This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I am sure it seems ages since I have written in my blog. These last few weeks have seemed overwhelming. I had my Baby Shower, Crystal tried so hard to make it perfect, and Angie made a very beautiful cake. It was small but thats good with me. Nana bought Jaciel a Crib

and I was near tears with excitement, Aunt Josie bought us a camera which is unbelievably important to us because we want as many photo's of Jaciel as humanly possible. Then again what parent doesn't believe in tons of photo opts for the little one they created.

The Baby Shower took place on the 5th of December three days later I was admitted into Labor and Delivery in an attempt to make the contractions I was experiencing disappear. They pumped me with Magnesium and antibiotic for preventive measure. The bed was horribly uncomfortable. I was in pain due to downward pressure and partial dilation. Dr. Bossman cared for me during the weekend and made me feel as comfortable as possible, she was awesome no doubt.  Once Monday came around my actual OBGYN Dr. Wiseman saw me, checked me and at that point decided to remove the Cerclage because I had begun to rip due to the contractions and her pressing down. I was in instant tears. My mind kept screaming, "No, too early!". The removal of the stitch wasn't half as bad as i had imagined. Like most things your mind can take something simple and unknown creating a giant monster of an experience to come. When in reality its just the unknown, until the unknown is known your imagination runs wild. Well, mine ran wild and my fear of the removal made it probably a bit worse then it needed to be. I was upset but composed myself and cozied up to the idea of Jaciel being born. They removed the Magnesium drip which solved a great deal of my misery. No one informed me that Magnesium creates flu like feelings. I was glad that was gone. The Neonatologist came and spoke to me preparing me for what will take place when she comes so I wouldn't be shocked. He did a wonderful job explaining everything. Although he only verified the research I had done. I had however listened and hung on every word being sung from his lips. I needed to be reassured by a professional that the "No, too early!" ringing loudly in my head was going to be okay. He reassured me and after that I felt ready. End result, no baby. Everything just Stopped! I dilated very little and twenty-four hours later I was still pregnant.

Its now the 21st of December and I am still very pregnant. Jaciel is still in her little birthing position, they can feel her head and the bag of water but she doesn't seem to be budging. I guess she changed her mind. Well it took me a minute to be okay with her change of mind. As much as I know, believe and understand the longer she stays in the better for her health I had a hard time wrapping my head around the screeching halt we've come to. Now I am totally at peace with the fact she is going to happily bake for a little longer and the discomfort I am experiencing is well worth it in the end.

However at first I was just filled with frustration. I was ready, I was mentally prepared for a baby that wasn't going to be able to come home with me and I was ready for ... I was just ready. It was hard to talk myself into being truly at peace with the idea that my child was going to be whisked away from me instantly and have tubes placed in her, placed in a box that was going to protect her from everything unhealthy but also keep her from me. The thought of that isn't easy to be 'okay' with and I did it. Then boom, didn't need to do that to myself. I guess maybe I was upset about having to put myself through those hoops to just be told that it was unnecessary. It actually hurts mentally to put yourself through those mental loops in the first place, I think typing this is the first time I realized why I was so upset. Not to mention the entire experience of being in Labor Limbo, is just not fun.

Now however I know I can get a few more things prepared for her arrival and the more time she spends inside my belly the less time she'll have to spend in any neonatal unit apart from me. The more time she spends inside of the safe place my body provides the less chances she will need plastic tubes, needles and a little plastic box to protect her from a world she wasn't ready to come into contrary to what she may have thought. I like all these perks of her staying put. Her safety is my priority.

As I mentioned things have felt a little overwhelming. I have decided not to beat myself up over the frustration I was experiencing, it won't do any good. I love my daughter and in the long run want the best for her.

I guess essentially the above covers everything that has taken place between the 8th until now. Its been interesting.

Next Appointment Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

It has been a while since I have posted on here. I have had some crazy days and then some that have just been blissful. I am trying to keep my emotions under control. Lately my small amount of so called patience has gotten even less. My landlord the current one in this big mess of a change over has shown his true colors and I am disappointed in myself for thinking that being nice and not a stickler was okay. WRONG! This is one of the many traits I have actually earned by being my mothers child. As much as I attempt to protect myself from idiots that are out to just be selfish, dishonest and that have a crappy sense of ethic. I am ready to actively look for a new place to live, although this would be crappy timing, find me a lawyer and start paperwork suing him for lack of repairs and being a crappy landlord. Ugh! I don't know what exactly to do but I do know that I don't have the energies or gumption to really deal with this mess right now.

I had a L&D experience from hell as well since the last time I've written in here. I went in for contractions, they gave me nasty Trabuterline (the stuff that feels like a self induced anxiety attack) which didn't work after a while they released me with instructions to return if they don't go away or increase in intensity. They did and I did as I was instructed. The contractions actually woke me up from much needed slumber. This would be when things really went awry. They ended up giving me Promethizine, an anti nausea medication, which I have taken before. Well it gave me such leg spasms that I couldn't stop moving and it wouldn't let me sleep. They gave me Benedryal which increased my issue rather then solved it. I was so out of it that when they came in saying "Here is your Dilauded." I looked up and said Huh? "Why are you giving me Dilauded?" "You asked for it." They said this part as they were injecting it. I felt total instant relaxation in my legs, they were hurting so bad from constant uncontrollable movement. The problem was I don't recall ever requesting pain medication. None! I don't remember them talking to me I do know that after the medication I was finally able to sleep but I swear to you I didn't ask for it.

After all was said and done, I went home at Nine in the morning after a total of twelve hours in L&D (including my initial visit)  and slept off the fog. Only to cry for an entire day blaming Stas for going home and sleeping, although I told him to do so, and allowing me to over drug my baby via drugging myself. I had been so angry because I COULDN'T remember why, what or how I ended up taking a narcotic. I don't remember being in pain, not real pain. Maybe after a while the discomfort of constant little contractions and a few larger ones I hurt but I don't remember. I was so angry at myself and worried for Jaciel. She wasn't moving a whole lot. THEN......

She started up again! All was normal and now all is still normal. Now however I swear unless my water breaks or leaks or something visual happens I am going to deal with these contractions and SUCK IT UP! I am not have a replay of that night EVER again, PERIOD!!!

Oh yes, holidays. Those of you who know me well know that Holidays and I aren't really that close. However being that Turkey only comes out once a year for our weekly dinner with my mother at my house we made one. Along with my sought after Garlic Green Beans, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Root Salad (Kohlrabi, Beets, Carrots with Raspberry Vinaigrette) and last but not least a Apple Crumble Pie. I didn't hear not one complaint except for the ones coming out of Stas' mouth about how FAT he feels he is getting as he stuffs himself with the remainder of the pie. Must say it was a yummy meal. :)

The baby shower is coming up quicker and quicker, we are thrilled. I can't wait to see family and see the excitement on Nana's face as she feels her Great Granddaughter kick her through my belly. Her tactile senses are a little bit more advanced due to the lack of her other senses and I know she is going to love it. Not to mention of course I am curious what little cool items Jaciel is going to get. :)

Well.. Well, I think that covers it. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday and are enjoying the remainder of your November. With all your shopping and holiday craziness, be safe.


Friday, November 19, 2010

Oh how fun it is....

Last few days I have been so horribly uncomfortable. Not just due to baby but... well related to baby but not because of her directly. I am slowly beginning to feel better then tonight about twenty or thirty minutes ago however she was sitting restricted my breathing. Talk about uncomfortable and no matter how expected it is having your breathing restricted is very disconcerting. Thankfully due to my experience with my breathing problems as a child I have a lot of experience in calming myself. Doesn't by any means mean I enjoyed the twenty-five minutes of feeling like some unseen being was attempting to smoother me. I forced myself to take a nap knowing that you breath shallow and relax when you sleep. Which allows whatever is taking place take its course. The nap was much needed anyway.

I have become increasingly irritable with Santi, Stas and probably any other person that crosses my path lately. Especially on days that aren't too pleasant for me. Instead of just really rough nights its all the time. By the time I make my peace with this stage of our adventure it will be over. Its a pleasant thought but one dripping with a bit of sweet sorrow. Pregnancy is less then splendid experience sometimes but its still an experience I wouldn't take back.

I went to my last appointment and got glowing reviews. Did the nasty glucose test, heard her wildly beating heart and her kicking in retaliation to the invasion. Was told that I am not allowed travel, and he told me so in such a round about way. Which made me giggle. We have our fingers crossed that Miss. Jaciel Polina Kalyuzhnaya waits and bakes at least until thirty-seven weeks. I haven't received the results to the sugar test but he doesn't seem to be concerned, we are also checking me Cholestasis to be on the safe side because I have been itching a lot. However I think it has more to do with the cold dry weather coming about signaling winter. Over all I think my appointment went well and I am coming along nicely. It is official however that I feel her every move, she twitches and I know. it. This fact comes with mixed feelings. HAHA

Stas' work has cut his hours next week for reason unknown to us, causes a little bit of stress. Okay, I lie it causes a lot of stress. However we'll survive. It always works out. We still haven't gotten our repairs done in the house which is getting increasingly irritating. I just keep telling myself things will work out soon.

On a really happy exciting note, my baby shower is coming up. Yay! Its coming quickly. I am so excited!!!!

In conclusion, I can't believe this adventure is coming to an end. Soon I will be holding the same being that is being housed within my body and kicking the living out of my insides. I am excited, and so many other things to.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Yesterday & Comprehensive Update

Last night was a blast and I know something that won't happen for a while after Jaciel is born. Stas and I met up with Martin, Angie, Darrell, Rater, Regina, Daniel and Liz at Brew Bakers, which had the worst service on the planet but we had a blast. We then all headed back to Angie and Martin's house for some more hanging out. Needless to say we didn't get home until two in the morning nearly. (Confession: Brew Bakers stairs killed me, I did a little too much but sat my happy butt down and did nothing the entire time I was at the house.)

I have never been one under the impression that my adult life ENDS once a child is born. Really my fun continues but may be slightly tweaked. It really depends on what you consider fun. If you consider going out every weekend for the entire weekend to a club or wild party, then yeah your days of that is OVER! That thankfully isn't me. Ask any of my friends (the few I have) I am the boring, simple one. They love me! Anyhow I do know staying out until some god awful hour isn't going to happen often at all.

Don't misunderstand I am also not one under the impression that the weekend after Jaciel's grand entrance that I am going to be heading out to the nearest theme park for a romp. I know that she and I will not be parted for at least two months, I intend to breast feed with little to no pumping for the first four to eight weeks to establish a good milk supply. I also don't intend to do a great deal for the first eight weeks anyway. I'd like to bond with her, stir up some maternal instincts, get use to being a mother and get cozy with my lack of sleep.

The point of the last two paragraphs would be, well I guess they don't have a point. Stas and I really just enjoyed our outing and are glad we were invited.

I am honestly feeling very confident this week. Whether either ultra sound is correct that I am 27 or 26 weeks along I am confident that Jaciel will be just fine. I am also for some reason, which as I am sure I am mentioned before I am super in-tuned with my body unlike a lot of people. (Curse and a Blessing) I am of the belief deep down that Jaciel will be born soon after the removal of my cerclage as the doctor has guessed. I am actually not worried. Possibly I should be more concerned then I am but I am not.

The house is coming together, slowly but its happening. I need it to come together for my sanity. I do things here and there and Stas has been a great help. He loves both me and his little girl snuggled inside of me, thankfully that propels him to do things about the house and be a great emotional support. I am blessed. Its taken me some time to find some one like him.

I am excited to say my Baby Shower is coming up. December 5th @ 2pm I am going to be at my sisters house enjoying a yummy cake and I am sure lots of laughter. I am unaware if I am going to get many items but honestly I am not so worried about that either. People have worked with less then nothing and I know my family won't allow me to go without for our little girl.

I guess bottom line is I just am not worrying about much of anything. Its keeping me much more content and probably healthier. Although I have my moments where I am bombarded with thoughts about being a new mother to a very helpless wiggly little girl. It comes with its apprehensions as a big picture but I figure one day at a time. Right? The worst problem right now is the pain that goes along with her stretching and so fourth within my belly. I am not a very big person and I know she isn't a very big person right now either. However two not very big people, one housed within the other isn't always the most comfortable. It always seems like she knows where to hurt me most, ugh. However even with my complaints I am happy to just know that she is safe, healthy, and alive wiggling within my womb.

I don't understand how people can hate pregnancy so much. I have been reading a lot of articles trying to 'take it easy'. So many claim such horrors. When I feel that its difficult and some days I want to pull out my hair but it doesn't seem much different then any other part of living. Some days you just want to pull out your hair, some moments are more difficult then others, some nights sleep seems non-existent and last but not least some days you just want to curse the world. Pregnancy doesn't really seem to be much of a change from those same ol' motions. The new part is the happiness that comes over you even during the worst painful, stressful moments reminding you that inside you have a beating heart, a living being. With all my rambling it just comes down to I feel the unpleasantness is completely canceled out in the end by the fact I have a little person growing inside of my body, created by me (with some help of course), nurtured by me, protected by me who I love more then anything although I have never seen her. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I read this Article on TheFrisky.com the other day and I could help but laugh the entire time. Its called Girl Talk: Why the Third Trimester is the Best Trimester I am in complete total agreement with it. The first trimester is full of miscarriage worries, the ultimate forever long PMS and no one knows why because its just too early. The Second is all those little pains and aches but no one gives any sympathy because your just barely pregnant. You may feel your bean begin to move just to flip out when it stops being so irregular. Then the third happens. Yes its uncomfortable. Yes its tiring but you know what ... all that movement is a sure sign of healthy baby and no worries! I LOVE WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW. I finally feel less fat and just pregnant. I feel Jaciel move all the time. I much rather her stick her limbs in my ribs rather then down into my cervix but hey pain and all I know she is okay. Just think I am almost on my last three month stretch. I am loving it!

Crystal and Angie are coming over for Coffee this morning and I am going to toss together another batch of my bread. It was good and who can turn down warm bread and coffee, right?

Have a few things to do today. Bank, post office ... that kind of thing. I am in a fantastic mood and going to enjoy every second of it. I must be glowing with good mood vibes because when Stas walked in from taking Santi out for his walk all he wanted to do was come and give me a kiss. :)

I feel so loved, so happy and so ready to meet my little girl!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Confessions of a Different Kind

Before swimming into the depths of this post and what is plaguing me at the moment I am going to splash around in the pleasant shallows first. Early this morning I was griping about something and Stas stared at me with this grin. You know you all hate it when your fuming about anything and the person your spewing that symbolic fire to is looking back at you with a silly grin. The kind of grin you just want to slap right off their face. I realized a long time ago that would be why my mother always told me instead of yelling back at someone being rude I should reply in a calm manner of "Thank you" or "You have a nice day to." punctuated with a broad smile. It pisses them off, it sure pisses me off. Mind you whatever I was griping about really has no baring because it wasn't anything worth griping about I am sure. I can't even fully remember it and that is a sure sign that it wasn't that important. Just couples gripes, you know the kind. Anyhow what I do remember is making that frustrated gerr sound and balling up my fists at my side. The semi-adult fit throwing stance of frustration. Then asking him in a very stern, not so stern really I just like to say it was. It sounds better then miniature fit throwing roar that you hear out of a midget like me, who probably isn't as pissed as she'd like to portray. So yeah I am asking him in a scary stern sounding voice saying "Why are you grinning at me? What is so entertaining? Are you listening at all?" and his reply instantly deflated my puffed up stance. "You've gotten so much bigger."
Ugh? That is like saying I am waddling and I told him if he ever tells me I am waddling like a duck that I'd make him pay. I've gotten so much bigger! Humph. BIGGER! Yes, I know everyone makes comments about how tiny I am. How lucky I am to still be so little and thin, minus the baby belly. Then even my baby belly is cute and small. Thank you all for the kind compliments and I know I am not as large as some can get. I am lucky to have my baby weight protrude rather then spread, at least I am lucky this time. However I am still sensitive about my size, remember (those of you who knew me then) I was once 210lbs, huge. SIZE is a major thing for me. Therefore the comment of "You've gotten so much bigger" from Stas this morning didn't make me smile at first, it didn't help that I was angry about something stupid initially. I continued my mature semi-adult fit throwing and stomped off. Only to find myself smiling and returning to him lounging on the couch looking down and saying "I can't see my legs anymore." Lets just say I swear I grow over night. Yesterday I was able to see the tips of my shoes. I can't now.

Over all baby update is on the up and up. She is making me sorely uncomfortable and turning my midsection into a bowling ball-like display. I love my bowling ball, honestly but she is heavy! She may only be a few pounds right now but my small body feels like she is more like ten pounds. Ugh! Makes me really wonder when she makes her debut how big she is going to be. The thought of her debut makes me smile every time, never fails. I can't wait to meet this little person I have house inside me, who is entertained by the innards she can practice her kung fu gymnastics moves on. 

There is me splish-splashing in the shallows. I actually think the whole things this morning is funny.

Now for the depths ....
Those of you who saw my post about me losing my income are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about. Some of you, but not all are aware that I am actually legally married to a man named Phillip. He is in the United States Army. Our separation is of the complicated sort. Its more complicated then infidelity but just as humiliating and painful not like infidelity isn't humiliating and painful enough. To make things just that much more complicated being that the Military is a factor the particulars of getting a divorce are a bit more screwy. Anyhow bottom line is I am still married. Stas knows, and has known from day one. I kept no secrets. My livelihood has actually been coming from Phillip due to the Military since our parting. This was set to change very soon. However he now wants to pull it from me prior to the finalization of the divorce. This taking place is still in limbo. It depends if the Military lets him and if he with his NCO's assistance find any nifty loop holes. Trust me its the government and loop holes abound, worst its the ARMY. Those of you that have had any experience with the ARMY need no explanation, those of you who haven't don't want to know.

Well this has forced me into early confession mode. Phillip is aware of Stas, yet names have never been revealed. I am also well aware of some Italian chick he is seeing who has a small child. There isn't any issues with that. However what he wasn't aware of was baby, this one or the previous. I intended to tell him but was waiting for him to be out of the hectic, dangerous war zone that he was in being deployed.

See I have this thing, I kind of love those that I profess to love unconditionally. Which means as complicated and painful our unique separation was my hurt and anger lack in strength when it compares to my desire for his welbeing. Those of you who know the specifics think I am a little on the deluded side of the spectrum. However its just me, and honestly none of you would want me any other way. Otherwise I might not be the person you care for so much or the person who cares so much for you. Who knows who'd I'd be if I were different.

In the name of his sanity and safe surroundings I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy to him. I know he'd have mixed feeling about it. He and I had our experiences with attempts in child baring, we had our losses and our medical tortures. To find out in the end apparently his inability to produce a child, this of course wasn't discovered until some time after and not revealed to me until after our separation. Talk about some mixed emotions from little ol' me. It was a complicated process. I use that word an awfully lot. Things need to stop being so dang complicated so I don't have to. Back on track I didn't want to reveal my being with child until he was safe in Italy. With the money prospect I was forced into exposing my little secret and now I worry about what is to come.

I guess he still frightens me a little. I still care about his health and sanity as I mentioned above and I am so unsure about how his reaction is going to be. How its going to affect him and how its going to impact me. I don't like not knowing what is coming at me. I can't even gage my next move or my opponents at this moment.

Never been all that skilled at the game of chess, but I am skilled at the games people play. Especially at the games he plays. Therefore lets just say I am a little more then nervous about sitting here in the dark without a clue.

Guess we will see what comes next.


Friday, November 5, 2010

Dance for me baby!

I swear she is doing the jig inside my belly. I can watch my belly move as if an alien is inside of me trying to get out. I know it sounds weird, just imagine how if feels. Its just a crazy cool, not always the most comfortable sensation. It doesn't hurt, it looks like it should but not even a little. I believe it when they say she can hear whats about her because particular sounds make her move just a little more as does the time of day.

Truly amazing!

As for regular life, the house is slowly coming together. Santi is slowly getting use to the new surroundings. Its not like we made a huge move, literally on the opposite side of the building. With his difficulty adjusting you'd think we moved to a completely new COUNTRY. Lord help me, the owner of an uber sensitive puppy. Nova could care less, as long as she has food, her kitty tree and a window to smash her little kitty face into when she is on the hunt for flies or any other creature then she is a happy animal. Not so lucky with the dog.

Over all I am feeling good, I had a massive headache that is finally easing up and allowing me to not crave the action of sticking my head into the freezer for cryogenic-like safe keeping. They have to find the cure for Migraines sometime in the future. Right? Other then the regular pregnancy gripes, peeing all the time, not sleeping wonderfully... those kinds of things. Life is good!

Happy Weekend Everyone!


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Doctors Appointment....

No fetal fibronectin test today, its not worth it. It really doesn't tell us anything that we didn't know already. I got scolded for doing too much, he says he knows I am not doing his version of "taking it easy". My reply was "You try just sitting there doing NOTHING all the time." he proceeded to tell me he couldn't. That is why he knows I am not but as long as I am doing my best. I told him that I do the grocery shopping but via electronic cart, he said okay that is fine. I also told him that I help with dinner but sitting down majority of the time. He also agreed that was okay but would rather I just sit without doing something, read a book, watch TV but no physical action. I told him I do that to but I can't do it too much it makes me crazy. I am glad the doc and I can see eye to eye.

As for Jaciel, she is healthy and yet again kicked the doc in retaliation while he was trying to get a decent reading on her little beating heart. The heart sounded odd this time because we could hear more then one valve. It was weird but that means she is well developed.

Today really hasn't been a bad day but I have been in a horrid mood. Aside from my just plain moody nature this fine Tuesday things have actually gone well.

Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is better then this one. :)  

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hello Monday!

Today was is the first of the month, so grocery shopping happened. Which wasn't too bad. Got what we needed. I now have fruit, which I am always wanting. We left early so we could Get in and Get Out of the Stores before the first of the Month crowds came in to do their shopping. Gotta love the electronic carts, it allows me the freedom to do my own shopping. I love Stas, and his cooking has improved immensely but his shopping ability isn't really his high point. Therefore I greatly appreciate the Electronic Carts.

I want to make a meal but that doesn't look like its going to happen I still can't seem to view my counter-tops due to an overwhelming clutter of STUFF! Moving creates clutter where there once was none and clutter for me creates aggravation where there was none, that is a lie, there is probably always a little aggravation there. LOL Soon, very soon it will all be straightened out and I won't have this overwhelming urge to just toss everything that I own just to have space. Its really not a great deal of things. It is only just all shoved into whatever space was available for quick movement purposes. I just need to calm myself and breath through it.

What's your pet peeve? Mine has got to be clutter! (Sure there are others. I admit that I am a very particular person.)

I think I am going to enjoy another orange, listen to my smooth R&B, Jazz station and play me some scrabble against some person from a far away land. Have a great week and I hope your Monday went GREAT and is setting the precedence for a wonderful week. If not then I am sure Tuesday will, positive thinking my friends!

November 2nd - OBGYN appointment 
(Jaciel is moving and happy so far so I am not concerned.)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

What a weekend!

Confession, I have been doing a lot more then I probably should be the last few days. Things have to get done, thankfully I sit and lay down when I need to and napped a few times. Moving a house, even a house with few things in two days is no easy feat. Thankfully Martin and Angie helped us with the larger items. Yet today, the day we are suppose to be all finished, its 9:23 and Stas still hasn't wiped down the apartment. I want to go over there and do some intensive work but I can't. I am hardly allowed to do anything really. Stas is so exhausted. Working until morning after working all day here trying to move things on Saturday and then this morning getting up after working until 1am. Its just so much. Poor Stas!

Thankfully we are almost finished then it will be the slow set up of this place. Which doesn't have a time frame to be done in besides when its done! Whew I can't wait until this night is over!!!!!

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Its been a few days since I have updated this lovely blog. Baby and I are doing well, my only current dilemma right this second is I am hungry for something but am clueless on what that SOMETHING is.

I realized that my third trimester will be starting very soon, meaning... guess what... I am having a baby soon. HA! What a realization as she catapults her right leg into my pelvis. HAHA. Yeah Yeah I know you'd think I would have this realization a while ago. Truth is, I have. Then I had it again about the time she began to kick me. Then yet again around now. I am sure I will have another dose of 'OMG I AM HAVING A BABY' about the moment I go into labor.

Don't worry, none of my 'OMG' moments are really freaking out with an anxiety moments, although I think my sister thinks they may be with the way she reply's to my comments. They are hard to explain. In the mix of everything, the doctors appointments, the kicks, the cravings the contractions that aren't suppose to be there, the bed-rest or couch rest I forget that in the end, there is an end and when it comes I am going to be holding onto the same being that has been kicking my insides and residing in my belly for the last nine or so months. Which is exciting and thrilling. Of course like any other soon to be parents we want to be ready, at least product wise, set up because being actually READY isn't possible. Its a play it by ear kind of thing. Especially with my body and our baby girl.

Well ... well I should be getting these address' together like I am suppose to. When any one of you find that PAUSE button we are all on a perpetual search for, the one that pauses life just long enough for you to get your bearings and maybe some perspective, CALL ME!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Another Year Older...

As I have mentioned on Facebook this morning my mother is turning another year older. When did that happen I think to myself. Then I remember "oh yeah about the same time I turned twenty-six she was on her way to fifty-three. Now she is going to be heading to fifty-four and I... am going to be edging closer to twenty-seven ALREADY."

The years go by and creep up on you even when your not looking. Its not a bad thing matter of fact I see it as a blessing. My father can't have another year, even if it is half due to his own devices. My baby-girl can't ever turn a year old. Nor can all the others we've lost in recent and past years. They are perpetually the age they were when they perished. No feeling that back ache from when you were twenty-one and had been not paying attention to what you were doing, then dumb enough to ignore it until it became more of a problem. Your reasoning being "I'm young it will go away." it doesn't go away but hey just think that ache you feel makes you remember how invincible you once felt. That untouchable youthfulness flowing strongly in your veins and how thrilling yet how disastrous it once was. Those aches and pains allow you the pleasure of looking back remembering what you learned and what you MUST pass on.

I think age is a beautiful thing, it can be frustrating at times and can add some visual character changes that aren't always welcomed but none of it is less then WELL earned.

I am glad my mother has the chance to turn fifty-three, the chance to be here with me and share this pregnancy with me. I am thrilled to know she is going to be here when Jaciel is born and see her granddaughter, enjoy the new life that has been created.

This is to my Mommy, Leonor Castorena, and her accomplishment of surviving a beautiful fifty-three years, raising a very self-sufficient daughter and being able to welcome a extremely loved granddaughter into this crazy chaotic world.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Movies, Pogo and Snacks

Today I spent my afternoon watching movies, munching on Oranges and playing Qwerty. I think I might spend my evening the same way. Netflix happens to be my best friend along with Pogo. Both sites have been a life saver for me. Today I have seen Memory and Legion I haven't decided what movie is to come next. Thinking a foreign film. Possibly French or Russian or better yet, a Korean Horror Flick. Stas works until one in the morning so I have all the time in the world.

Pogo, my friendly gaming site is the one any only place to go for Qwerty and a very lovely game of Scrabble. I am addicted to those word games. Even if I don't seem to win much.

Jaciel is doing great she is moving around acting like a good little body snatcher. Abusing me yet making me smile all at the same time, Very Happy Mama here!

I guess that is all today. I am going to do some reading, online news kind of stuff, and maybe some chapters in the Novel I picked up titled Emily Hudson . Then Movie time!!!

Friday, October 22, 2010


She doesn't seem to be moving as much today and yesterday. However not as much doesn't mean none at all, I still feel her wiggle. I love feeling her wiggle even if complaints about how she jabs and abuses my insides seem to trickle out of me.

I am doing really well with this conscience decision to be happy and less uptight. Of course I am not going to be able to squash all concerns about an early birth being immanent or what might happen. However at the same time I refuse to willingly discard all of the joys and the blessed feeling I have at her existence. That would be foolish and I intend to be anything but willingly foolish when it comes to the creation of our babygirl. She is far too important to us.

Stas, bless his heart has got to be the best man I have ever found. I have never in my life met a man who is so supportive during difficult times. I complain, I bitch, I cry, I throw tantrums (adult ones) at the injustice of life and scream in pillows in reaction to my panicked worrisome personality. Stas, he rubs my back, cooks (he is doing tons better) me meals, works hard in and out of the home and coos me back to tranquility with kind words and sweet innocent caresses. All those things I claim not to need because I am so STUBBORN and RESILIENT, not lies I swear. I just feel really blessed. I just hope I tell him enough times. He needs to know how appreciated he is.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Lack of Control Sucks

I didn't post yesterday because I was too wrapped up in trying to keep myself calm and relaxed rather then stressed and angry.

I was taken off any restrictions on the nineteenth at my appointment. Home free, no more having to stay in bed, no going on outings so on and so fourth. They also did a test, claiming fervently that it would be negative. It was called a fetal fibronectin swab.

It was positive. The damn test was positive. I am back on "Don't Do Much" rest. Not Bedrest although its bedrest really. The test doesn't mean that I am going to have Jaciel now, today or tomorrow it does mean that she will be born prior to forty weeks and we don't really want that, its not what we'd say ideal.

I feel like a failure. My body is sabotaging it self. Jaciel is healthy, she is moving, kicking and happy with a beautiful heart beat but I body just wants to be done with the whole mess. Its not time for it to be done. There is no way that this can be right, your body is suppose to work for you especially if you take care of it and I am taking care of it but it isn't taking care of me. At ALL! My body hates me and right now I HATE IT!!!!!

Now - - I need to stay calm, relaxed and read lots-o-books. Deal. Last night Crystal was sweet and fed us dinner and boy was it yummy. I was so excited about being able to cook and create again the other day to have it all shot down so quickly. Ugh.

In the end, today is another day. I started an interesting book titled Emily Hudson and I am going to do my thing while not stressing myself out about what I cannot control. Which for the record doesn't seem like there is ANYTHING I can control anymore and it SUCKS!

Next Appointment and Re-test: November 2nd @ 10:15Am

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Great Appointment...Six Month Milestone

I can't believe it, I am six months into my adventure. I am over half way and that is amazing. In the words of my close friend and sister "...she will be in my arms before I know it." She's so right! The Cerclage is going to be removed January and its pretty much a free for all from then on. Do you realize how... do I realize how close January is? Ninety-two days, that is three months... that isn't long at all. NOT AT ALL! Oh my lord, whew. I am so happy. Jaciel is doing tumbles as I am saying this and its no lie that during this time frame I feel the most fetal movement because all I ever feel is movement. Even when she sleeps all it does is slow down almost seems like she tosses and turns in her sleep. Doc says she has long sleep cycles right now. Now if only I can get her to sleep when I want to sleep. Ha! Wishful thinking because we all know that won't happen, ever probably.

I already feel blessed and once she is born, in my arms for me to meet in person I am going to be in tears and shock that its all a reality. One part of the adventure has ended and a new one will begin.

I am already amazed by the resiliency she has shown, guess she is like her Mama.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am thrilled to meet it and I can't wait to get some things done in this house. I am going to be moving into our new two bedroom apartment very soon. This is all so exciting. Yay.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Deserves my ALL!

Yesterday was difficult, I felt guilty, sad and then every time I felt Jaciel tumble around inside my womb I felt that warm fuzzy excitement all over again. The baby we mourn for and miss will never be forgotten or loved any less but the beating heart within me deserves my full attention and a happy disposition. I am going to give her my all.

I just needed to voice that.
Now as for my craving - I WANT AN APPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Doc appointment: Tomorrow @ 10:45am

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Why do I want to cry today, When it is tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me, I can't stop thinking about it already being a year since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I know I should just be happy that right now I am sitting here feeling my little one squirm inside of my belly but its such a different world in comparison to what my heart feels. The pain is a different animal.

If I shouldn't be feeling this until tomorrow; why do I want to cry today? Is today so different then any other day, so many anniversaries seem to be coming up and somewhere in the middle Jaciel should be born and providing us with the joys and stressors of having a newborn. Yet right now I feel blah. I feel pain, I feel sad... I feel all those nasty annoying feelings you feel when you lose someone you love.

Why can't I be happy for one more day before having to face the one year anniversary of her death?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Good Morning; Hard day

Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.

Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.

Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.

What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.

Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.

I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle at 7PM and join others in creating an endless wave of light for those little ones that didn't make it. House Resolution #222 was passed in the house of Representatives supporting the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 . This is a little known fact but one that should be widely known and participated in.

The loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or pregnancy complications such as Pre-term labor is a startlingly common event and an extremely painful one; it is a loss that most families deal with in silence. Little support is given although there are support groups but they aren't known about, not suggested as often as they should be majority of the time nor are enough of them around. The death of a baby especially in miscarriage is still a taboo subject either ignored due to fear of saying the wrong thing or sadly the loss is even chalked up to something so common that it is as if it's nothing. With words thought to comfort such as "It just wasn't meant to be" or "This was natures way of fixing a mistake." These aren't words that are helpful instead they are rather painful to hear. Nothing is worse then the inadequate feelings and the devastation that is experienced when a baby is lost and this is at any point in the development as well as following birth. Becoming a parent is scary enough and to feel like you have failed in some way is crushing.

I personally have experienced this crushing feeling of failure when it wasn't I who failed. The pain of it is overwhelming, luckily enough when losing my little girl last year in October her father, my wonderful partner, companion and best friend grieved along with me. Tears were shed, lots of communication took place and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself through the process of grief. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that support and I couldn't have imagined having to cremate our baby girl without him by my side. We were offered counseling and opted out of it however we had been glad that it was offered in the first place. We considered it and knew if ever either one of us wanted, felt we needed to go and speak to someone about our experience we could. That alone was a comfort. A comfort not everyone has the privilege to have placed before them.

We need to educate the public about pregnancy and infant loss so they can better respond with kindness and compassion. We need to encourage healthcare providers, hospitals, funeral directors and other employees to give out the books, pamphlets and information regarding support available. These professionals need to be better trained to comfort affected families in order to help along the necessary healing process. Burial helps with the closure needed to move through the painful process of grieving over a loss. Therefore they need to be aware of the rights that the families have available to them so they can properly inform.

Let us please raise awareness and promote openness, and compassion regarding the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death by recognizing this day of national remembrance remembering our babies.

Hormones or Me

I really hate the way it feels when I want to run someone off the road, drag them out of the car they are in and pummel them. Its not a warm fuzzy feeling, its infuriating. Now question is, am I experiencing this because of hormones putting me into protection mode or is it because I have a natural violent streak. Which is it?

This young blonde.... oh keeping the rest of that comment to myself and going on... was on the phone in her BMW SUV and cut us off twice. The woman, if she can even privileged to be referred to as one, was so close to shoving us off the roadway that I clenched my entire body. Lets just say that isn't a good feeling when your trying to stay calm, unstressed both physically and emotionally for baby's sake. The first time scared me and I honked the horn while Stas navigated us to safety, the second time caused me to want to spit fire. If it was possible you would have seen it spewing fifty feet from my open mouth charring her car. I LAID on the horn and started to screen obscenities. She scared me so bad that I felt like MOWING her down. Thank the lord and for the sake of everyone else I wasn't driving.

Now I have always had a hint of ROAD RAGE but the feeling I was experiencing was complete total NEED for annihilation. I wanted to not only run her off the road but make sure she felt it.

That frightens me. I know I have a part of me that can be less then pleasant but I didn't think it was that easily provoked. What gives?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Bedrest Day Three and Four

Yesterday, my wonderful Sunday. Its my favorite day of the week was blessed with two visitors. Crystal brought Noodle and sat with me for a while and Cassandra brought us dinner. We are both very grateful.

This morning Stas woke up and made me a teriffic breakfast, he is really improving his skills. We ate it while finishing a mini series that we stated last night called RiverWorld. One thing about bedrest is one really gets to catch up on their movie watching and missed TV productions. RiverWorld held my interest and provided an interesting concept. Oh we also viewed a little movie called NetherBeast Incorporated . It was an entertaining movie, made me laugh and was positively nothing that I'd typically watch. Again another fact about Bedrest, aside from catching up on things you may have missed while conducting your busy life you get to experience new and interesting things. :) The only type of movie that I doubt I'll agree to trying to watch is a Zombie Flick, which at this very moment Stas is enjoying his guilty pleasure of Zombie Film enjoyment. I just can't do it. I don't know why. Wait yes I do, they are pointless to me. Pointless, ugly and just plain blah. No judgment passed by me on those of you who 'Love' the Zombie genre I guess essentially its no worse then the Vampire genre.

Oh Netflix's how you've become such a close friend, I love you!

Whew, not the idea of 'Christina don't think too much' which is a habit I have had all my life and this habit is becoming more of an issue now that my brain is lacking stimulation. All I have been doing is thinking. Thinking of having a Babygirl and all the things that go with it. Granted I think I am beginning to become a bit more use to the idea. I really love the little outfits but then all things 'little' interest me. Yet my fears still haunt me and boy do they haunt me at my most vulnerable, during my dream state.

As my dear friend and confidant Greg has mentioned to me multiple times a parent never stops worrying. That apparently pertains to ones sleeping hours. This all seems so familiar to me, my worry regarding Jaciel's wellbeing is so similar to my worry regarding Angie and Crystal. The biggest difference is they are actually living life. Jaciel is still enjoying the safety and enjoyment of pummeling my innards with her miniature limbs. I guess that makes me a parent.

What makes someone a parent? Does giving birth to our other little girl make me a mother even know she had passed? Does being pregnant in the first place give you that title? Or is it like how I have always viewed it, as being the actions and unconditional love that you give in the role of 'mother'. Whether it be to a loved one that looks up to you or to your very own spawn. What means 'Mother'?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Its a subject and a question that I have always been curious about guessing its up to personal debate but now that I have all this time on my hands to think so much I guess its been ever more present in my thoughts. I wish someone could make sense of my quandary rather then tell me its only what I view that matters.

What is Motherhood?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day Two Bed-rest

Essentially its the end of day two, BED-REST. I become more at peace with it now. Its not too bad. Although if I only had a personal chef, things would be much better. I feel bad for Stas because he has ten times more responsibilities on him now that I can't do much. Makes me love him even more even know I don't say it half as much as I should.

She has been active as always which is refreshing and annoying all at the same time. Although right at the moment, as much as a good nights sleep sounds. I am trying to make her move because she is too still. Just can't make me happy can she.. lol

Everyday is one day closer to meeting her. Its amazing how time seems to move so fast when you don't want it to but so slowly when you'd give anything to get to the goal at the end of the road. I want her to come into this world healthy, timely and ... now! If now was when she was suppose to. I am just excited to meet her. I've been waiting so long and each experience I've had just doesn't seem to go smoothly. I am determined to get her here.

Its another late night for Stas at work which means another late night for me. I can't seem to sleep without him home.

I guess its time for another move. I just completed Frida Karlo, which I have to say wasn't a bad move at all!

Good Night.

Friday, October 8, 2010


Yesterday I started to feel contractions, I am 22 weeks and obviously its far too early to be having contractions. Our baby is an active little one, I swear she is going to be a gymnast. She is growing perfectly, no problems everything inside is going smoothly until yesterday.

I am suppose to be taking it easy and I was under the impression I had been. Apparently not easy enough. I had began to notice that I felt twinges and such after grocery shopping also after I prepared a meal. Basically any standing or walking for any length of time would cause some twinges. However after about 30 minutes to an hour of sitting it faded away. I had planned to bring this up to Doctor on October 19th, which is my upcoming appointment. Apparently that wasn't soon enough.

Yesterday at about 10AM I began to feel what resembled contractions, and Jaciel had been moving around ten times more then what is normal. Didn't think anything of it besides that it had been a bit annoying. Then the annoying sensation began to become uncomfortable ranging to painful. Called that Doctor about 1PM didn't get a reply by 3PM so a trip to the emergency room ensued.

At first they didn't detect any contractions, they only saw how Jaciel seemed to be going for a world record of kicks in the exact same spot every time. I began to think it was all in my head and I was just being super sensitive to her movements now that she has become stronger.

Then I felt one. After the first one came more.

I got a shot of Terbutaline, which feels like the worst self induced anxiety attack on the planet. They tell me that I am not on Bedrest, modified so I can get up and go to the restroom as many times as desired. However the baby hasn't baked long enough to have a chance.

Now I am going batty and trying to not worry. Its looking like BED-REST is going to be what the doctor orders until birth.

Finding Out, Moving Out, Making to 17 Weeks

We found out for sure, we quickly found an apartment, Stas found a job as well as started his Independent Study for his High School diploma.

Moving out was a pain in the ass! We did it!

Dr. Wiseman has been the best doctor ever. Come to find out my previous OBGYN wasn't very good and could have cared less or at least acted that way.

We decided to put a cerclage in at 15 weeks. We had a few worries and complications but nothing serious. It was decided that an incompetent cervix had been my problem in the first place.

We made it to 17 weeks and its been somewhat easy going up until now!


We moved to Visalia into my mothers house. Two weeks prior I felt a twinge of something odd. I thought I was pregnant but figure it couldn't be because I had been sick for so long that sex wasn't exactly on the top of the list.

The move was stressful, with me being sick and losing weight so fast that I began to look a little malnourished and again of course Stas' family. I couldn't wait to get away.

I try to be understanding about the cultural differences and the fact that Stas is the only boy and the youngest but in the end I just can't. I don't and will never understand how it makes logical sense to treat a grown man of his age as a child.

Low and behold we are PREGNANT again!


April 15th 2010, The cancer takes my father.

Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

  1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
  2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
  3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Tragedy Hits

We conceived May/June time frame. Our baby girl was born in October the 17th of 2010. Obviously far too early to survive at such an undeveloped stage. I was seventeen weeks along.

Reason unknown to us at the time my water broke, no warning, no bleeding just mild contractions and my water ruptured. I went into labor. Stas and I caught a cab, to this day I don't know why we didn't call an ambulance. We went to Cal Pac Labor and Delivery on Cherry Street and found out what I had already known. Our little girl was dead.

I waited to breakdown after the nurses left but it didn't take me long. Stas held me tightly as I sobbed. They gave me two options. I could allow labor to proceed and give birth to her vaginally or they could surgically remove her from my womb. I wanted surgery, I didn't want to remember anymore of this then I had to. Stas wouldn't have it. Surgery is dangerous and it was unnecessary because I was already in labor.

Phone calls were made to my family members, we were moved into a room upstairs and I had been given something to calm myself and possibly sleep before it was time to deliver. Needless to say I didn't sleep and wouldn't stay still, most of it is a blur. I remember saying goodbye and holding her. By that time my Aunt was present and the baby was passed between her, Stas and I so we could say goodbye to our little girl.

She may have had the face only a parent could love but she was ours. Her features were already beginning to set and she looked like her daddy, already long. Stas is a tall 6foot 3inches, while I am a petite 4foot 11inches. We said goodbye, cremated her and she is safe at home where she belongs.
We Miss Our Little Girl!

Problems Start!

Bigger problems then his unreasonable parents or the sister who never stops talking long enough to actually listen arise. The complications begin. First its simple, my sugar keeps dropping so I eat more often as instructed. A few times I find light blood in my panties and I discover I am a little anemic. I still go to work, I still push myself to do everything I need to do. We are both worried. Yet he doesn't say anything about being scared. He doesn't want to make me more worried then I already am. I am going crazy inside. Fear is all I feel, the amazement of being pregnant begins to just be overridden by intense fears. I end up quitting my job before I got fired. I couldn't preform my duties.

His parents still are going on about how we are doing this wrong, how we need to move and this and that. I am so stressed out that I can't even think straight. I cry and can't stop thinking about how I need to just get away from all these people.


We are happy, scared, shocked and everything in between. Can't believe it happened. I wasn't suppose to be able to conceive children least of all carry them with out miscarrying. Oh GOD! I don't want to go through that again, is all I can remember thinking.

Believe it or not we had discussed pregnancy prior to this new factor in our life. When we got together I was straight forward and blunt about what I wanted and what I didn't want. One was the fact that I probably couldn't have children and if I were to become pregnant and he wasn't interested due to his age, inexperience or whatever then I would be okay with that. Stas being the person he is told me that he'd be thrilled to become a father. Talk about a nut job. Little did I realize that I would actually become pregnant.

Telling his parents didn't come out well. Telling mine went fine but they view me as an adult sadly no one in Stas' family views him as an adult.

It was made very clear when we started seriously dating that I wasn't good enough. I am not Russian, not anything they desired for Stas now I that I am pregnant we are told that we need to move and we can't raise our child in a cave.

We didn't live in a cave.
I worked, went to the doctors, went to Stas' work, cooked, cleaned and so on.

As we both are trying to let "We're Pregnant" sink in.

Things Are Coming Along!

Well, well I finally got a job and rent is getting paid. Barely! Inna isn't and that is totally going up in smoke. Phillip, my ex, claims that the military won't change over my allotment. Which I come to find out via my own research that he is telling the truth. I AM devastated! We tried to explain it to Inna but that doesn't really work. It continues to degrade. Stas wants to make peace but can't. I am again the evil person no matter what is said and done.

Stas is stuck between his family, himself and I. Talk about a mess. He confides in me how he feels about things but no one really listens to him in his own family so he doesn't talk, just listens and does what he views best. He attempts to keep the peace while working on spreading his wings. While I am wondering if I should just run. This is an ongoing issue. He tries to please everyone but no one is pleased, not even content.

First Apartment Together

We moved into our first real apartment in June. Our apartment was in the sunset district of San Francisco, California. The place was perfect in our eyes. Small, just barely affordable, and ours. No more housemates, no more broken heaters, no more busted electrical just us and well nothing else. All of my things were in another town (Visalia) and Stas didn't own anything, not for keeping a house. Talk about a new adventure for him and a new one for me with him.

His parents, bless their hearts flipped. We borrowed money stupidly from his sister but wasn't aware the many reasons or ways that could back fire on us. I was counting on something I thought was set in stone and Stas figured it would all work out if things went awry. We were sadly mistaken. Lessons learned!

Little did we know that the next phase of our adventure had already started but it wasn't time for us to be aware of it just yet.

The Beginning!

In February 22nd of 2010 Stanislav Kalyuzhny and I started dating. Against my better judgment may I point out. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship at the time. I didn't want to exclusively be with anyone. Casual dating, fine. Going to dinner, okay. Movies, wonderful. However dating wasn't part of the deal. Yet, Stas and I started dating. In my defense, he happened to have been very persistent in his pursuit.

Mind you I just moved back to the states the September before. This was not in my plans.

Guess I kind of liked him, his pursuit was so innocent although innocent he was far from. From that night on he never really left my apartment. He practically moved in.

Here is really where our adventure began.