I am a bit overwhelmed with things right now, life has always had this nifty ability to toss me something unexpected. Well this pregnancy like the others that preceded this is an unexpected gift of life and expression of love. This one however comes with even more apprehension then the rest. Losing a child early on in pregnancy is hard it comes with a strong grief, but for me it was a different grief then what happened in October of last year. Having to cremate my own child after birthing her was an experience that has scared me worst then the rest. Although I seem okay, as I have since its taken place and I am okay, per-say. However the distance I feel with this pregnancy is ever more present. I am happy but I don't feel completely secure in that happiness. I feel more confident but even that confidence comes with a very loudly colored BUT, a 'BUT' that is in bold letters painted in bright orange, loud tropical red and very blindingly sunny yellow; therefore it makes sure its presence isn't forgotten. Let me make it clear to that loudly written 'BUT', "You won't be forgotten I could see you from the other side of the planet if it was necessary".
I am glad that those that love me are worried and excited. However with the distance that I am conscientiously in some ways and unconsciously in other aspects keeping from this makes everyone elses' joy and worry almost smothering. I am moody as can be and yes its the joys of pregnancy but it also is the curse of grief hanging over my head. The last few years have been sprinkled with a very vibrant mix of confetti. I left my husband and started new, found out my father was dying, dealt with the family dynamics of that, found myself in a new relationship became 'with' child and then had to say a very abrupt goodbye to that same child. My fathers struggle came to a not so calm end, the family dynamics came to a eventful as expected climax, I became ill, moved and to put a nice shiny red cherry on top I find that yet again I am with child. Happy, sad, shocked, fearful and confused are at the forefront. I am at the front lines in this battle titled life as we all are and right now, its raging with things very much so out of my range of control.
I have come to find out grief never really leaves, or is ultimately finished. Its more like the sour aftertaste that lasts throughout the day following a mistaken swig of expired milk. That taste that may in reality have been masked or even washed away with toothpaste and various tasty foods. Yet every time to even recollect that you accidentally tasted that expired milk the taste you initial experienced is ever present in your mouth. I wasn't sure how I originally grieved over my child but I guess I did it my way the only way I know how to do it which is to make it all make some kind of rational sense. That sounds cold and distant but its me. With my father I went about it all the same way. Occasionally when my guard is down the irrational but normal feelings of grief rear its ugly but necessary heads. I face it with a fighting resistance before surrendering to the inevitable. Which I have come to peace with the reality I will be doing this dance with me, myself and I for the rest of my living days. A lifelong battle, with no winner and no loser. I find this a little tiring even to admit. Nevertheless waving that white flag voluntarily surrendering doesn't seem to be an option therefore I battle on. I am not sure if this war I fight within is my way of self punishment, an absurd source of protection or a way to assert control, maybe its all of the above. It doesn't seem to injure me its almost comforting knowing I have this routine with myself. I learn something knew about the way I process things every time my emotions and I scrimmage. That being said possibly this is just my way of exploring myself.
As per usual I don't have a goal or a point to make via these ramblings. I just have a great deal going on within myself and its plain out overwhelming.