This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

What a weekend!

Confession, I have been doing a lot more then I probably should be the last few days. Things have to get done, thankfully I sit and lay down when I need to and napped a few times. Moving a house, even a house with few things in two days is no easy feat. Thankfully Martin and Angie helped us with the larger items. Yet today, the day we are suppose to be all finished, its 9:23 and Stas still hasn't wiped down the apartment. I want to go over there and do some intensive work but I can't. I am hardly allowed to do anything really. Stas is so exhausted. Working until morning after working all day here trying to move things on Saturday and then this morning getting up after working until 1am. Its just so much. Poor Stas!

Thankfully we are almost finished then it will be the slow set up of this place. Which doesn't have a time frame to be done in besides when its done! Whew I can't wait until this night is over!!!!!

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Its been a few days since I have updated this lovely blog. Baby and I are doing well, my only current dilemma right this second is I am hungry for something but am clueless on what that SOMETHING is.

I realized that my third trimester will be starting very soon, meaning... guess what... I am having a baby soon. HA! What a realization as she catapults her right leg into my pelvis. HAHA. Yeah Yeah I know you'd think I would have this realization a while ago. Truth is, I have. Then I had it again about the time she began to kick me. Then yet again around now. I am sure I will have another dose of 'OMG I AM HAVING A BABY' about the moment I go into labor.

Don't worry, none of my 'OMG' moments are really freaking out with an anxiety moments, although I think my sister thinks they may be with the way she reply's to my comments. They are hard to explain. In the mix of everything, the doctors appointments, the kicks, the cravings the contractions that aren't suppose to be there, the bed-rest or couch rest I forget that in the end, there is an end and when it comes I am going to be holding onto the same being that has been kicking my insides and residing in my belly for the last nine or so months. Which is exciting and thrilling. Of course like any other soon to be parents we want to be ready, at least product wise, set up because being actually READY isn't possible. Its a play it by ear kind of thing. Especially with my body and our baby girl.

Well ... well I should be getting these address' together like I am suppose to. When any one of you find that PAUSE button we are all on a perpetual search for, the one that pauses life just long enough for you to get your bearings and maybe some perspective, CALL ME!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Another Year Older...

As I have mentioned on Facebook this morning my mother is turning another year older. When did that happen I think to myself. Then I remember "oh yeah about the same time I turned twenty-six she was on her way to fifty-three. Now she is going to be heading to fifty-four and I... am going to be edging closer to twenty-seven ALREADY."

The years go by and creep up on you even when your not looking. Its not a bad thing matter of fact I see it as a blessing. My father can't have another year, even if it is half due to his own devices. My baby-girl can't ever turn a year old. Nor can all the others we've lost in recent and past years. They are perpetually the age they were when they perished. No feeling that back ache from when you were twenty-one and had been not paying attention to what you were doing, then dumb enough to ignore it until it became more of a problem. Your reasoning being "I'm young it will go away." it doesn't go away but hey just think that ache you feel makes you remember how invincible you once felt. That untouchable youthfulness flowing strongly in your veins and how thrilling yet how disastrous it once was. Those aches and pains allow you the pleasure of looking back remembering what you learned and what you MUST pass on.

I think age is a beautiful thing, it can be frustrating at times and can add some visual character changes that aren't always welcomed but none of it is less then WELL earned.

I am glad my mother has the chance to turn fifty-three, the chance to be here with me and share this pregnancy with me. I am thrilled to know she is going to be here when Jaciel is born and see her granddaughter, enjoy the new life that has been created.

This is to my Mommy, Leonor Castorena, and her accomplishment of surviving a beautiful fifty-three years, raising a very self-sufficient daughter and being able to welcome a extremely loved granddaughter into this crazy chaotic world.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Movies, Pogo and Snacks

Today I spent my afternoon watching movies, munching on Oranges and playing Qwerty. I think I might spend my evening the same way. Netflix happens to be my best friend along with Pogo. Both sites have been a life saver for me. Today I have seen Memory and Legion I haven't decided what movie is to come next. Thinking a foreign film. Possibly French or Russian or better yet, a Korean Horror Flick. Stas works until one in the morning so I have all the time in the world.

Pogo, my friendly gaming site is the one any only place to go for Qwerty and a very lovely game of Scrabble. I am addicted to those word games. Even if I don't seem to win much.

Jaciel is doing great she is moving around acting like a good little body snatcher. Abusing me yet making me smile all at the same time, Very Happy Mama here!

I guess that is all today. I am going to do some reading, online news kind of stuff, and maybe some chapters in the Novel I picked up titled Emily Hudson . Then Movie time!!!

Friday, October 22, 2010


She doesn't seem to be moving as much today and yesterday. However not as much doesn't mean none at all, I still feel her wiggle. I love feeling her wiggle even if complaints about how she jabs and abuses my insides seem to trickle out of me.

I am doing really well with this conscience decision to be happy and less uptight. Of course I am not going to be able to squash all concerns about an early birth being immanent or what might happen. However at the same time I refuse to willingly discard all of the joys and the blessed feeling I have at her existence. That would be foolish and I intend to be anything but willingly foolish when it comes to the creation of our babygirl. She is far too important to us.

Stas, bless his heart has got to be the best man I have ever found. I have never in my life met a man who is so supportive during difficult times. I complain, I bitch, I cry, I throw tantrums (adult ones) at the injustice of life and scream in pillows in reaction to my panicked worrisome personality. Stas, he rubs my back, cooks (he is doing tons better) me meals, works hard in and out of the home and coos me back to tranquility with kind words and sweet innocent caresses. All those things I claim not to need because I am so STUBBORN and RESILIENT, not lies I swear. I just feel really blessed. I just hope I tell him enough times. He needs to know how appreciated he is.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Lack of Control Sucks

I didn't post yesterday because I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself calm and relaxed rather then stressed and angry.

I was taken off any restrictions on the nineteenth at my appointment. Home free, no more having to stay in bed, no going on outings so on and so fourth. They also did a test, claiming fervently that it would be negative. It was called a fetal fibronectin swab.

It was positive. The damn test was positive. I am back on "Don't Do Much" rest. Not Bedrest although its bedrest really. The test doesn't mean that I am going to have Jaciel now, today or tomorrow it does mean that she will be born prior to forty weeks and we don't really want that, its not what we'd say ideal.

I feel like a failure. My body is sabotaging it self. Jaciel is healthy, she is moving, kicking and happy with a beautiful heart beat but I body just wants to be done with the whole mess. Its not time for it to be done. There is no way that this can be right, your body is suppose to work for you especially if you take care of it and I am taking care of it but it isn't taking care of me. At ALL! My body hates me and right now I HATE IT!!!!!

Now - - I need to stay calm, relaxed and read lots-o-books. Deal. Last night Crystal was sweet and fed us dinner and boy was it yummy. I was so excited about being able to cook and create again the other day to have it all shot down so quickly. Ugh.

In the end, today is another day. I started an interesting book titled Emily Hudson and I am going to do my thing while not stressing myself out about what I cannot control. Which for the record doesn't seem like there is ANYTHING I can control anymore and it SUCKS!

Next Appointment and Re-test: November 2nd @ 10:15Am

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Great Appointment...Six Month Milestone

I can't believe it, I am six months into my adventure. I am over half way and that is amazing. In the words of my close friend and sister "...she will be in my arms before I know it." She's so right! The Cerclage is going to be removed January and its pretty much a free for all from then on. Do you realize how... do I realize how close January is? Ninety-two days, that is three months... that isn't long at all. NOT AT ALL! Oh my lord, whew. I am so happy. Jaciel is doing tumbles as I am saying this and its no lie that during this time frame I feel the most fetal movement because all I ever feel is movement. Even when she sleeps all it does is slow down almost seems like she tosses and turns in her sleep. Doc says she has long sleep cycles right now. Now if only I can get her to sleep when I want to sleep. Ha! Wishful thinking because we all know that won't happen, ever probably.

I already feel blessed and once she is born, in my arms for me to meet in person I am going to be in tears and shock that its all a reality. One part of the adventure has ended and a new one will begin.

I am already amazed by the resiliency she has shown, guess she is like her Mama.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am thrilled to meet it and I can't wait to get some things done in this house. I am going to be moving into our new two bedroom apartment very soon. This is all so exciting. Yay.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Deserves my ALL!

Yesterday was difficult, I felt guilty, sad and then every time I felt Jaciel tumble around inside my womb I felt that warm fuzzy excitement all over again. The baby we mourn for and miss will never be forgotten or loved any less but the beating heart within me deserves my full attention and a happy disposition. I am going to give her my all.

I just needed to voice that.
Now as for my craving - I WANT AN APPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Doc appointment: Tomorrow @ 10:45am

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Why do I want to cry today, When it is tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me, I can't stop thinking about it already being a year since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I know I should just be happy that right now I am sitting here feeling my little one squirm inside of my belly but its such a different world in comparison to what my heart feels. The pain is a different animal.

If I shouldn't be feeling this until tomorrow; why do I want to cry today? Is today so different then any other day, so many anniversaries seem to be coming up and somewhere in the middle Jaciel should be born and providing us with the joys and stressors of having a newborn. Yet right now I feel blah. I feel pain, I feel sad... I feel all those nasty annoying feelings you feel when you lose someone you love.

Why can't I be happy for one more day before having to face the one year anniversary of her death?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Good Morning; Hard day

Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.

Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.

Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.

What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.

Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.

I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle at 7PM and join others in creating an endless wave of light for those little ones that didn't make it. House Resolution #222 was passed in the house of Representatives supporting the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 . This is a little known fact but one that should be widely known and participated in.

The loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or pregnancy complications such as Pre-term labor is a startlingly common event and an extremely painful one; it is a loss that most families deal with in silence. Little support is given although there are support groups but they aren't known about, not suggested as often as they should be majority of the time nor are enough of them around. The death of a baby especially in miscarriage is still a taboo subject either ignored due to fear of saying the wrong thing or sadly the loss is even chalked up to something so common that it is as if it's nothing. With words thought to comfort such as "It just wasn't meant to be" or "This was natures way of fixing a mistake." These aren't words that are helpful instead they are rather painful to hear. Nothing is worse then the inadequate feelings and the devastation that is experienced when a baby is lost and this is at any point in the development as well as following birth. Becoming a parent is scary enough and to feel like you have failed in some way is crushing.

I personally have experienced this crushing feeling of failure when it wasn't I who failed. The pain of it is overwhelming, luckily enough when losing my little girl last year in October her father, my wonderful partner, companion and best friend grieved along with me. Tears were shed, lots of communication took place and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself through the process of grief. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that support and I couldn't have imagined having to cremate our baby girl without him by my side. We were offered counseling and opted out of it however we had been glad that it was offered in the first place. We considered it and knew if ever either one of us wanted, felt we needed to go and speak to someone about our experience we could. That alone was a comfort. A comfort not everyone has the privilege to have placed before them.

We need to educate the public about pregnancy and infant loss so they can better respond with kindness and compassion. We need to encourage healthcare providers, hospitals, funeral directors and other employees to give out the books, pamphlets and information regarding support available. These professionals need to be better trained to comfort affected families in order to help along the necessary healing process. Burial helps with the closure needed to move through the painful process of grieving over a loss. Therefore they need to be aware of the rights that the families have available to them so they can properly inform.

Let us please raise awareness and promote openness, and compassion regarding the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death by recognizing this day of national remembrance remembering our babies.

Hormones or Me

I really hate the way it feels when I want to run someone off the road, drag them out of the car they are in and pummel them. Its not a warm fuzzy feeling, its infuriating. Now question is, am I experiencing this because of hormones putting me into protection mode or is it because I have a natural violent streak. Which is it?

This young blonde.... oh keeping the rest of that comment to myself and going on... was on the phone in her BMW SUV and cut us off twice. The woman, if she can even privileged to be referred to as one, was so close to shoving us off the roadway that I clenched my entire body. Lets just say that isn't a good feeling when your trying to stay calm, unstressed both physically and emotionally for baby's sake. The first time scared me and I honked the horn while Stas navigated us to safety, the second time caused me to want to spit fire. If it was possible you would have seen it spewing fifty feet from my open mouth charring her car. I LAID on the horn and started to screen obscenities. She scared me so bad that I felt like MOWING her down. Thank the lord and for the sake of everyone else I wasn't driving.

Now I have always had a hint of ROAD RAGE but the feeling I was experiencing was complete total NEED for annihilation. I wanted to not only run her off the road but make sure she felt it.

That frightens me. I know I have a part of me that can be less then pleasant but I didn't think it was that easily provoked. What gives?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Bedrest Day Three and Four

Yesterday, my wonderful Sunday. Its my favorite day of the week was blessed with two visitors. Crystal brought Noodle and sat with me for a while and Cassandra brought us dinner. We are both very grateful.

This morning Stas woke up and made me a teriffic breakfast, he is really improving his skills. We ate it while finishing a mini series that we stated last night called RiverWorld. One thing about bedrest is one really gets to catch up on their movie watching and missed TV productions. RiverWorld held my interest and provided an interesting concept. Oh we also viewed a little movie called NetherBeast Incorporated . It was an entertaining movie, made me laugh and was positively nothing that I'd typically watch. Again another fact about Bedrest, aside from catching up on things you may have missed while conducting your busy life you get to experience new and interesting things. :) The only type of movie that I doubt I'll agree to trying to watch is a Zombie Flick, which at this very moment Stas is enjoying his guilty pleasure of Zombie Film enjoyment. I just can't do it. I don't know why. Wait yes I do, they are pointless to me. Pointless, ugly and just plain blah. No judgment passed by me on those of you who 'Love' the Zombie genre I guess essentially its no worse then the Vampire genre.

Oh Netflix's how you've become such a close friend, I love you!

Whew, not the idea of 'Christina don't think too much' which is a habit I have had all my life and this habit is becoming more of an issue now that my brain is lacking stimulation. All I have been doing is thinking. Thinking of having a Babygirl and all the things that go with it. Granted I think I am beginning to become a bit more use to the idea. I really love the little outfits but then all things 'little' interest me. Yet my fears still haunt me and boy do they haunt me at my most vulnerable, during my dream state.

As my dear friend and confidant Greg has mentioned to me multiple times a parent never stops worrying. That apparently pertains to ones sleeping hours. This all seems so familiar to me, my worry regarding Jaciel's wellbeing is so similar to my worry regarding Angie and Crystal. The biggest difference is they are actually living life. Jaciel is still enjoying the safety and enjoyment of pummeling my innards with her miniature limbs. I guess that makes me a parent.

What makes someone a parent? Does giving birth to our other little girl make me a mother even know she had passed? Does being pregnant in the first place give you that title? Or is it like how I have always viewed it, as being the actions and unconditional love that you give in the role of 'mother'. Whether it be to a loved one that looks up to you or to your very own spawn. What means 'Mother'?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Its a subject and a question that I have always been curious about guessing its up to personal debate but now that I have all this time on my hands to think so much I guess its been ever more present in my thoughts. I wish someone could make sense of my quandary rather then tell me its only what I view that matters.

What is Motherhood?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day Two Bed-rest

Essentially its the end of day two, BED-REST. I become more at peace with it now. Its not too bad. Although if I only had a personal chef, things would be much better. I feel bad for Stas because he has ten times more responsibilities on him now that I can't do much. Makes me love him even more even know I don't say it half as much as I should.

She has been active as always which is refreshing and annoying all at the same time. Although right at the moment, as much as a good nights sleep sounds. I am trying to make her move because she is too still. Just can't make me happy can she.. lol

Everyday is one day closer to meeting her. Its amazing how time seems to move so fast when you don't want it to but so slowly when you'd give anything to get to the goal at the end of the road. I want her to come into this world healthy, timely and ... now! If now was when she was suppose to. I am just excited to meet her. I've been waiting so long and each experience I've had just doesn't seem to go smoothly. I am determined to get her here.

Its another late night for Stas at work which means another late night for me. I can't seem to sleep without him home.

I guess its time for another move. I just completed Frida Karlo, which I have to say wasn't a bad move at all!

Good Night.

Friday, October 8, 2010


Yesterday I started to feel contractions, I am 22 weeks and obviously its far too early to be having contractions. Our baby is an active little one, I swear she is going to be a gymnast. She is growing perfectly, no problems everything inside is going smoothly until yesterday.

I am suppose to be taking it easy and I was under the impression I had been. Apparently not easy enough. I had began to notice that I felt twinges and such after grocery shopping also after I prepared a meal. Basically any standing or walking for any length of time would cause some twinges. However after about 30 minutes to an hour of sitting it faded away. I had planned to bring this up to Doctor on October 19th, which is my upcoming appointment. Apparently that wasn't soon enough.

Yesterday at about 10AM I began to feel what resembled contractions, and Jaciel had been moving around ten times more then what is normal. Didn't think anything of it besides that it had been a bit annoying. Then the annoying sensation began to become uncomfortable ranging to painful. Called that Doctor about 1PM didn't get a reply by 3PM so a trip to the emergency room ensued.

At first they didn't detect any contractions, they only saw how Jaciel seemed to be going for a world record of kicks in the exact same spot every time. I began to think it was all in my head and I was just being super sensitive to her movements now that she has become stronger.

Then I felt one. After the first one came more.

I got a shot of Terbutaline, which feels like the worst self induced anxiety attack on the planet. They tell me that I am not on Bedrest, modified so I can get up and go to the restroom as many times as desired. However the baby hasn't baked long enough to have a chance.

Now I am going batty and trying to not worry. Its looking like BED-REST is going to be what the doctor orders until birth.

Finding Out, Moving Out, Making to 17 Weeks

We found out for sure, we quickly found an apartment, Stas found a job as well as started his Independent Study for his High School diploma.

Moving out was a pain in the ass! We did it!

Dr. Wiseman has been the best doctor ever. Come to find out my previous OBGYN wasn't very good and could have cared less or at least acted that way.

We decided to put a cerclage in at 15 weeks. We had a few worries and complications but nothing serious. It was decided that an incompetent cervix had been my problem in the first place.

We made it to 17 weeks and its been somewhat easy going up until now!


We moved to Visalia into my mothers house. Two weeks prior I felt a twinge of something odd. I thought I was pregnant but figure it couldn't be because I had been sick for so long that sex wasn't exactly on the top of the list.

The move was stressful, with me being sick and losing weight so fast that I began to look a little malnourished and again of course Stas' family. I couldn't wait to get away.

I try to be understanding about the cultural differences and the fact that Stas is the only boy and the youngest but in the end I just can't. I don't and will never understand how it makes logical sense to treat a grown man of his age as a child.

Low and behold we are PREGNANT again!


April 15th 2010, The cancer takes my father.

Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

  1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
  2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
  3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Tragedy Hits

We conceived May/June time frame. Our baby girl was born in October the 17th of 2010. Obviously far too early to survive at such an undeveloped stage. I was seventeen weeks along.

Reason unknown to us at the time my water broke, no warning, no bleeding just mild contractions and my water ruptured. I went into labor. Stas and I caught a cab, to this day I don't know why we didn't call an ambulance. We went to Cal Pac Labor and Delivery on Cherry Street and found out what I had already known. Our little girl was dead.

I waited to breakdown after the nurses left but it didn't take me long. Stas held me tightly as I sobbed. They gave me two options. I could allow labor to proceed and give birth to her vaginally or they could surgically remove her from my womb. I wanted surgery, I didn't want to remember anymore of this then I had to. Stas wouldn't have it. Surgery is dangerous and it was unnecessary because I was already in labor.

Phone calls were made to my family members, we were moved into a room upstairs and I had been given something to calm myself and possibly sleep before it was time to deliver. Needless to say I didn't sleep and wouldn't stay still, most of it is a blur. I remember saying goodbye and holding her. By that time my Aunt was present and the baby was passed between her, Stas and I so we could say goodbye to our little girl.

She may have had the face only a parent could love but she was ours. Her features were already beginning to set and she looked like her daddy, already long. Stas is a tall 6foot 3inches, while I am a petite 4foot 11inches. We said goodbye, cremated her and she is safe at home where she belongs.
We Miss Our Little Girl!

Problems Start!

Bigger problems then his unreasonable parents or the sister who never stops talking long enough to actually listen arise. The complications begin. First its simple, my sugar keeps dropping so I eat more often as instructed. A few times I find light blood in my panties and I discover I am a little anemic. I still go to work, I still push myself to do everything I need to do. We are both worried. Yet he doesn't say anything about being scared. He doesn't want to make me more worried then I already am. I am going crazy inside. Fear is all I feel, the amazement of being pregnant begins to just be overridden by intense fears. I end up quitting my job before I got fired. I couldn't preform my duties.

His parents still are going on about how we are doing this wrong, how we need to move and this and that. I am so stressed out that I can't even think straight. I cry and can't stop thinking about how I need to just get away from all these people.


We are happy, scared, shocked and everything in between. Can't believe it happened. I wasn't suppose to be able to conceive children least of all carry them with out miscarrying. Oh GOD! I don't want to go through that again, is all I can remember thinking.

Believe it or not we had discussed pregnancy prior to this new factor in our life. When we got together I was straight forward and blunt about what I wanted and what I didn't want. One was the fact that I probably couldn't have children and if I were to become pregnant and he wasn't interested due to his age, inexperience or whatever then I would be okay with that. Stas being the person he is told me that he'd be thrilled to become a father. Talk about a nut job. Little did I realize that I would actually become pregnant.

Telling his parents didn't come out well. Telling mine went fine but they view me as an adult sadly no one in Stas' family views him as an adult.

It was made very clear when we started seriously dating that I wasn't good enough. I am not Russian, not anything they desired for Stas now I that I am pregnant we are told that we need to move and we can't raise our child in a cave.

We didn't live in a cave.
I worked, went to the doctors, went to Stas' work, cooked, cleaned and so on.

As we both are trying to let "We're Pregnant" sink in.

Things Are Coming Along!

Well, well I finally got a job and rent is getting paid. Barely! Inna isn't and that is totally going up in smoke. Phillip, my ex, claims that the military won't change over my allotment. Which I come to find out via my own research that he is telling the truth. I AM devastated! We tried to explain it to Inna but that doesn't really work. It continues to degrade. Stas wants to make peace but can't. I am again the evil person no matter what is said and done.

Stas is stuck between his family, himself and I. Talk about a mess. He confides in me how he feels about things but no one really listens to him in his own family so he doesn't talk, just listens and does what he views best. He attempts to keep the peace while working on spreading his wings. While I am wondering if I should just run. This is an ongoing issue. He tries to please everyone but no one is pleased, not even content.

First Apartment Together

We moved into our first real apartment in June. Our apartment was in the sunset district of San Francisco, California. The place was perfect in our eyes. Small, just barely affordable, and ours. No more housemates, no more broken heaters, no more busted electrical just us and well nothing else. All of my things were in another town (Visalia) and Stas didn't own anything, not for keeping a house. Talk about a new adventure for him and a new one for me with him.

His parents, bless their hearts flipped. We borrowed money stupidly from his sister but wasn't aware the many reasons or ways that could back fire on us. I was counting on something I thought was set in stone and Stas figured it would all work out if things went awry. We were sadly mistaken. Lessons learned!

Little did we know that the next phase of our adventure had already started but it wasn't time for us to be aware of it just yet.

The Beginning!

In February 22nd of 2010 Stanislav Kalyuzhny and I started dating. Against my better judgment may I point out. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship at the time. I didn't want to exclusively be with anyone. Casual dating, fine. Going to dinner, okay. Movies, wonderful. However dating wasn't part of the deal. Yet, Stas and I started dating. In my defense, he happened to have been very persistent in his pursuit.

Mind you I just moved back to the states the September before. This was not in my plans.

Guess I kind of liked him, his pursuit was so innocent although innocent he was far from. From that night on he never really left my apartment. He practically moved in.

Here is really where our adventure began.