This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lovin' This

The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.

I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.

Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.

Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.

Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.

I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.

A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The End of One Adventure and the Beginning of Another

I am sitting here staring at the little gymnast that use to live inside my belly. The same one that use to kick and move non-stop, the miniature being that grew within my womb for nine months. Its an amazing feeling to see how such a physical act introducing two very different biological parts of the human race can grow into this tiny person.

I remember the first ultrasound and the picture isn't much of a dot. A grain of rice they say is what the actual size of your little bean at that stage, right?

My little bean sprouted, grew and developed into a little girl with dark curly hair, a tiny ball tipped nose, teeny thin lips, natural-tan airbrushed skin with rose-y cheeks and a touch of yellow, Dark Blue eyes (hope they don't change), long piano finger and long monkey toes. She has squeals resembling a cute piglet , cries that are one of a kind, she squeaks similar to a squeaky toy and makes all these other sounds. She is so lifelike and a beautiful example of perfection (in a parents eyes of course). She is the perfect combination of Stas and I and she started out as two biological substances that met, cells multiplied and just kept multiplying...boom she was created. Again, I continue to stare at her and am just amazed. I think that is one of the first gifts of parenthood, the sheer amazement of it all that is greater then any other amazement that could be experienced.

Her entrance into this world as we all know didn't go totally smoothly. Early labor lasted far longer then it does in most people, an entire month of regular contractions that refused to go away. The discomfort of getting my cerclage put in, needlessly stretched and nearly ripped then the early removal. The multiple hospitalizations, early delivery scares and over all frustration made the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy less then desirable. Yet if you could see past my complaints and my eventual anti-social behavior at the end I was glad she was so healthy, moved so much and showed no signs of any actual distress. The only one distressed was me! 

Her actual coming into the world was however quick, not painless by any means but very quick. Active labor was only about three hours. The 5 or 6 pushes that followed were for obvious reasons intense but quick. I doubted my ability prior to the experience, I doubted my ability during the experience but thankfully were surrounded by a wonderful staff, my wonderful Stas and the delivery was attended by a very good, supportive doctor. I felt the entire experience and I am glad I did. The pain and pressure is a different kind of intense the sheer feeling of accomplishment is one of a kind and the product of it all is such an amazing creature. I tore due to her broad shoulders but it was only a category 2 which is super mild compared to the other alternatives although not being torn at all would have been ideal. Yet, its me and since when do I get to experience ideal. I wouldn't say that delivering a baby is easy at all but worth the experience if the health of those involved allow.

Now she is here.

I am lucky to say my recovery seems to be going quickly. She has a clean bill of health and while I am a bit anemic, I am actually doing great. My milk came in on day three and she is nursing like a pro, I consistently cringe for the first sixty or so seconds of every session (every two hours or so) but otherwise nursing is going smoothly. She gets tons of milk which makes me happy because it will help her grow strong and healthy. After each feeding she goes into what I call a Mama's Milk induced coma, giving me time to either get something completed, such as this blog or catch up on some Zzzz's myself. Although at night she sleeps pretty solidly, feeds quickly and instantly goes back to her slumber. I am not complaining, not one ill word about this so far. Papa (Stas) helps every chance he gets, he is already wrapped tightly around her little piano fingers. Which I love, its so fantastic to see her pull at his heart strings with such ease and she can't even talk yet. Once she can talk its all over for him and he won't even see it coming, while I sit back and enjoy the show. (Giggle)

The adventures to follow are going to be interesting, and I am sure they will have serious frustrations but I don't care. I think this is ... no, allow me to correct that before I complete my sentence. I KNOW this is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest responsibility and I love it.

My blogs will continue to document the journey ahead of us. Stay tuned!   

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Business of Being Born - Documentary

Everyone should watch this documentary. It was fantastic, informative and in some ways I guess could strike some as shocking. I am emotional so the fact that some of it made me cry isn't exactly news but it did. Having a baby is emotional, being pregnant is an emotional experience it all is. Not only for the Mama but for the Papa to, no one ever talks about that part but there is a great deal that no one ever talks about whether it be good, bad or indifferent. - Just watch it! :)

Last night I had a baby melt down! An "OMG She will be here and I am going to do it all wrong." kind of melt down. Stas looked at me with a grin trying to soothe me but at the same time being entertained by my emotional flip out. Its not something I do very often and he thinks its so cute, while I think its so pathetic. I said that she should stay where she is at, in my belly where its safe because what if I can't protect her from anything and everything. Then I stopped in my tracks, saying very forcefully "I am NOT staying pregnant forever." followed by laughing. Right now I feel like I am going to be pregnant until the end of time but she eventually is going to have to make her debut. Apparently she has decided that full term, is the way to go, all the way or nothing at all. Which is good of course. Besides after a while you kind of get use to being miserable.

I am nesting a bit, and then I feel bad because I get too exhausted to complete anything. Really whew I want to get this stuff done. I have to but with the extra weight on my body and the other wonderful hormones that loosen joints making everything all stretchy is making my injuries and so one flare up more then ever before. I again snapped my hip out of place, again I was wanting to scream bloody murder and again walking was a pain literally. My back also hasn't been too keen on working properly with the extra baby weight pulling on it. Ugh! - Yet in the end its all worth it.

Every ache and pain, every nasty tired day and every "blah" emotional moment is worth the end result of seeing my little girl, touching my little girl and bringing her home. I am waiting so impatiently.

I guess that is all for today. Its horribly foggy outside so I am worried about Stas tonight. He works until 1AM. Those who read this keep his safe trip home tonight in your thoughts please.

Good Night!  

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Going to See the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz

(The title has nothing to do with the subject of this blog post but couldn't think of a title.)

Went to the doctors and she is now at Station +2, I am dilated the same and its just a waiting game. As it has been so from the beginning but I now technically have a baby that is one week from or is considered full term (36-37wks) depending on the dates you go by. Which is wonderful. Let me make this clear, with all my complaints I am thrilled that she is where she is at in her gestational age. She is wonderfully healthy and its amazing how long I have been able to safely keep her in my womb growing as she has supposed to all along. Keep in mind this as I say:



Yet I am truly blessed to have the healthy child I do and to have made it to this point in my pregnancy adventure. The alternative is so much scarier. The NICU and the health problems or even, god forbid, another death of one of my children those were my alternatives. Although all those listed above could happen due to unforeseen circumstances now they are so much less likely.

Thank you, irritable uterus that is only irritable and not out to devastate me.
Thank you, our healthy tough-cookie of a baby girl.
Thank you, supportive family and friends.
Thank you, supportive and experienced doctor of mine.
Thank you, wonderful partner of mine.

Thank you, lord above for all the above and more.
Now the next step is birth, lets get through that and this adventure will come to an end only for the next one to begin.

Lets get movin'!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. However I started this leaky faucet thing and then I really haven't been to urinate all day or yesterday either to be honest without pain or sometimes at all due to the baby pressure (I think). I don't want to go into L&D. I see him tomorrow damn it.
However from what I understand if I am leaking fluid then I could get an infection so I think I have to go in, its the RIGHT thing to do.
Waiting on Doctors call back. I feel so stupid!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Another Day...

Well I think I may have dilated a bit more due to the increase in pressure, her dropping and the contractions but I am just not ready to be put back in the hospital for any length of time at this moment. Therefore I haven't gone in to get re-checked just yet. I am waiting it out.
Today I was getting out of bed and had to flip from my left to my right side but did it in such a way that I felt my hip pop out of place. Oh the pain! Its back in but now I am so severely sore that I want to cry, not to mention my back isn't feeling the greatest. Between contractions, hip pain and back discomfort I swear today just sucks. I am tired but not sleepy, my body hurts and I am irritable. People beware. LOL
Tomorrow will be better I hope. My hip will calm down and hopefully the rest of my aches and pains won't seem so overwhelming. I know its just lack of good sleep and being in the current situation I am in with this pregnancy. (Refer to link above for last official update on my current stats)
Tonight Stas works until 1AM and I am not exactly ecstatic but work is work. We are low on gas but we'll survive. He took a co-worker, his boss to be specific, home the other day. Home was in Hanford. We didn't have the money to do this but hey whats done is done. I was more worried about him getting lost. He nearly did. He ended up in Tulare off of 99. Let me point out it was far after midnight. Crazy Man, love him... but he still is a nut sometimes.
I went to Cassie's house yesterday and enjoyed some laughs which was wonderful and a much needed event. :) She took this wonderful photo of Stas and I. I am So Pregnant. LOL

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


FACTS- All current facts are these: 5-5.5 cm Dilated, 80-85% Effaced, contractions 1-1.5min apart lasting anywhere between 1-2mins long, Station 0 and a bulging water bag (occasionally). He almost broke my water but expected it to happen by that evening, it didn't... that was Monday January Tenth (Through the Twelfth). 

Now its Wednesday and I am still pregnant, still contracting regularly, still miserable, no relief, no reprieve just at home. We are waiting for my water to break. I can't do this past 36 weeks. I won't. I am done, frustrated and exhausted. Talking to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what happens then.  

Friday, January 7, 2011


Whew....my tummy keeps squeezing! She isn't moving much but I still feel her hiccuping. I wonder how much longer I have left. A little nervous, always wishing for some absolute that I am going to do this right, and be strong enough. I think I know I will be but fear is fear. I feel a great deal of it may be just coming from the hormones that my body is generating stiring up all these emotions. Not to mention the stressful month we have been experiencing in general.

One Day At A Time! 

Labor and Delivery last night/this morning contractions 1min to 1.5min gave me med s sent me home. I am progressing. Maybe a week from now at the most... we will see!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"
Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.