The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another

I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.

I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?

My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.

Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me! 

Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.

Now she is here.

I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)

The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.

My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!   

Why do I want to cry today, When it is tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me, I can't stop thinking about it already being a year since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I know I should just be happy that right now I am sitting here feeling my little one squirm inside of my belly but its such a different world in comparison to what my heart feels. The pain is a different animal.

If I shouldn't be feeling this until tomorrow; why do I want to cry today? Is today so different then any other day, so many anniversaries seem to be coming up and somewhere in the middle Jaciel should be born and providing us with the joys and stressors of having a newborn. Yet right now I feel blah. I feel pain, I feel sad... I feel all those nasty annoying feelings you feel when you lose someone you love.

Why can't I be happy for one more day before having to face the one year anniversary of her death?

Good Morning; Hard day

Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.

Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.

Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.

What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.

Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.

I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle at 7PM and join others in creating an endless wave of light for those little ones that didn't make it. House Resolution #222 was passed in the house of Representatives supporting the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 . This is a little known fact but one that should be widely known and participated in.

The loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or pregnancy complications such as Pre-term labor is a startlingly common event and an extremely painful one; it is a loss that most families deal with in silence. Little support is given although there are support groups but they aren't known about, not suggested as often as they should be majority of the time nor are enough of them around. The death of a baby especially in miscarriage is still a taboo subject either ignored due to fear of saying the wrong thing or sadly the loss is even chalked up to something so common that it is as if it's nothing. With words thought to comfort such as "It just wasn't meant to be" or "This was natures way of fixing a mistake." These aren't words that are helpful instead they are rather painful to hear. Nothing is worse then the inadequate feelings and the devastation that is experienced when a baby is lost and this is at any point in the development as well as following birth. Becoming a parent is scary enough and to feel like you have failed in some way is crushing.

I personally have experienced this crushing feeling of failure when it wasn't I who failed. The pain of it is overwhelming, luckily enough when losing my little girl last year in October her father, my wonderful partner, companion and best friend grieved along with me. Tears were shed, lots of communication took place and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself through the process of grief. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that support and I couldn't have imagined having to cremate our baby girl without him by my side. We were offered counseling and opted out of it however we had been glad that it was offered in the first place. We considered it and knew if ever either one of us wanted, felt we needed to go and speak to someone about our experience we could. That alone was a comfort. A comfort not everyone has the privilege to have placed before them.

We need to educate the public about pregnancy and infant loss so they can better respond with kindness and compassion. We need to encourage healthcare providers, hospitals, funeral directors and other employees to give out the books, pamphlets and information regarding support available. These professionals need to be better trained to comfort affected families in order to help along the necessary healing process. Burial helps with the closure needed to move through the painful process of grieving over a loss. Therefore they need to be aware of the rights that the families have available to them so they can properly inform.

Let us please raise awareness and promote openness, and compassion regarding the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death by recognizing this day of national remembrance remembering our babies.