it is....
Last few days I have been so horribly uncomfortable. Not just due to baby but... well related to baby but not because of her directly. I am slowly beginning to feel better then tonight about twenty or thirty minutes ago however she was sitting restricted my breathing. Talk about uncomfortable and no matter how expected it is having your breathing restricted is very disconcerting. Thankfully due to my experience with my breathing problems as a child I have a lot of experience in calming myself. Doesn't by any means mean I enjoyed the twenty-five minutes of feeling like some unseen being was attempting to smoother me. I forced myself to take a nap knowing that you breath shallow and relax when you sleep. Which allows whatever is taking place take its course. The nap was much needed anyway.
I have become increasingly irritable with Santi, Stas and probably any other person that crosses my path lately. Especially on days that aren't too pleasant for me. Instead of just really rough nights its all the time. By the time I make my peace with this stage of our adventure it will be over. Its a pleasant thought but one dripping with a bit of sweet sorrow. Pregnancy is less then splendid experience sometimes but its still an experience I wouldn't take back.
I went to my last appointment and got glowing reviews. Did the nasty glucose test, heard her wildly beating heart and her kicking in retaliation to the invasion. Was told that I am not allowed travel, and he told me so in such a round about way. Which made me giggle. We have our fingers crossed that Miss. Jaciel Polina Kalyuzhnaya waits and bakes at least until thirty-seven weeks. I haven't received the results to the sugar test but he doesn't seem to be concerned, we are also checking me Cholestasis to be on the safe side because I have been itching a lot. However I think it has more to do with the cold dry weather coming about signaling winter. Over all I think my appointment went well and I am coming along nicely. It is official however that I feel her every move, she twitches and I know. it. This fact comes with mixed feelings. HAHA
Stas' work has cut his hours next week for reason unknown to us, causes a little bit of stress. Okay, I lie it causes a lot of stress. However we'll survive. It always works out. We still haven't gotten our repairs done in the house which is getting increasingly irritating. I just keep telling myself things will work out soon.
On a really happy exciting note, my baby shower is coming up. Yay! Its coming quickly. I am so excited!!!!
In conclusion, I can't believe this adventure is coming to an end. Soon I will be holding the same being that is being housed within my body and kicking the living out of my insides. I am excited, and so many other things to.
I have become increasingly irritable with Santi, Stas and probably any other person that crosses my path lately. Especially on days that aren't too pleasant for me. Instead of just really rough nights its all the time. By the time I make my peace with this stage of our adventure it will be over. Its a pleasant thought but one dripping with a bit of sweet sorrow. Pregnancy is less then splendid experience sometimes but its still an experience I wouldn't take back.
I went to my last appointment and got glowing reviews. Did the nasty glucose test, heard her wildly beating heart and her kicking in retaliation to the invasion. Was told that I am not allowed travel, and he told me so in such a round about way. Which made me giggle. We have our fingers crossed that Miss. Jaciel Polina Kalyuzhnaya waits and bakes at least until thirty-seven weeks. I haven't received the results to the sugar test but he doesn't seem to be concerned, we are also checking me Cholestasis to be on the safe side because I have been itching a lot. However I think it has more to do with the cold dry weather coming about signaling winter. Over all I think my appointment went well and I am coming along nicely. It is official however that I feel her every move, she twitches and I know. it. This fact comes with mixed feelings. HAHA
Stas' work has cut his hours next week for reason unknown to us, causes a little bit of stress. Okay, I lie it causes a lot of stress. However we'll survive. It always works out. We still haven't gotten our repairs done in the house which is getting increasingly irritating. I just keep telling myself things will work out soon.
On a really happy exciting note, my baby shower is coming up. Yay! Its coming quickly. I am so excited!!!!
In conclusion, I can't believe this adventure is coming to an end. Soon I will be holding the same being that is being housed within my body and kicking the living out of my insides. I am excited, and so many other things to.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Yesterday & Comprehensive Update
Last night was a blast and I know something that won't happen for a while after Jaciel is born. Stas and I met up with Martin, Angie, Darrell, Rater, Regina, Daniel and Liz at Brew Bakers, which had the worst service on the planet but we had a blast. We then all headed back to Angie and Martin's house for some more hanging out. Needless to say we didn't get home until two in the morning nearly. (Confession: Brew Bakers stairs killed me, I did a little too much but sat my happy butt down and did nothing the entire time I was at the house.)
I have never been one under the impression that my adult life ENDS once a child is born. Really my fun continues but may be slightly tweaked. It really depends on what you consider fun. If you consider going out every weekend for the entire weekend to a club or wild party, then yeah your days of that is OVER! That thankfully isn't me. Ask any of my friends (the few I have) I am the boring, simple one. They love me! Anyhow I do know staying out until some god awful hour isn't going to happen often at all.
Don't misunderstand I am also not one under the impression that the weekend after Jaciel's grand entrance that I am going to be heading out to the nearest theme park for a romp. I know that she and I will not be parted for at least two months, I intend to breast feed with little to no pumping for the first four to eight weeks to establish a good milk supply. I also don't intend to do a great deal for the first eight weeks anyway. I'd like to bond with her, stir up some maternal instincts, get use to being a mother and get cozy with my lack of sleep.
The point of the last two paragraphs would be, well I guess they don't have a point. Stas and I really just enjoyed our outing and are glad we were invited.
I am honestly feeling very confident this week. Whether either ultra sound is correct that I am 27 or 26 weeks along I am confident that Jaciel will be just fine. I am also for some reason, which as I am sure I am mentioned before I am super in-tuned with my body unlike a lot of people. (Curse and a Blessing) I am of the belief deep down that Jaciel will be born soon after the removal of my cerclage as the doctor has guessed. I am actually not worried. Possibly I should be more concerned then I am but I am not.
The house is coming together, slowly but its happening. I need it to come together for my sanity. I do things here and there and Stas has been a great help. He loves both me and his little girl snuggled inside of me, thankfully that propels him to do things about the house and be a great emotional support. I am blessed. Its taken me some time to find some one like him.
I am excited to say my Baby Shower is coming up. December 5th @ 2pm I am going to be at my sisters house enjoying a yummy cake and I am sure lots of laughter. I am unaware if I am going to get many items but honestly I am not so worried about that either. People have worked with less then nothing and I know my family won't allow me to go without for our little girl.
I guess bottom line is I just am not worrying about much of anything. Its keeping me much more content and probably healthier. Although I have my moments where I am bombarded with thoughts about being a new mother to a very helpless wiggly little girl. It comes with its apprehensions as a big picture but I figure one day at a time. Right? The worst problem right now is the pain that goes along with her stretching and so fourth within my belly. I am not a very big person and I know she isn't a very big person right now either. However two not very big people, one housed within the other isn't always the most comfortable. It always seems like she knows where to hurt me most, ugh. However even with my complaints I am happy to just know that she is safe, healthy, and alive wiggling within my womb.
I don't understand how people can hate pregnancy so much. I have been reading a lot of articles trying to 'take it easy'. So many claim such horrors. When I feel that its difficult and some days I want to pull out my hair but it doesn't seem much different then any other part of living. Some days you just want to pull out your hair, some moments are more difficult then others, some nights sleep seems non-existent and last but not least some days you just want to curse the world. Pregnancy doesn't really seem to be much of a change from those same ol' motions. The new part is the happiness that comes over you even during the worst painful, stressful moments reminding you that inside you have a beating heart, a living being. With all my rambling it just comes down to I feel the unpleasantness is completely canceled out in the end by the fact I have a little person growing inside of my body, created by me (with some help of course), nurtured by me, protected by me who I love more then anything although I have never seen her.
I have never been one under the impression that my adult life ENDS once a child is born. Really my fun continues but may be slightly tweaked. It really depends on what you consider fun. If you consider going out every weekend for the entire weekend to a club or wild party, then yeah your days of that is OVER! That thankfully isn't me. Ask any of my friends (the few I have) I am the boring, simple one. They love me! Anyhow I do know staying out until some god awful hour isn't going to happen often at all.
Don't misunderstand I am also not one under the impression that the weekend after Jaciel's grand entrance that I am going to be heading out to the nearest theme park for a romp. I know that she and I will not be parted for at least two months, I intend to breast feed with little to no pumping for the first four to eight weeks to establish a good milk supply. I also don't intend to do a great deal for the first eight weeks anyway. I'd like to bond with her, stir up some maternal instincts, get use to being a mother and get cozy with my lack of sleep.
The point of the last two paragraphs would be, well I guess they don't have a point. Stas and I really just enjoyed our outing and are glad we were invited.
I am honestly feeling very confident this week. Whether either ultra sound is correct that I am 27 or 26 weeks along I am confident that Jaciel will be just fine. I am also for some reason, which as I am sure I am mentioned before I am super in-tuned with my body unlike a lot of people. (Curse and a Blessing) I am of the belief deep down that Jaciel will be born soon after the removal of my cerclage as the doctor has guessed. I am actually not worried. Possibly I should be more concerned then I am but I am not.
The house is coming together, slowly but its happening. I need it to come together for my sanity. I do things here and there and Stas has been a great help. He loves both me and his little girl snuggled inside of me, thankfully that propels him to do things about the house and be a great emotional support. I am blessed. Its taken me some time to find some one like him.
I am excited to say my Baby Shower is coming up. December 5th @ 2pm I am going to be at my sisters house enjoying a yummy cake and I am sure lots of laughter. I am unaware if I am going to get many items but honestly I am not so worried about that either. People have worked with less then nothing and I know my family won't allow me to go without for our little girl.
I guess bottom line is I just am not worrying about much of anything. Its keeping me much more content and probably healthier. Although I have my moments where I am bombarded with thoughts about being a new mother to a very helpless wiggly little girl. It comes with its apprehensions as a big picture but I figure one day at a time. Right? The worst problem right now is the pain that goes along with her stretching and so fourth within my belly. I am not a very big person and I know she isn't a very big person right now either. However two not very big people, one housed within the other isn't always the most comfortable. It always seems like she knows where to hurt me most, ugh. However even with my complaints I am happy to just know that she is safe, healthy, and alive wiggling within my womb.
I don't understand how people can hate pregnancy so much. I have been reading a lot of articles trying to 'take it easy'. So many claim such horrors. When I feel that its difficult and some days I want to pull out my hair but it doesn't seem much different then any other part of living. Some days you just want to pull out your hair, some moments are more difficult then others, some nights sleep seems non-existent and last but not least some days you just want to curse the world. Pregnancy doesn't really seem to be much of a change from those same ol' motions. The new part is the happiness that comes over you even during the worst painful, stressful moments reminding you that inside you have a beating heart, a living being. With all my rambling it just comes down to I feel the unpleasantness is completely canceled out in the end by the fact I have a little person growing inside of my body, created by me (with some help of course), nurtured by me, protected by me who I love more then anything although I have never seen her.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Happy!
I read this Article on TheFrisky.com the other day and I could help but laugh the entire time. Its called Girl Talk: Why the Third Trimester is the Best Trimester I am in complete total agreement with it. The first trimester is full of miscarriage worries, the ultimate forever long PMS and no one knows why because its just too early. The Second is all those little pains and aches but no one gives any sympathy because your just barely pregnant. You may feel your bean begin to move just to flip out when it stops being so irregular. Then the third happens. Yes its uncomfortable. Yes its tiring but you know what ... all that movement is a sure sign of healthy baby and no worries! I LOVE WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW. I finally feel less fat and just pregnant. I feel Jaciel move all the time. I much rather her stick her limbs in my ribs rather then down into my cervix but hey pain and all I know she is okay. Just think I am almost on my last three month stretch. I am loving it!
Crystal and Angie are coming over for Coffee this morning and I am going to toss together another batch of my bread. It was good and who can turn down warm bread and coffee, right?
Have a few things to do today. Bank, post office ... that kind of thing. I am in a fantastic mood and going to enjoy every second of it. I must be glowing with good mood vibes because when Stas walked in from taking Santi out for his walk all he wanted to do was come and give me a kiss. :)
I feel so loved, so happy and so ready to meet my little girl!
Crystal and Angie are coming over for Coffee this morning and I am going to toss together another batch of my bread. It was good and who can turn down warm bread and coffee, right?
Have a few things to do today. Bank, post office ... that kind of thing. I am in a fantastic mood and going to enjoy every second of it. I must be glowing with good mood vibes because when Stas walked in from taking Santi out for his walk all he wanted to do was come and give me a kiss. :)
I feel so loved, so happy and so ready to meet my little girl!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Confessions of a Different Kind
Before swimming into the depths of this post and what is plaguing me at the moment I am going to splash around in the pleasant shallows first. Early this morning I was griping about something and Stas stared at me with this grin. You know you all hate it when your fuming about anything and the person your spewing that symbolic fire to is looking back at you with a silly grin. The kind of grin you just want to slap right off their face. I realized a long time ago that would be why my mother always told me instead of yelling back at someone being rude I should reply in a calm manner of "Thank you" or "You have a nice day to." punctuated with a broad smile. It pisses them off, it sure pisses me off. Mind you whatever I was griping about really has no baring because it wasn't anything worth griping about I am sure. I can't even fully remember it and that is a sure sign that it wasn't that important. Just couples gripes, you know the kind. Anyhow what I do remember is making that frustrated gerr sound and balling up my fists at my side. The semi-adult fit throwing stance of frustration. Then asking him in a very stern, not so stern really I just like to say it was. It sounds better then miniature fit throwing roar that you hear out of a midget like me, who probably isn't as pissed as she'd like to portray. So yeah I am asking him in a scary stern sounding voice saying "Why are you grinning at me? What is so entertaining? Are you listening at all?" and his reply instantly deflated my puffed up stance. "You've gotten so much bigger."
Ugh? That is like saying I am waddling and I told him if he ever tells me I am waddling like a duck that I'd make him pay. I've gotten so much bigger! Humph. BIGGER! Yes, I know everyone makes comments about how tiny I am. How lucky I am to still be so little and thin, minus the baby belly. Then even my baby belly is cute and small. Thank you all for the kind compliments and I know I am not as large as some can get. I am lucky to have my baby weight protrude rather then spread, at least I am lucky this time. However I am still sensitive about my size, remember (those of you who knew me then) I was once 210lbs, huge. SIZE is a major thing for me. Therefore the comment of "You've gotten so much bigger" from Stas this morning didn't make me smile at first, it didn't help that I was angry about something stupid initially. I continued my mature semi-adult fit throwing and stomped off. Only to find myself smiling and returning to him lounging on the couch looking down and saying "I can't see my legs anymore." Lets just say I swear I grow over night. Yesterday I was able to see the tips of my shoes. I can't now.
Over all baby update is on the up and up. She is making me sorely uncomfortable and turning my midsection into a bowling ball-like display. I love my bowling ball, honestly but she is heavy! She may only be a few pounds right now but my small body feels like she is more like ten pounds. Ugh! Makes me really wonder when she makes her debut how big she is going to be. The thought of her debut makes me smile every time, never fails. I can't wait to meet this little person I have house inside me, who is entertained by the innards she can practice her kung fu gymnastics moves on.
There is me splish-splashing in the shallows. I actually think the whole things this morning is funny.
Now for the depths ....
Those of you who saw my post about me losing my income are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about. Some of you, but not all are aware that I am actually legally married to a man named Phillip. He is in the United States Army. Our separation is of the complicated sort. Its more complicated then infidelity but just as humiliating and painful not like infidelity isn't humiliating and painful enough. To make things just that much more complicated being that the Military is a factor the particulars of getting a divorce are a bit more screwy. Anyhow bottom line is I am still married. Stas knows, and has known from day one. I kept no secrets. My livelihood has actually been coming from Phillip due to the Military since our parting. This was set to change very soon. However he now wants to pull it from me prior to the finalization of the divorce. This taking place is still in limbo. It depends if the Military lets him and if he with his NCO's assistance find any nifty loop holes. Trust me its the government and loop holes abound, worst its the ARMY. Those of you that have had any experience with the ARMY need no explanation, those of you who haven't don't want to know.
Well this has forced me into early confession mode. Phillip is aware of Stas, yet names have never been revealed. I am also well aware of some Italian chick he is seeing who has a small child. There isn't any issues with that. However what he wasn't aware of was baby, this one or the previous. I intended to tell him but was waiting for him to be out of the hectic, dangerous war zone that he was in being deployed.
See I have this thing, I kind of love those that I profess to love unconditionally. Which means as complicated and painful our unique separation was my hurt and anger lack in strength when it compares to my desire for his welbeing. Those of you who know the specifics think I am a little on the deluded side of the spectrum. However its just me, and honestly none of you would want me any other way. Otherwise I might not be the person you care for so much or the person who cares so much for you. Who knows who'd I'd be if I were different.
In the name of his sanity and safe surroundings I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy to him. I know he'd have mixed feeling about it. He and I had our experiences with attempts in child baring, we had our losses and our medical tortures. To find out in the end apparently his inability to produce a child, this of course wasn't discovered until some time after and not revealed to me until after our separation. Talk about some mixed emotions from little ol' me. It was a complicated process. I use that word an awfully lot. Things need to stop being so dang complicated so I don't have to. Back on track I didn't want to reveal my being with child until he was safe in Italy. With the money prospect I was forced into exposing my little secret and now I worry about what is to come.
I guess he still frightens me a little. I still care about his health and sanity as I mentioned above and I am so unsure about how his reaction is going to be. How its going to affect him and how its going to impact me. I don't like not knowing what is coming at me. I can't even gage my next move or my opponents at this moment.
Never been all that skilled at the game of chess, but I am skilled at the games people play. Especially at the games he plays. Therefore lets just say I am a little more then nervous about sitting here in the dark without a clue.
Guess we will see what comes next.
Ugh? That is like saying I am waddling and I told him if he ever tells me I am waddling like a duck that I'd make him pay. I've gotten so much bigger! Humph. BIGGER! Yes, I know everyone makes comments about how tiny I am. How lucky I am to still be so little and thin, minus the baby belly. Then even my baby belly is cute and small. Thank you all for the kind compliments and I know I am not as large as some can get. I am lucky to have my baby weight protrude rather then spread, at least I am lucky this time. However I am still sensitive about my size, remember (those of you who knew me then) I was once 210lbs, huge. SIZE is a major thing for me. Therefore the comment of "You've gotten so much bigger" from Stas this morning didn't make me smile at first, it didn't help that I was angry about something stupid initially. I continued my mature semi-adult fit throwing and stomped off. Only to find myself smiling and returning to him lounging on the couch looking down and saying "I can't see my legs anymore." Lets just say I swear I grow over night. Yesterday I was able to see the tips of my shoes. I can't now.
Over all baby update is on the up and up. She is making me sorely uncomfortable and turning my midsection into a bowling ball-like display. I love my bowling ball, honestly but she is heavy! She may only be a few pounds right now but my small body feels like she is more like ten pounds. Ugh! Makes me really wonder when she makes her debut how big she is going to be. The thought of her debut makes me smile every time, never fails. I can't wait to meet this little person I have house inside me, who is entertained by the innards she can practice her kung fu gymnastics moves on.
There is me splish-splashing in the shallows. I actually think the whole things this morning is funny.
Now for the depths ....
Those of you who saw my post about me losing my income are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about. Some of you, but not all are aware that I am actually legally married to a man named Phillip. He is in the United States Army. Our separation is of the complicated sort. Its more complicated then infidelity but just as humiliating and painful not like infidelity isn't humiliating and painful enough. To make things just that much more complicated being that the Military is a factor the particulars of getting a divorce are a bit more screwy. Anyhow bottom line is I am still married. Stas knows, and has known from day one. I kept no secrets. My livelihood has actually been coming from Phillip due to the Military since our parting. This was set to change very soon. However he now wants to pull it from me prior to the finalization of the divorce. This taking place is still in limbo. It depends if the Military lets him and if he with his NCO's assistance find any nifty loop holes. Trust me its the government and loop holes abound, worst its the ARMY. Those of you that have had any experience with the ARMY need no explanation, those of you who haven't don't want to know.
Well this has forced me into early confession mode. Phillip is aware of Stas, yet names have never been revealed. I am also well aware of some Italian chick he is seeing who has a small child. There isn't any issues with that. However what he wasn't aware of was baby, this one or the previous. I intended to tell him but was waiting for him to be out of the hectic, dangerous war zone that he was in being deployed.
See I have this thing, I kind of love those that I profess to love unconditionally. Which means as complicated and painful our unique separation was my hurt and anger lack in strength when it compares to my desire for his welbeing. Those of you who know the specifics think I am a little on the deluded side of the spectrum. However its just me, and honestly none of you would want me any other way. Otherwise I might not be the person you care for so much or the person who cares so much for you. Who knows who'd I'd be if I were different.
In the name of his sanity and safe surroundings I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy to him. I know he'd have mixed feeling about it. He and I had our experiences with attempts in child baring, we had our losses and our medical tortures. To find out in the end apparently his inability to produce a child, this of course wasn't discovered until some time after and not revealed to me until after our separation. Talk about some mixed emotions from little ol' me. It was a complicated process. I use that word an awfully lot. Things need to stop being so dang complicated so I don't have to. Back on track I didn't want to reveal my being with child until he was safe in Italy. With the money prospect I was forced into exposing my little secret and now I worry about what is to come.
I guess he still frightens me a little. I still care about his health and sanity as I mentioned above and I am so unsure about how his reaction is going to be. How its going to affect him and how its going to impact me. I don't like not knowing what is coming at me. I can't even gage my next move or my opponents at this moment.
Never been all that skilled at the game of chess, but I am skilled at the games people play. Especially at the games he plays. Therefore lets just say I am a little more then nervous about sitting here in the dark without a clue.
Guess we will see what comes next.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Dance for me baby!
I swear she is doing the jig inside my belly. I can watch my belly move as if an alien is inside of me trying to get out. I know it sounds weird, just imagine how if feels. Its just a crazy cool, not always the most comfortable sensation. It doesn't hurt, it looks like it should but not even a little. I believe it when they say she can hear whats about her because particular sounds make her move just a little more as does the time of day.
Truly amazing!
As for regular life, the house is slowly coming together. Santi is slowly getting use to the new surroundings. Its not like we made a huge move, literally on the opposite side of the building. With his difficulty adjusting you'd think we moved to a completely new COUNTRY. Lord help me, the owner of an uber sensitive puppy. Nova could care less, as long as she has food, her kitty tree and a window to smash her little kitty face into when she is on the hunt for flies or any other creature then she is a happy animal. Not so lucky with the dog.
Over all I am feeling good, I had a massive headache that is finally easing up and allowing me to not crave the action of sticking my head into the freezer for cryogenic-like safe keeping. They have to find the cure for Migraines sometime in the future. Right? Other then the regular pregnancy gripes, peeing all the time, not sleeping wonderfully... those kinds of things. Life is good!
Happy Weekend Everyone!
Ciao!
Truly amazing!
As for regular life, the house is slowly coming together. Santi is slowly getting use to the new surroundings. Its not like we made a huge move, literally on the opposite side of the building. With his difficulty adjusting you'd think we moved to a completely new COUNTRY. Lord help me, the owner of an uber sensitive puppy. Nova could care less, as long as she has food, her kitty tree and a window to smash her little kitty face into when she is on the hunt for flies or any other creature then she is a happy animal. Not so lucky with the dog.
Over all I am feeling good, I had a massive headache that is finally easing up and allowing me to not crave the action of sticking my head into the freezer for cryogenic-like safe keeping. They have to find the cure for Migraines sometime in the future. Right? Other then the regular pregnancy gripes, peeing all the time, not sleeping wonderfully... those kinds of things. Life is good!
Happy Weekend Everyone!
Ciao!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Doctors Appointment....
No fetal fibronectin test today, its not worth it. It really doesn't tell us anything that we didn't know already. I got scolded for doing too much, he says he knows I am not doing his version of "taking it easy". My reply was "You try just sitting there doing NOTHING all the time." he proceeded to tell me he couldn't. That is why he knows I am not but as long as I am doing my best. I told him that I do the grocery shopping but via electronic cart, he said okay that is fine. I also told him that I help with dinner but sitting down majority of the time. He also agreed that was okay but would rather I just sit without doing something, read a book, watch TV but no physical action. I told him I do that to but I can't do it too much it makes me crazy. I am glad the doc and I can see eye to eye.
As for Jaciel, she is healthy and yet again kicked the doc in retaliation while he was trying to get a decent reading on her little beating heart. The heart sounded odd this time because we could hear more then one valve. It was weird but that means she is well developed.
Today really hasn't been a bad day but I have been in a horrid mood. Aside from my just plain moody nature this fine Tuesday things have actually gone well.
Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is better then this one. :)
As for Jaciel, she is healthy and yet again kicked the doc in retaliation while he was trying to get a decent reading on her little beating heart. The heart sounded odd this time because we could hear more then one valve. It was weird but that means she is well developed.
Today really hasn't been a bad day but I have been in a horrid mood. Aside from my just plain moody nature this fine Tuesday things have actually gone well.
Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is better then this one. :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Another Year Older...
As I have mentioned on Facebook this morning my mother is turning another year older. When did that happen I think to myself. Then I remember "oh yeah about the same time I turned twenty-six she was on her way to fifty-three. Now she is going to be heading to fifty-four and I... am going to be edging closer to twenty-seven ALREADY."
The years go by and creep up on you even when your not looking. Its not a bad thing matter of fact I see it as a blessing. My father can't have another year, even if it is half due to his own devices. My baby-girl can't ever turn a year old. Nor can all the others we've lost in recent and past years. They are perpetually the age they were when they perished. No feeling that back ache from when you were twenty-one and had been not paying attention to what you were doing, then dumb enough to ignore it until it became more of a problem. Your reasoning being "I'm young it will go away." it doesn't go away but hey just think that ache you feel makes you remember how invincible you once felt. That untouchable youthfulness flowing strongly in your veins and how thrilling yet how disastrous it once was. Those aches and pains allow you the pleasure of looking back remembering what you learned and what you MUST pass on.
I think age is a beautiful thing, it can be frustrating at times and can add some visual character changes that aren't always welcomed but none of it is less then WELL earned.
I am glad my mother has the chance to turn fifty-three, the chance to be here with me and share this pregnancy with me. I am thrilled to know she is going to be here when Jaciel is born and see her granddaughter, enjoy the new life that has been created.
This is to my Mommy, Leonor Castorena, and her accomplishment of surviving a beautiful fifty-three years, raising a very self-sufficient daughter and being able to welcome a extremely loved granddaughter into this crazy chaotic world.
The years go by and creep up on you even when your not looking. Its not a bad thing matter of fact I see it as a blessing. My father can't have another year, even if it is half due to his own devices. My baby-girl can't ever turn a year old. Nor can all the others we've lost in recent and past years. They are perpetually the age they were when they perished. No feeling that back ache from when you were twenty-one and had been not paying attention to what you were doing, then dumb enough to ignore it until it became more of a problem. Your reasoning being "I'm young it will go away." it doesn't go away but hey just think that ache you feel makes you remember how invincible you once felt. That untouchable youthfulness flowing strongly in your veins and how thrilling yet how disastrous it once was. Those aches and pains allow you the pleasure of looking back remembering what you learned and what you MUST pass on.
I think age is a beautiful thing, it can be frustrating at times and can add some visual character changes that aren't always welcomed but none of it is less then WELL earned.
I am glad my mother has the chance to turn fifty-three, the chance to be here with me and share this pregnancy with me. I am thrilled to know she is going to be here when Jaciel is born and see her granddaughter, enjoy the new life that has been created.
This is to my Mommy, Leonor Castorena, and her accomplishment of surviving a beautiful fifty-three years, raising a very self-sufficient daughter and being able to welcome a extremely loved granddaughter into this crazy chaotic world.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Movies, Pogo and Snacks
Today I spent my afternoon watching movies, munching on Oranges and playing Qwerty. I think I might spend my evening the same way. Netflix happens to be my best friend along with Pogo. Both sites have been a life saver for me. Today I have seen Memory and Legion I haven't decided what movie is to come next. Thinking a foreign film. Possibly French or Russian or better yet, a Korean Horror Flick. Stas works until one in the morning so I have all the time in the world.
Pogo, my friendly gaming site is the one any only place to go for Qwerty and a very lovely game of Scrabble. I am addicted to those word games. Even if I don't seem to win much.
Jaciel is doing great she is moving around acting like a good little body snatcher. Abusing me yet making me smile all at the same time, Very Happy Mama here!
I guess that is all today. I am going to do some reading, online news kind of stuff, and maybe some chapters in the Novel I picked up titled Emily Hudson . Then Movie time!!!
Pogo, my friendly gaming site is the one any only place to go for Qwerty and a very lovely game of Scrabble. I am addicted to those word games. Even if I don't seem to win much.
Jaciel is doing great she is moving around acting like a good little body snatcher. Abusing me yet making me smile all at the same time, Very Happy Mama here!
I guess that is all today. I am going to do some reading, online news kind of stuff, and maybe some chapters in the Novel I picked up titled Emily Hudson . Then Movie time!!!
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