I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"

Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.

Confessions of a Different Kind

Before swimming into the depths of this post and what is plaguing me at the moment I am going to splash around in the pleasant shallows first. Early this morning I was griping about something and Stas stared at me with this grin. You know you all hate it when your fuming about anything and the person your spewing that symbolic fire to is looking back at you with a silly grin. The kind of grin you just want to slap right off their face. I realized a long time ago that would be why my mother always told me instead of yelling back at someone being rude I should reply in a calm manner of "Thank you" or "You have a nice day to." punctuated with a broad smile. It pisses them off, it sure pisses me off. Mind you whatever I was griping about really has no baring because it wasn't anything worth griping about I am sure. I can't even fully remember it and that is a sure sign that it wasn't that important. Just couples gripes, you know the kind. Anyhow what I do remember is making that frustrated gerr sound and balling up my fists at my side. The semi-adult fit throwing stance of frustration. Then asking him in a very stern, not so stern really I just like to say it was. It sounds better then miniature fit throwing roar that you hear out of a midget like me, who probably isn't as pissed as she'd like to portray. So yeah I am asking him in a scary stern sounding voice saying "Why are you grinning at me? What is so entertaining? Are you listening at all?" and his reply instantly deflated my puffed up stance. "You've gotten so much bigger."
Ugh? That is like saying I am waddling and I told him if he ever tells me I am waddling like a duck that I'd make him pay. I've gotten so much bigger! Humph. BIGGER! Yes, I know everyone makes comments about how tiny I am. How lucky I am to still be so little and thin, minus the baby belly. Then even my baby belly is cute and small. Thank you all for the kind compliments and I know I am not as large as some can get. I am lucky to have my baby weight protrude rather then spread, at least I am lucky this time. However I am still sensitive about my size, remember (those of you who knew me then) I was once 210lbs, huge. SIZE is a major thing for me. Therefore the comment of "You've gotten so much bigger" from Stas this morning didn't make me smile at first, it didn't help that I was angry about something stupid initially. I continued my mature semi-adult fit throwing and stomped off. Only to find myself smiling and returning to him lounging on the couch looking down and saying "I can't see my legs anymore." Lets just say I swear I grow over night. Yesterday I was able to see the tips of my shoes. I can't now.

Over all baby update is on the up and up. She is making me sorely uncomfortable and turning my midsection into a bowling ball-like display. I love my bowling ball, honestly but she is heavy! She may only be a few pounds right now but my small body feels like she is more like ten pounds. Ugh! Makes me really wonder when she makes her debut how big she is going to be. The thought of her debut makes me smile every time, never fails. I can't wait to meet this little person I have house inside me, who is entertained by the innards she can practice her kung fu gymnastics moves on. 

There is me splish-splashing in the shallows. I actually think the whole things this morning is funny.

Now for the depths ....
Those of you who saw my post about me losing my income are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about. Some of you, but not all are aware that I am actually legally married to a man named Phillip. He is in the United States Army. Our separation is of the complicated sort. Its more complicated then infidelity but just as humiliating and painful not like infidelity isn't humiliating and painful enough. To make things just that much more complicated being that the Military is a factor the particulars of getting a divorce are a bit more screwy. Anyhow bottom line is I am still married. Stas knows, and has known from day one. I kept no secrets. My livelihood has actually been coming from Phillip due to the Military since our parting. This was set to change very soon. However he now wants to pull it from me prior to the finalization of the divorce. This taking place is still in limbo. It depends if the Military lets him and if he with his NCO's assistance find any nifty loop holes. Trust me its the government and loop holes abound, worst its the ARMY. Those of you that have had any experience with the ARMY need no explanation, those of you who haven't don't want to know.

Well this has forced me into early confession mode. Phillip is aware of Stas, yet names have never been revealed. I am also well aware of some Italian chick he is seeing who has a small child. There isn't any issues with that. However what he wasn't aware of was baby, this one or the previous. I intended to tell him but was waiting for him to be out of the hectic, dangerous war zone that he was in being deployed.

See I have this thing, I kind of love those that I profess to love unconditionally. Which means as complicated and painful our unique separation was my hurt and anger lack in strength when it compares to my desire for his welbeing. Those of you who know the specifics think I am a little on the deluded side of the spectrum. However its just me, and honestly none of you would want me any other way. Otherwise I might not be the person you care for so much or the person who cares so much for you. Who knows who'd I'd be if I were different.

In the name of his sanity and safe surroundings I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy to him. I know he'd have mixed feeling about it. He and I had our experiences with attempts in child baring, we had our losses and our medical tortures. To find out in the end apparently his inability to produce a child, this of course wasn't discovered until some time after and not revealed to me until after our separation. Talk about some mixed emotions from little ol' me. It was a complicated process. I use that word an awfully lot. Things need to stop being so dang complicated so I don't have to. Back on track I didn't want to reveal my being with child until he was safe in Italy. With the money prospect I was forced into exposing my little secret and now I worry about what is to come.

I guess he still frightens me a little. I still care about his health and sanity as I mentioned above and I am so unsure about how his reaction is going to be. How its going to affect him and how its going to impact me. I don't like not knowing what is coming at me. I can't even gage my next move or my opponents at this moment.

Never been all that skilled at the game of chess, but I am skilled at the games people play. Especially at the games he plays. Therefore lets just say I am a little more then nervous about sitting here in the dark without a clue.

Guess we will see what comes next.

 

Why do I want to cry today, When it is tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me, I can't stop thinking about it already being a year since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I know I should just be happy that right now I am sitting here feeling my little one squirm inside of my belly but its such a different world in comparison to what my heart feels. The pain is a different animal.

If I shouldn't be feeling this until tomorrow; why do I want to cry today? Is today so different then any other day, so many anniversaries seem to be coming up and somewhere in the middle Jaciel should be born and providing us with the joys and stressors of having a newborn. Yet right now I feel blah. I feel pain, I feel sad... I feel all those nasty annoying feelings you feel when you lose someone you love.

Why can't I be happy for one more day before having to face the one year anniversary of her death?