Baby Sleepin';I should be cleaning!

Well...well can you believe its already one week into February of 2011? I am still trying to get use to the idea that is 2011. Then January passed by in a blur, I normally write an end of year email or something. This year I got lost in the busy everyday life of me, the shuffle of pregnancy, impending motherhood then bam labor, delivery and actual mommy-hood. End of year post was the last thing on my mind. I think in January the only thing that was on my mind was "How do I get this baby born?" "What herbal, old wise tales can I attempt?" followed by a lot of 'Nah' replies to my options due to the dangers involved. Therefore in the end truly I didn't do anything but walk and maybe did a little 'special dance' or two.

I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.

Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.

Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....

I love this Stroller!

Business of Being Born - Documentary

Everyone should watch this documentary. It was fantastic, informative and in some ways I guess could strike some as shocking. I am emotional so the fact that some of it made me cry isn't exactly news but it did. Having a baby is emotional, being pregnant is an emotional experience it all is. Not only for the Mama but for the Papa to, no one ever talks about that part but there is a great deal that no one ever talks about whether it be good, bad or indifferent. - Just watch it! :)

Last night I had a baby melt down! An "OMG She will be here and I am going to do it all wrong." kind of melt down. Stas looked at me with a grin trying to soothe me but at the same time being entertained by my emotional flip out. Its not something I do very often and he thinks its so cute, while I think its so pathetic. I said that she should stay where she is at, in my belly where its safe because what if I can't protect her from anything and everything. Then I stopped in my tracks, saying very forcefully "I am NOT staying pregnant forever." followed by laughing. Right now I feel like I am going to be pregnant until the end of time but she eventually is going to have to make her debut. Apparently she has decided that full term, is the way to go, all the way or nothing at all. Which is good of course. Besides after a while you kind of get use to being miserable.

I am nesting a bit, and then I feel bad because I get too exhausted to complete anything. Really whew I want to get this stuff done. I have to but with the extra weight on my body and the other wonderful hormones that loosen joints making everything all stretchy is making my injuries and so one flare up more then ever before. I again snapped my hip out of place, again I was wanting to scream bloody murder and again walking was a pain literally. My back also hasn't been too keen on working properly with the extra baby weight pulling on it. Ugh! - Yet in the end its all worth it.

Every ache and pain, every nasty tired day and every "blah" emotional moment is worth the end result of seeing my little girl, touching my little girl and bringing her home. I am waiting so impatiently.

I guess that is all for today. Its horribly foggy outside so I am worried about Stas tonight. He works until 1AM. Those who read this keep his safe trip home tonight in your thoughts please.

Good Night!  

Going to See the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz

(The title has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post but couldn't think of a title.)

Went to the doctors and she is now at Station +2, I am dilated the same and its just a waiting game. As it has been so from the beginning but I now technically have a baby that is one week from or is considered full term (36-37wks) depending on the dates you go by. Which is wonderful. Let me make this clear, with all my complaints I am thrilled that she is where she is at in her gestational age. She is wonderfully healthy and its amazing how long I have been able to safely keep her in my womb growing as she has supposed to all along. Keep in mind this as I say:

"I AM SO READY FOR HER TO BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I am MISERABLE"

Yet I am truly blessed to have the healthy child I do and to have made it to this point in my pregnancy adventure. The alternative is so much scarier. The NICU and the health problems or even, god forbid, another death of one of my children those were my alternatives. Although all those listed above could happen due to unforeseen circumstances now they are so much less likely.

Thank you, irritable uterus that is only irritable and not out to devastate me.

Thank you, our healthy tough-cookie of a baby girl.

Thank you, supportive family and friends.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.

Thank you, wonderful partner of mine.

Thank you, lord above for all the above and more.

Now the next step is birth, lets get through that and this adventure will come to an end only for the next one to begin.

Lets get movin'!

*CRIES*

FACTS- All current facts are these: 5-5.5 cm Dilated, 80-85% Effaced, contractions 1-1.5min apart lasting anywhere between 1-2mins long, Station 0 and a bulging water bag (occasionally). He almost broke my water but expected it to happen by that evening, it didn't... that was Monday January Tenth (Through the Twelfth). 

Now its Wednesday and I am still pregnant, still contracting regularly, still miserable, no relief, no reprieve just at home. We are waiting for my water to break. I can't do this past 36 weeks. I won't. I am done, frustrated and exhausted. Talking to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what happens then.  

Squeezing

Whew....my tummy keeps squeezing! She isn't moving much but I still feel her hiccuping. I wonder how much longer I have left. A little nervous, always wishing for some absolute that I am going to do this right, and be strong enough. I think I know I will be but fear is fear. I feel a great deal of it may be just coming from the hormones that my body is generating stiring up all these emotions. Not to mention the stressful month we have been experiencing in general.

One Day At A Time! 

EDIT UPDATE -

Labor and Delivery last night/this morning contractions 1min to 1.5min gave me med s sent me home. I am progressing. Maybe a week from now at the most... we will see!

Yesterday & Comprehensive Update

Last night was a blast and I know something that won't happen for a while after Jaciel is born. Stas and I met up with Martin, Angie, Darrell, Rater, Regina, Daniel and Liz at Brew Bakers, which had the worst service on the planet but we had a blast. We then all headed back to Angie and Martin's house for some more hanging out. Needless to say we didn't get home until two in the morning nearly. (Confession: Brew Bakers stairs killed me, I did a little too much but sat my happy butt down and did nothing the entire time I was at the house.)

I have never been one under the impression that my adult life ENDS once a child is born. Really my fun continues but may be slightly tweaked. It really depends on what you consider fun. If you consider going out every weekend for the entire weekend to a club or wild party, then yeah your days of that is OVER! That thankfully isn't me. Ask any of my friends (the few I have) I am the boring, simple one. They love me! Anyhow I do know staying out until some god awful hour isn't going to happen often at all.

Don't misunderstand I am also not one under the impression that the weekend after Jaciel's grand entrance that I am going to be heading out to the nearest theme park for a romp. I know that she and I will not be parted for at least two months, I intend to breast feed with little to no pumping for the first four to eight weeks to establish a good milk supply. I also don't intend to do a great deal for the first eight weeks anyway. I'd like to bond with her, stir up some maternal instincts, get use to being a mother and get cozy with my lack of sleep.

The point of the last two paragraphs would be, well I guess they don't have a point. Stas and I really just enjoyed our outing and are glad we were invited.

I am honestly feeling very confident this week. Whether either ultra sound is correct that I am 27 or 26 weeks along I am confident that Jaciel will be just fine. I am also for some reason, which as I am sure I am mentioned before I am super in-tuned with my body unlike a lot of people. (Curse and a Blessing) I am of the belief deep down that Jaciel will be born soon after the removal of my cerclage as the doctor has guessed. I am actually not worried. Possibly I should be more concerned then I am but I am not.

The house is coming together, slowly but its happening. I need it to come together for my sanity. I do things here and there and Stas has been a great help. He loves both me and his little girl snuggled inside of me, thankfully that propels him to do things about the house and be a great emotional support. I am blessed. Its taken me some time to find some one like him.

I am excited to say my Baby Shower is coming up. December 5th @ 2pm I am going to be at my sisters house enjoying a yummy cake and I am sure lots of laughter. I am unaware if I am going to get many items but honestly I am not so worried about that either. People have worked with less then nothing and I know my family won't allow me to go without for our little girl.

I guess bottom line is I just am not worrying about much of anything. Its keeping me much more content and probably healthier. Although I have my moments where I am bombarded with thoughts about being a new mother to a very helpless wiggly little girl. It comes with its apprehensions as a big picture but I figure one day at a time. Right? The worst problem right now is the pain that goes along with her stretching and so fourth within my belly. I am not a very big person and I know she isn't a very big person right now either. However two not very big people, one housed within the other isn't always the most comfortable. It always seems like she knows where to hurt me most, ugh. However even with my complaints I am happy to just know that she is safe, healthy, and alive wiggling within my womb.

I don't understand how people can hate pregnancy so much. I have been reading a lot of articles trying to 'take it easy'. So many claim such horrors. When I feel that its difficult and some days I want to pull out my hair but it doesn't seem much different then any other part of living. Some days you just want to pull out your hair, some moments are more difficult then others, some nights sleep seems non-existent and last but not least some days you just want to curse the world. Pregnancy doesn't really seem to be much of a change from those same ol' motions. The new part is the happiness that comes over you even during the worst painful, stressful moments reminding you that inside you have a beating heart, a living being. With all my rambling it just comes down to I feel the unpleasantness is completely canceled out in the end by the fact I have a little person growing inside of my body, created by me (with some help of course), nurtured by me, protected by me who I love more then anything although I have never seen her. 

Happy!

I read this Article on TheFrisky.com the other day and I could help but laugh the entire time. Its called Girl Talk: Why the Third Trimester is the Best Trimester I am in complete total agreement with it. The first trimester is full of miscarriage worries, the ultimate forever long PMS and no one knows why because its just too early. The Second is all those little pains and aches but no one gives any sympathy because your just barely pregnant. You may feel your bean begin to move just to flip out when it stops being so irregular. Then the third happens. Yes its uncomfortable. Yes its tiring but you know what ... all that movement is a sure sign of healthy baby and no worries! I LOVE WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW. I finally feel less fat and just pregnant. I feel Jaciel move all the time. I much rather her stick her limbs in my ribs rather then down into my cervix but hey pain and all I know she is okay. Just think I am almost on my last three month stretch. I am loving it!

Crystal and Angie are coming over for Coffee this morning and I am going to toss together another batch of my bread. It was good and who can turn down warm bread and coffee, right?

Have a few things to do today. Bank, post office ... that kind of thing. I am in a fantastic mood and going to enjoy every second of it. I must be glowing with good mood vibes because when Stas walked in from taking Santi out for his walk all he wanted to do was come and give me a kiss. :)

I feel so loved, so happy and so ready to meet my little girl!

Dance for me baby!

I swear she is doing the jig inside my belly. I can watch my belly move as if an alien is inside of me trying to get out. I know it sounds weird, just imagine how if feels. Its just a crazy cool, not always the most comfortable sensation. It doesn't hurt, it looks like it should but not even a little. I believe it when they say she can hear whats about her because particular sounds make her move just a little more as does the time of day.

Truly amazing!

As for regular life, the house is slowly coming together. Santi is slowly getting use to the new surroundings. Its not like we made a huge move, literally on the opposite side of the building. With his difficulty adjusting you'd think we moved to a completely new COUNTRY. Lord help me, the owner of an uber sensitive puppy. Nova could care less, as long as she has food, her kitty tree and a window to smash her little kitty face into when she is on the hunt for flies or any other creature then she is a happy animal. Not so lucky with the dog.

Over all I am feeling good, I had a massive headache that is finally easing up and allowing me to not crave the action of sticking my head into the freezer for cryogenic-like safe keeping. They have to find the cure for Migraines sometime in the future. Right? Other then the regular pregnancy gripes, peeing all the time, not sleeping wonderfully... those kinds of things. Life is good!

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Ciao!  

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle at 7PM and join others in creating an endless wave of light for those little ones that didn't make it. House Resolution #222 was passed in the house of Representatives supporting the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 . This is a little known fact but one that should be widely known and participated in.

The loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or pregnancy complications such as Pre-term labor is a startlingly common event and an extremely painful one; it is a loss that most families deal with in silence. Little support is given although there are support groups but they aren't known about, not suggested as often as they should be majority of the time nor are enough of them around. The death of a baby especially in miscarriage is still a taboo subject either ignored due to fear of saying the wrong thing or sadly the loss is even chalked up to something so common that it is as if it's nothing. With words thought to comfort such as "It just wasn't meant to be" or "This was natures way of fixing a mistake." These aren't words that are helpful instead they are rather painful to hear. Nothing is worse then the inadequate feelings and the devastation that is experienced when a baby is lost and this is at any point in the development as well as following birth. Becoming a parent is scary enough and to feel like you have failed in some way is crushing.

I personally have experienced this crushing feeling of failure when it wasn't I who failed. The pain of it is overwhelming, luckily enough when losing my little girl last year in October her father, my wonderful partner, companion and best friend grieved along with me. Tears were shed, lots of communication took place and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself through the process of grief. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that support and I couldn't have imagined having to cremate our baby girl without him by my side. We were offered counseling and opted out of it however we had been glad that it was offered in the first place. We considered it and knew if ever either one of us wanted, felt we needed to go and speak to someone about our experience we could. That alone was a comfort. A comfort not everyone has the privilege to have placed before them.

We need to educate the public about pregnancy and infant loss so they can better respond with kindness and compassion. We need to encourage healthcare providers, hospitals, funeral directors and other employees to give out the books, pamphlets and information regarding support available. These professionals need to be better trained to comfort affected families in order to help along the necessary healing process. Burial helps with the closure needed to move through the painful process of grieving over a loss. Therefore they need to be aware of the rights that the families have available to them so they can properly inform.

Let us please raise awareness and promote openness, and compassion regarding the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death by recognizing this day of national remembrance remembering our babies.

Bedrest Day Three and Four

Yesterday, my wonderful Sunday. Its my favorite day of the week was blessed with two visitors. Crystal brought Noodle and sat with me for a while and Cassandra brought us dinner. We are both very grateful.

This morning Stas woke up and made me a teriffic breakfast, he is really improving his skills. We ate it while finishing a mini series that we stated last night called RiverWorld. One thing about bedrest is one really gets to catch up on their movie watching and missed TV productions. RiverWorld held my interest and provided an interesting concept. Oh we also viewed a little movie called NetherBeast Incorporated . It was an entertaining movie, made me laugh and was positively nothing that I'd typically watch. Again another fact about Bedrest, aside from catching up on things you may have missed while conducting your busy life you get to experience new and interesting things. :) The only type of movie that I doubt I'll agree to trying to watch is a Zombie Flick, which at this very moment Stas is enjoying his guilty pleasure of Zombie Film enjoyment. I just can't do it. I don't know why. Wait yes I do, they are pointless to me. Pointless, ugly and just plain blah. No judgment passed by me on those of you who 'Love' the Zombie genre I guess essentially its no worse then the Vampire genre.

Oh Netflix's how you've become such a close friend, I love you!

Whew, not the idea of 'Christina don't think too much' which is a habit I have had all my life and this habit is becoming more of an issue now that my brain is lacking stimulation. All I have been doing is thinking. Thinking of having a Babygirl and all the things that go with it. Granted I think I am beginning to become a bit more use to the idea. I really love the little outfits but then all things 'little' interest me. Yet my fears still haunt me and boy do they haunt me at my most vulnerable, during my dream state.

As my dear friend and confidant Greg has mentioned to me multiple times a parent never stops worrying. That apparently pertains to ones sleeping hours. This all seems so familiar to me, my worry regarding Jaciel's wellbeing is so similar to my worry regarding Angie and Crystal. The biggest difference is they are actually living life. Jaciel is still enjoying the safety and enjoyment of pummeling my innards with her miniature limbs. I guess that makes me a parent.

What makes someone a parent? Does giving birth to our other little girl make me a mother even know she had passed? Does being pregnant in the first place give you that title? Or is it like how I have always viewed it, as being the actions and unconditional love that you give in the role of 'mother'. Whether it be to a loved one that looks up to you or to your very own spawn. What means 'Mother'?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Its a subject and a question that I have always been curious about guessing its up to personal debate but now that I have all this time on my hands to think so much I guess its been ever more present in my thoughts. I wish someone could make sense of my quandary rather then tell me its only what I view that matters.

What is Motherhood?