I am sure it seems ages since I have written in my blog. These last few weeks have seemed overwhelming. I had my Baby Shower, Crystal tried so hard to make it perfect, and Angie made a very beautiful cake. It was small but thats good with me. Nana bought Jaciel a Crib
and I was near tears with excitement, Aunt Josie bought us a camera which is unbelievably important to us because we want as many photo's of Jaciel as humanly possible. Then again what parent doesn't believe in tons of photo opts for the little one they created.
The Baby Shower took place on the 5th of December three days later I was admitted into Labor and Delivery in an attempt to make the contractions I was experiencing disappear. They pumped me with Magnesium and antibiotic for preventive measure. The bed was horribly uncomfortable. I was in pain due to downward pressure and partial dilation. Dr. Bossman cared for me during the weekend and made me feel as comfortable as possible, she was awesome no doubt. Once Monday came around my actual OBGYN Dr. Wiseman saw me, checked me and at that point decided to remove the Cerclage because I had begun to rip due to the contractions and her pressing down. I was in instant tears. My mind kept screaming, "No, too early!". The removal of the stitch wasn't half as bad as i had imagined. Like most things your mind can take something simple and unknown creating a giant monster of an experience to come. When in reality its just the unknown, until the unknown is known your imagination runs wild. Well, mine ran wild and my fear of the removal made it probably a bit worse then it needed to be. I was upset but composed myself and cozied up to the idea of Jaciel being born. They removed the Magnesium drip which solved a great deal of my misery. No one informed me that Magnesium creates flu like feelings. I was glad that was gone. The Neonatologist came and spoke to me preparing me for what will take place when she comes so I wouldn't be shocked. He did a wonderful job explaining everything. Although he only verified the research I had done. I had however listened and hung on every word being sung from his lips. I needed to be reassured by a professional that the "No, too early!" ringing loudly in my head was going to be okay. He reassured me and after that I felt ready. End result, no baby. Everything just Stopped! I dilated very little and twenty-four hours later I was still pregnant.
Its now the 21st of December and I am still very pregnant. Jaciel is still in her little birthing position, they can feel her head and the bag of water but she doesn't seem to be budging. I guess she changed her mind. Well it took me a minute to be okay with her change of mind. As much as I know, believe and understand the longer she stays in the better for her health I had a hard time wrapping my head around the screeching halt we've come to. Now I am totally at peace with the fact she is going to happily bake for a little longer and the discomfort I am experiencing is well worth it in the end.
However at first I was just filled with frustration. I was ready, I was mentally prepared for a baby that wasn't going to be able to come home with me and I was ready for ... I was just ready. It was hard to talk myself into being truly at peace with the idea that my child was going to be whisked away from me instantly and have tubes placed in her, placed in a box that was going to protect her from everything unhealthy but also keep her from me. The thought of that isn't easy to be 'okay' with and I did it. Then boom, didn't need to do that to myself. I guess maybe I was upset about having to put myself through those hoops to just be told that it was unnecessary. It actually hurts mentally to put yourself through those mental loops in the first place, I think typing this is the first time I realized why I was so upset. Not to mention the entire experience of being in Labor Limbo, is just not fun.
Now however I know I can get a few more things prepared for her arrival and the more time she spends inside my belly the less time she'll have to spend in any neonatal unit apart from me. The more time she spends inside of the safe place my body provides the less chances she will need plastic tubes, needles and a little plastic box to protect her from a world she wasn't ready to come into contrary to what she may have thought. I like all these perks of her staying put. Her safety is my priority.
As I mentioned things have felt a little overwhelming. I have decided not to beat myself up over the frustration I was experiencing, it won't do any good. I love my daughter and in the long run want the best for her.
I guess essentially the above covers everything that has taken place between the 8th until now. Its been interesting.
Next Appointment Thursday, December 23, 2010