This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I can't believe I have neglected posting on here for two months. Hmmm.... Jaciel is now six months old and two days. It seems so unbelievable that its been six whole months since the first time I held her, kissed her and saw her beautiful tiny face. Now she has grown beyond the small six pound fifteen ounce mini being into a fifteen pound, twenty-five inches long infant. She has such a personality, stealing the hearts of those that gaze upon her. Ha, then again I think all baby's have that innate ability to steal the hearts of the onlookers. I know my heart strings get tugged each time I see the tiny little features, miniature hands and feet of a baby.

I am so glad that she is oblivious to the latest happenings. I am so thankful for her inability to understand loss, illness and worry. I know that means she is yet to discover the ability to love and care. However right now all she needs is the understanding of is the need for security, sustenance, comfort, rest and all those basic needs. Which from her smiles, giggles, and happy babbles I think her needs are satisfied and I feel blessed to be able to meet those needs.

The reason I say this is well lately illness has struck close to home and death struck close to home recently as well. Worry and concern for ones that we love are such constant thoughts at the moment. Its amazing how at one time we wanted for nothing, we just depended on our care giver to give care. Not a tear for sadness touched our face, maybe tears calling out alarm and communication but never sadness or worry. Those were the days, too bad non of us remember that peace of mind. Sleep as often as we like, eat when we desire, be held or not as much as out little hearts content and of course play without a care in the world sheltered by the innocence of childhood. This phase doesn't last long, some are lucky to bask in this safety longer then others but I am beginning to think it is never nearly long enough.

Jaciel has advanced to solid food and hasn't turned down a single offer of yumminess. She has graduated to her own room and her crib. She has always slept solo but in the same room as us, now she has moved on to bigger and better shows of independence. As much as I'd like to preserve the innocence, the childhood that I spoke of above it doesn't feel like this current world is safe enough to draw out the simplicity of only focusing on basic needs and dependance on those needs being provided without question. Sadly, too quickly now days the real world is placed in front of you offering so many options before many are ready to understand exactly what is being offered. I can't afford for her to not cultivate that independence needed to feel safety even apart from me. I know having her sleep in her own room isn't a huge step but I think its step closer to being able to soothe herself and still know I will come running if she truly needs me. Maybe its not the right way but I don't know how to lead her down a path that will create a strong character. I do the best I can. I just hope I am not doing it all wrong. Not a day goes by that I doubt myself. Then again not a day goes by that I don't think of how much I want her to grow into a well rounded, independent woman one day. I don't want to hold on too tightly to these lovely cuddle stages for my convenience and happiness. Having a child is so much more ... its just so much more!

Its coming about that Jaciel might have a fairly common skin problem. As common as it may be I am unaware of how to work with it. Thankfully I have two very wonderful people in my life that never hesitate to help me. Angie and Crystal are a constant in my life and boy am I grateful for them. Angie being a sufferer of Eczema has been my go-to girl during this discovery. I just want to say that I am blessed not only with a beautiful little girl, a superb father for her and support for me but also a one of a kind wonderful support system who love our little girl so very much.

We should be moving soon. A wonderfully old three bedroom two and a half bathroom house is going to be our new home come September. This home isn't only in the same town but the same street as we currently live on. I know that this area isn't the favorite of some of our friends but really its not so bad or so dangerous that we feel the need to move out of the neighborhood just out of these apartments. The new lease is already signed and the notice has already been given to the current landlord. I am excited to finally have a yard, a large kitchen and well a HOUSE! I miss having a house. I have so many ideas on how I want it all to work, and be set up. Lets see how it all works.

Other then the basic mundane duties of living life and the stressors mentioned above, which kind of just goes with living life. Nothing exciting or really note worthy has taken place.

I hope that it doesn't take me another two months to update this blog. Also I hope to announce a happy outcome for those that I am currently worried about. As for right now I am going to continue to enjoy my beautiful baby girl and relish in every milestone reached, each sing song babble, every wonderful smile and unbridled giggle. Until next time....

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Posting Pictures and Video's

I just posted a bunch of new pictures and video's on Facebook. I can't believe how much she has grown compared to the video's and pictures to now. Look....

Tiny, compared to sitting up and being more alert and talkative then ever.
Look at this Video, its my favorite.

Its just too cute. She is, just so amazing. Today in the car she sat in her snug car-seat and proceeded to tell me just how tired she was. Not with cries and of course not with actual words but with ever conversational coo possible. Her facial expressions are that of an adult. So contemplative and intense. I've been told that is a sign that she is going to be a bright one. I wouldn't doubt it. Not because, or at least not just because she is my child but no baby looks like they are trying to figure out the weight of the world like she does with that face. Its almost, weird. Yet I love it. Hell maybe she will be your everyday typical person with nothing intellectually special about her, but she will be special due to that unique personality. Or maybe she will be a genius, unlike her humble parents. *SHRUG* who knows. Yet right now looking at how expressive she can be already I know for a fact I am going to have my hands full as she grows. I can see the teenage issues already LOL. - I am looking forward to every minute of it, and every second leading up to it. - I love my baby girl so much and her Papa loves her even more. Which I love that he loves her the way he does. Its amazing. This is how its suppose to be.

Monday, May 2, 2011


...how many times has he died.... my daughter still isn't safe. One terrorist dead. good! Sadly I don't think it will stop things... I just want for peaceful times. Which in times where money is more vital then wealth then times won't improve.

Late Night

.... yeah so diapers had to be done. However that isn't what made my late night.
I want to help a friend. She is going through tough times. I understand those times more then she can even imagine. Its different but its hard. The emotions are the same, angry, hurt, apologetic, confused. Then wondering why apologetic even comes into play. Its just so much. Its.... life. Nothing is easy. My life isn't totaly perfect but no ones is. This is as happy as I've ever been. My daughter is a great deal of it. However I have something else. We have our issues. MAJOR ones but its nothing that can't be compromised with time. I am willing to wait. I am willing to try. I have what I want and need. Compromise isn't too hard to do..... I am picky and I will be as I look at him. He has asked many times. Will I agree?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Hot Kitchen... whew!

Well well... I guess I am starting to get back into my groove. I can't say I was totally removed from doing my thing but it took me a minute to get motivated to make advanced meals and actually look at my house and say to myself, "I need to get this crap together." then actually begin doing it. With any big change in ones lifestyle things get thrown of kilter. I am starting to bring things back together, slowly.

Jaciel is napping so sweetly in her swing. The kind of sleep a little one gets is one of a kind. I yearn for the total relaxed slumber. If dreams are had, they must be good ones because all I ever see is smiles while her sleepy body rests up for the next part of her day in this crazy over stimulated environment she is learning about. I couldn't imagine remembering how it felt to be exposed to the wild, interesting world that is around me now and seems so mundane even depressing at times. Yet when its all new it must be amazing. She smiles, and talks so much. The only worry she has isn't even a worry its a given in her mind. To be fed and clean with no doubt that those two demands will be met with soft words and quick hands. Amazed, why can't we remember these peaceful moments before life became filled with responsibilities and demands that aren't met with smiles if met at all.

I thought by now that this experience would become less wonderful. Heck with all the things people say about how hard it is, how little sleep you get and all that jazz I figured by now I would be lying on the floor wishing for a clone of myself. Yet instead I am still happy, and amazed every time I look into her beautiful face. I still tear up a little sometimes at her very existence and the adventures that we experienced together bringing her into being. Last but not least when someone tells me they are pregnant or they are going to see the first Ultrasound, hear the baby's heart going thump thump for the first time. I still feel the lump in my throat, the swelling of tears in my eyes and that unmistakable pressure in my chest that all goes along with a happy cry. I will never forget the intense feelings that came with ever doctors appointment. You'd think I'd be done with all that jazz by now. I'm not and I hope that I never lose that amazement.

Yesterday Jaciel made did it, she finally took a whole bottle from me. I am so happy. Yay!!! Then today she found her feet. She's developing so quickly.

Hope everyone enjoys there weekend. I know I will.

Monday, April 25, 2011

May is just around the corner!

Really? "May" can't already be arriving. What happened to February and March? I remember April but its a blur. -HAHA- My life is so full and busy. Bad days, Good days, Even better days... then some okay days in there to. The joy that is present with a little one in your life is no lie, its not something that I feel obligated to say. Its the truth. However I'd be lying if I didn't admit to some frustrating days and inconvenient duties of motherhood.

She is getting so big, she is twice as alert as she use to be. Its wonderful and going a little to fast but still wonderful. The last weigh in has her at a healthy 11lbs and 22.5in in length. Yay. The doctor claims she is advanced in her development, much like I was when I was a mini one. Apparently it runs in the genes. That just means that I am going to have my hands full sooner rather then later. Not that they aren't already full.

Her resemblance to her Papa and his family is unmistakeable she doesn't look anything like me any longer. Although I am not complaining. I think she is beautiful, then again I am her mother. It would be a crime for me to think she is anything but beautiful.

Jaciel has filled my life with dirty dipes, hours of nursing, endless laundry and its all well worth my time, I am reminded by the countless smiles. She smiles all the time, when she wakes, she smiles while she is nursing, she smiles as I rock her to sleep... she still even grins while she is asleep. Therefore all that work is paid for in smiles, which makes me smile. I love being a mother. 

April was a difficult month to be honest. On April 15th my Father had been gone a year. A year seems to pass by so quickly. He is missing so much. I can't help but feel its mostly due to his own doing. Your life choices NOW totally affect your children's lives later including but not limited to the family they create. Hello People, don't be selfish. Please.

Also this month a close friend of mine was gravely pained by someone she trusted. That hurts me to. That pain of betrayal is excruciating, unforgettable and majority of the time unforgivable. However she is a strong woman and I know she will be A-okay as time moves on.

I started a quasi-job. I'll tell you more about that later. Lets just saying its doing something I love. :)

My Grandmother has been hospitalized which is disturbing especially since I can't just hop in a car and go!

Monday, February 28, 2011

It's already March?

Time sure does fly with broken up sleep, early mornings wake ups and late morning starts. I think I get the swing of things and Jaciel gives me a new time set to work with. I know she isn't like me and a planner on the other hand she is like me and a "want it right now" kind of gal! I think I might just encourage that. With a little development and direction a demanding persona is useful.  Wait... that could indeed backfire on me in a big way. <Giggle>

Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.

I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.

The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.

Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.

On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.

I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.

Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality. 

I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.

I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!

In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!

Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.

Until next time.....