This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Monday, February 28, 2011

It's already March?

Time sure does fly with broken up sleep, early mornings wake ups and late morning starts. I think I get the swing of things and Jaciel gives me a new time set to work with. I know she isn't like me and a planner on the other hand she is like me and a "want it right now" kind of gal! I think I might just encourage that. With a little development and direction a demanding persona is useful.  Wait... that could indeed backfire on me in a big way. <Giggle>

Jaciel has made some visual growth, she has one long torso but its looking like she is cursed with my sides short legs. I hope and pray it all evens out in the end. She doesn't want to be cursed with 'no leg' syndrome and have the thicker ankles. Then again I'd rather her not have the chicken legs that I have seen on some. I am not sure which is the worse of the two evils. We shall see, I think its fun to speculate.

I put her in the bouncy/vibrating chair today with the toys that hang down. She started to play with the toys now. I am so thrilled. Her eyesight is improving and she is beginning to create more sounds. All these new developments make me smile from ear to ear. Then again its a whole new world that I am going to have to protect her from. Soon she isn't going to be spending so much time safely sleeping in her bassinet. So exciting and so nerve wrecking at the same time. I am focusing on the excitement.

The other day we did notice a few interesting things. She looks a great deal like Stas' father Nikolay which is neat. However those cheeks and that little bolita of a nose is all me. The two very attributes that I have mixed feeling about on my own face. Yet looking at her tiny face they are so adorable.

Her eyes are now producing tears when she cries, which makes baby cries even more heart wrenching. Although they aren't normally that severe of a motive causing them. Also what was interesting was after she cried a little bit her eyes changed colors, to an near teal (Greenish/Blue) then once she was happy again (she wanted food and Mama wasn't stripping fast enough. LOL) they returned to the normal Blue/Gray that they were. Makes me wonder if her eyes are going to change with her moods like mine. That is going to work out to my advantage. Its hard to keep secrets when your eyes give you away. I know from experience.

On the non-baby homefront, our water heater was busted for a few days. Thankfully between my Cousin Lucia, my Mother and my Sister Crystal showers were available however the amount of gasoline that was used this month was way over the top. We still don't have a fully functioning heater. Which is suppose to be in the works I am going to make a phone call tomorrow regarding it.

I also received the paperwork for my divorce. Now I am have to turn it all in Wednesday and wait until the courthouse sends out the final paperwork that has the words claiming our dissolution of marriage is complete. Then off to the next steps including putting Stassie's name on Jaciel Birth Record.

Speaking of Birth Record, I received her social security number a few weeks ago. For some reason that was a weird feeling. She is numbered now, accounted for and not only mine. It feels like the state/country has a say now. I guess I don't like being numbered. Humph, I know weird. I never claimed normality. 

I was also blessed with a few more cloth diapers from friendly people that wanted to help since we aren't the richest at the moment.

I can't wait until warmer weather is upon us and going outside isn't so hit and miss. One minute its cold, so cold that the frost takes until mid morning to melt away then the next its warm and sunny feeling much like spring. Obviously I enjoy the spring air, its just time!

In the last few days is that I was blessed with a long update filled phone conversation from our friend Diana. It was much needed, so much has taken place since the last time we had spoken. With another friend there was a bit of an upset but it is being worked through. Strong friendships full of communication, forgiveness, understanding and lots of Give And Take last!

Stas is at work and Jaciel is needing to eat soon. Therefore its time for me to get my lazy behind off of this computer for a time.

Until next time.....

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Two things, Tuesday is Stas' and my two year anniversary and Thursday Jaciel will be a whole month old.

Lets start with Tuesday .... I know two years isn't a long time but its still an accomplishment. Stas and I have had a rough time of it starting out. Especially since initially I wasn't interested in starting anything, much less starting a relationship. I wanted what I wanted, which was freedom. I wanted to find someone that was responsible, desired to actually settle down and not only made his own decisions but made decisions to begin with. A list was created way before I met Stas. This itemized list dictated in complete clarity what I wanted and what I wasn't willing to give on. I looked at Stas, after making him squirm for my entertainment and thought to myself "Him, nah. He is too young emotionally, too inexperienced in life, too much into his recreational activities, just...too young. He is a guy and guys don't become Mature at forty much less twenty-four years old." He however made a liar out of me, I took a chance by dating him, kept myself relatively emotionally distant. No "I love you's" passed through these lips, not that they didn't pass through his. Then we got pregnant, I didn't want to stay in San Francisco and raise a baby and he wanted EVERYTHING to do with her. Then she died, he still wanted EVERYTHING to do with me. We communicated, created a tremendously strong bond. In the face of turmoil we triumphed. We didn't break or crumble we fortified. I was amazed, still am every time I think back on it all.

Here we are now, nearly two years later. We have a beautiful little girl, we have an apartment that we work hard to keep. We made it through that raging fire filled with emotions with losing our first daughter, he held me together as I went through the stations of grief for not only our child but soon after my Father, he made it through moving far away from all he's known and finding a job to keep us afloat. Last but surely not least we survived the crazy fear infused creation of Jaciel. I didn't think he could handle moving so far away from his family (Therefore I didn't ask him to come along. He told me he was, I didn't really have a say.), nor did I think we'd be able to survive the pregnancy and birth of Jaciel after such a fresh wound. I didn't realize how much he wanted a family, how wonderful of a Father he could be and how much happiness I could feel. Every step of the way Stas has proven me wrong, showed me how I misjudged him and given me reason to believe he is just an all around wonderful man, rather then the boy I assumed he was.

Jaciel is going to be a month old Thursday. I can't imagine that only a month ago I delivered her, that only a month ago I met her for the very first time. She has been great, and the most precious gift I have ever received.
She currently is experiencing a growth spurt, I think. Due to the sleepless mornings where she has the urge to eat for four hours straight. Being that the only problem I've experienced so far, I feel super lucky! She already seems like she has gotten so much longer. Her face is changing and new features are emerging everyday. I am so thrilled, yet saddened by the speed it all takes place in. Not nearly enough time to enjoy it all to the fullest.

This week is a big week! I feel like time just flew by without me even noticing.    

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Baby Sleepin';I should be cleaning!

Well...well can you believe its already one week into February of 2011? I am still trying to get use to the idea that is 2011. Then January passed by in a blur, I normally write an end of year email or something. This year I got lost in the busy everyday life of me, the shuffle of pregnancy, impending motherhood then bam labor, delivery and actual mommy-hood. End of year post was the last thing on my mind. I think in January the only thing that was on my mind was "How do I get this baby born?" "What herbal, old wise tales can I attempt?" followed by a lot of 'Nah' replies to my options due to the dangers involved. Therefore in the end truly I didn't do anything but walk and maybe did a little 'special dance' or two.

I had my appointment at the family-law office January 31st and finished off the judgment papers, now my next step was to send them to Phillip. Then a really big pebble that resembled more of a giant boulder got thrown into the mix. I couldn't pay my rent. Then the boulder like pebble began to look like a insurmountable mountain range. I couldn't pay my rent, my phone finally found its means to an end by taking the long walk to the celly graveyard and I have a newborn to keep a roof over. Slowly the insurmountable mountain range decreased back to a boulder then all the way down to the little annoying pebble easily kicked to the wayside. Rent my friends is paid, still no phone but eh.. that isn't a big deal to me.

Rent isn't only paid but my divorce papers have been sent off to Phillip for him to sign, send back to me and I file. By March I may be losing my beautiful health insurance but gaining my final freedom from a not so great situation. Not to mention I will be able to finally put Stas' name on the birth record rather then just his ethnic background, education, place of birth and birth date. That is important to me. My baby girl has a father and a very loving one who is here for her. I want his name on that piece of paper. I need to be patient and I am lousy at it. LOL.

Jaciel is opening her eyes more and she has a new vehicle thanks to her Grandparents (Stas' Mom & Dad)... check this out....
I love this Stroller!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

10 Days Old

Jaciel is ten days old and is now 7lbs 7.5oz. I can't believe how fast she is already growing so fast.

Its already too fast for me, lol. I am patiently waiting for her to be able to fit in 0-3 mo. clothing. Right now she still only fitting in Newborn clothing therefore she doesn't have many options.

This is just a short note making sure I announce the biggest change in her development. Oh yeah, aside from the weight she is also keeping her eyes open for longer amounts of time, exploring the world around her albeit fuzzy since she is still learning to focus. I think its so neat. Jaciel isn't even two whole weeks old and I can already see how newborn-hood is slipping away.

Its so fascinating!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Whatever Will Be, Will Be....

Whatever will be, will be and I will go with the flow. I will reign victor over my challenges and Queen of my destiny. I will support, love and take care of our daughter to the best of my ability doing whatever is necessary to do so. That all being said, Phillip, my ex is an ass! Last month I was unable to pay my rent due to the TAX man taking his funds which I can understand, the government isn't one that really thinks highly of forewarning anyone prior to taking what they think rightfully belongs to them. I reacted with understanding although I was stressed to the max with no obvious options.

This time he is just being an Ass! We agreed a while back that he was to provide me with the funds that the military makes him provide until March, making this month being the last month I get anything from him. Now mind you technically he is obligated to provide me with housing allowance. Yet this is prior to me telling him about Jaciel's pending debut into the world. He wasn't aware I was pregnant. That fact alone gives him the right to pull the money. However he still agreed to the deal which gave me time to get awarded assistance for her existence. Now suddenly after not giving me anything last month for a valid reason he tells me he doesn't have anything to give me because he has been moved off post. I would be happy with a little bit of money. Enough to cover rent. Anything. Instead I get brushed off, I am pissed. I am stressed. I am scared. This home, this roof over our heads now not only houses us being Stas and I. It also houses an innocent small and needy newborn baby. We can't be homeless. Its not an option.

To be non-stressed and non-panicked seems to be an impossibility but it has to be possible for the sake of Jaciel. Just like Stas and I have to figure out something for the sake of Jaciel. If I gaze upon her I can't help but smile. I can't help but feel a grin spread across my face. She is just too perfect to frown at.

With all that being said, whatever will be, will be and I will triumph for my daughter. My strength and motivation lays a few feet from my person, smells sweet as babies do, and depends on me to provide. Provide I will!!!