The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another

I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.

I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?

My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.

Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me! 

Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.

Now she is here.

I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)

The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.

My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!   

Another Day...

Well I think I may have dilated a bit more due to the increase in pressure, her dropping and the contractions but I am just not ready to be put back in the hospital for any length of time at this moment. Therefore I haven't gone in to get re-checked just yet. I am waiting it out.
Today I was getting out of bed and had to flip from my left to my right side but did it in such a way that I felt my hip pop out of place. Oh the pain! Its back in but now I am so severely sore that I want to cry, not to mention my back isn't feeling the greatest. Between contractions, hip pain and back discomfort I swear today just sucks. I am tired but not sleepy, my body hurts and I am irritable. People beware. LOL
Tomorrow will be better I hope. My hip will calm down and hopefully the rest of my aches and pains won't seem so overwhelming. I know its just lack of good sleep and being in the current situation I am in with this pregnancy. (Refer to link above for last official update on my current stats)
Tonight Stas works until 1AM and I am not exactly ecstatic but work is work. We are low on gas but we'll survive. He took a co-worker, his boss to be specific, home the other day. Home was in Hanford. We didn't have the money to do this but hey whats done is done. I was more worried about him getting lost. He nearly did. He ended up in Tulare off of 99. Let me point out it was far after midnight. Crazy Man, love him... but he still is a nut sometimes.

I went to Cassie's house yesterday and enjoyed some laughs which was wonderful and a much needed event. :) She took this wonderful photo of Stas and I. I am So Pregnant. LOL

*CRIES*

FACTS- All current facts are these: 5-5.5 cm Dilated, 80-85% Effaced, contractions 1-1.5min apart lasting anywhere between 1-2mins long, Station 0 and a bulging water bag (occasionally). He almost broke my water but expected it to happen by that evening, it didn't... that was Monday January Tenth (Through the Twelfth). 

Now its Wednesday and I am still pregnant, still contracting regularly, still miserable, no relief, no reprieve just at home. We are waiting for my water to break. I can't do this past 36 weeks. I won't. I am done, frustrated and exhausted. Talking to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what happens then.  

Squeezing

Whew....my tummy keeps squeezing! She isn't moving much but I still feel her hiccuping. I wonder how much longer I have left. A little nervous, always wishing for some absolute that I am going to do this right, and be strong enough. I think I know I will be but fear is fear. I feel a great deal of it may be just coming from the hormones that my body is generating stiring up all these emotions. Not to mention the stressful month we have been experiencing in general.

One Day At A Time! 

EDIT UPDATE -

Labor and Delivery last night/this morning contractions 1min to 1.5min gave me med s sent me home. I am progressing. Maybe a week from now at the most... we will see!

I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"

Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.

Good Morning; Hard day

Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.

Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.

Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.

What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.

Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.

I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.

Bed-Rest

Yesterday I started to feel contractions, I am 22 weeks and obviously its far too early to be having contractions. Our baby is an active little one, I swear she is going to be a gymnast. She is growing perfectly, no problems everything inside is going smoothly until yesterday.

I am suppose to be taking it easy and I was under the impression I had been. Apparently not easy enough. I had began to notice that I felt twinges and such after grocery shopping also after I prepared a meal. Basically any standing or walking for any length of time would cause some twinges. However after about 30 minutes to an hour of sitting it faded away. I had planned to bring this up to Doctor on October 19th, which is my upcoming appointment. Apparently that wasn't soon enough.

Yesterday at about 10AM I began to feel what resembled contractions, and Jaciel had been moving around ten times more then what is normal. Didn't think anything of it besides that it had been a bit annoying. Then the annoying sensation began to become uncomfortable ranging to painful. Called that Doctor about 1PM didn't get a reply by 3PM so a trip to the emergency room ensued.

At first they didn't detect any contractions, they only saw how Jaciel seemed to be going for a world record of kicks in the exact same spot every time. I began to think it was all in my head and I was just being super sensitive to her movements now that she has become stronger.

Then I felt one. After the first one came more.

I got a shot of Terbutaline, which feels like the worst self induced anxiety attack on the planet. They tell me that I am not on Bedrest, modified so I can get up and go to the restroom as many times as desired. However the baby hasn't baked long enough to have a chance.

Now I am going batty and trying to not worry. Its looking like BED-REST is going to be what the doctor orders until birth.