Hot Kitchen... whew!

Well well... I guess I am starting to get back into my groove. I can't say I was totally removed from doing my thing but it took me a minute to get motivated to make advanced meals and actually look at my house and say to myself, "I need to get this crap together." then actually begin doing it. With any big change in ones lifestyle things get thrown of kilter. I am starting to bring things back together, slowly.

Jaciel is napping so sweetly in her swing. The kind of sleep a little one gets is one of a kind. I yearn for the total relaxed slumber. If dreams are had, they must be good ones because all I ever see is smiles while her sleepy body rests up for the next part of her day in this crazy over stimulated environment she is learning about. I couldn't imagine remembering how it felt to be exposed to the wild, interesting world that is around me now and seems so mundane even depressing at times. Yet when its all new it must be amazing. She smiles, and talks so much. The only worry she has isn't even a worry its a given in her mind. To be fed and clean with no doubt that those two demands will be met with soft words and quick hands. Amazed, why can't we remember these peaceful moments before life became filled with responsibilities and demands that aren't met with smiles if met at all.

I thought by now that this experience would become less wonderful. Heck with all the things people say about how hard it is, how little sleep you get and all that jazz I figured by now I would be lying on the floor wishing for a clone of myself. Yet instead I am still happy, and amazed every time I look into her beautiful face. I still tear up a little sometimes at her very existence and the adventures that we experienced together bringing her into being. Last but not least when someone tells me they are pregnant or they are going to see the first Ultrasound, hear the baby's heart going thump thump for the first time. I still feel the lump in my throat, the swelling of tears in my eyes and that unmistakable pressure in my chest that all goes along with a happy cry. I will never forget the intense feelings that came with ever doctors appointment. You'd think I'd be done with all that jazz by now. I'm not and I hope that I never lose that amazement.

Yesterday Jaciel made did it, she finally took a whole bottle from me. I am so happy. Yay!!! Then today she found her feet. She's developing so quickly.

Hope everyone enjoys there weekend. I know I will.

I am less then a month away from full term, irritable probably doesn't actually describe how I have been. Stress was then heightened by current events surrounding money and I have already had one nervous breakdown crying event this week.

"Hello 2011 and Goodbye 2010"

Honestly this year I am sure could have started worse then it has but right now it doesn't feel like it. Yet that is how it goes right. What feels like the end of the world really isn't and although this is very obvious as the flipping out commences it still feels like it is the end of the world. I am there at the end of the world brink but with full knowledge it will get better. Ugh!

Now as for what really counts. Obviously other things are especially important such as baby and baby's health things are good. Baby is healthy and still in my belly. I have been sitting around dilated to a three and a half or so since my hospital experience. Nothing has progressed, nor has nothing been less comfortable then the last month (minus a few days of course). My irritable little contractions are constant, the bigger ones are terribly tiring and it all makes me sore and sleepless. I am happy she is healthy and still holding on or whatever she is doing sitting in there cuddled up in the downward birthing position but I feel like death.

Again, "Hello 2011" Stas and I are doing great minus money problems. Our relationship is still going strong even amongst all the chaotic-ness of life's troubles. Which is surprisingly at a ground breaking feeling of severity right now. I believe my mother is right I am falling apart more easily because I am so far along in pregnancy. Greg claims its because I am worried about my child and he is right about that. These aren't issues I desire to have when trying to protect and guard my unborn baby girl. However thanks to Stas nothing is going is too much for us to take on, we've got each other to count on. THANKFULLY!

I guess that is my end to this post, no new years special posting this year. Just too much to roll into one and cover. Too much of 2010 was sad and disheartening and the good parts ... some of them are just too much MINE for me to feel compelled to share.

Next month will be better, this month we will survive and soon a beautiful baby girl will be born to us.

EDIT - A little more then a month, not less then. Oops.

SMILING

She doesn't seem to be moving as much today and yesterday. However not as much doesn't mean none at all, I still feel her wiggle. I love feeling her wiggle even if complaints about how she jabs and abuses my insides seem to trickle out of me.

I am doing really well with this conscience decision to be happy and less uptight. Of course I am not going to be able to squash all concerns about an early birth being immanent or what might happen. However at the same time I refuse to willingly discard all of the joys and the blessed feeling I have at her existence. That would be foolish and I intend to be anything but willingly foolish when it comes to the creation of our babygirl. She is far too important to us.

Stas, bless his heart has got to be the best man I have ever found. I have never in my life met a man who is so supportive during difficult times. I complain, I bitch, I cry, I throw tantrums (adult ones) at the injustice of life and scream in pillows in reaction to my panicked worrisome personality. Stas, he rubs my back, cooks (he is doing tons better) me meals, works hard in and out of the home and coos me back to tranquility with kind words and sweet innocent caresses. All those things I claim not to need because I am so STUBBORN and RESILIENT, not lies I swear. I just feel really blessed. I just hope I tell him enough times. He needs to know how appreciated he is.

SMILING!

Great Appointment...Six Month Milestone

I can't believe it, I am six months into my adventure. I am over half way and that is amazing. In the words of my close friend and sister "...she will be in my arms before I know it." She's so right! The Cerclage is going to be removed January and its pretty much a free for all from then on. Do you realize how... do I realize how close January is? Ninety-two days, that is three months... that isn't long at all. NOT AT ALL! Oh my lord, whew. I am so happy. Jaciel is doing tumbles as I am saying this and its no lie that during this time frame I feel the most fetal movement because all I ever feel is movement. Even when she sleeps all it does is slow down almost seems like she tosses and turns in her sleep. Doc says she has long sleep cycles right now. Now if only I can get her to sleep when I want to sleep. Ha! Wishful thinking because we all know that won't happen, ever probably.

I already feel blessed and once she is born, in my arms for me to meet in person I am going to be in tears and shock that its all a reality. One part of the adventure has ended and a new one will begin.

I am already amazed by the resiliency she has shown, guess she is like her Mama.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am thrilled to meet it and I can't wait to get some things done in this house. I am going to be moving into our new two bedroom apartment very soon. This is all so exciting. Yay.

Why do I want to cry today, When it is tomorrow?

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me, I can't stop thinking about it already being a year since we said goodbye to our baby girl. I know I should just be happy that right now I am sitting here feeling my little one squirm inside of my belly but its such a different world in comparison to what my heart feels. The pain is a different animal.

If I shouldn't be feeling this until tomorrow; why do I want to cry today? Is today so different then any other day, so many anniversaries seem to be coming up and somewhere in the middle Jaciel should be born and providing us with the joys and stressors of having a newborn. Yet right now I feel blah. I feel pain, I feel sad... I feel all those nasty annoying feelings you feel when you lose someone you love.

Why can't I be happy for one more day before having to face the one year anniversary of her death?

Bedrest Day Three and Four

Yesterday, my wonderful Sunday. Its my favorite day of the week was blessed with two visitors. Crystal brought Noodle and sat with me for a while and Cassandra brought us dinner. We are both very grateful.

This morning Stas woke up and made me a teriffic breakfast, he is really improving his skills. We ate it while finishing a mini series that we stated last night called RiverWorld. One thing about bedrest is one really gets to catch up on their movie watching and missed TV productions. RiverWorld held my interest and provided an interesting concept. Oh we also viewed a little movie called NetherBeast Incorporated . It was an entertaining movie, made me laugh and was positively nothing that I'd typically watch. Again another fact about Bedrest, aside from catching up on things you may have missed while conducting your busy life you get to experience new and interesting things. :) The only type of movie that I doubt I'll agree to trying to watch is a Zombie Flick, which at this very moment Stas is enjoying his guilty pleasure of Zombie Film enjoyment. I just can't do it. I don't know why. Wait yes I do, they are pointless to me. Pointless, ugly and just plain blah. No judgment passed by me on those of you who 'Love' the Zombie genre I guess essentially its no worse then the Vampire genre.

Oh Netflix's how you've become such a close friend, I love you!

Whew, not the idea of 'Christina don't think too much' which is a habit I have had all my life and this habit is becoming more of an issue now that my brain is lacking stimulation. All I have been doing is thinking. Thinking of having a Babygirl and all the things that go with it. Granted I think I am beginning to become a bit more use to the idea. I really love the little outfits but then all things 'little' interest me. Yet my fears still haunt me and boy do they haunt me at my most vulnerable, during my dream state.

As my dear friend and confidant Greg has mentioned to me multiple times a parent never stops worrying. That apparently pertains to ones sleeping hours. This all seems so familiar to me, my worry regarding Jaciel's wellbeing is so similar to my worry regarding Angie and Crystal. The biggest difference is they are actually living life. Jaciel is still enjoying the safety and enjoyment of pummeling my innards with her miniature limbs. I guess that makes me a parent.

What makes someone a parent? Does giving birth to our other little girl make me a mother even know she had passed? Does being pregnant in the first place give you that title? Or is it like how I have always viewed it, as being the actions and unconditional love that you give in the role of 'mother'. Whether it be to a loved one that looks up to you or to your very own spawn. What means 'Mother'?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Its a subject and a question that I have always been curious about guessing its up to personal debate but now that I have all this time on my hands to think so much I guess its been ever more present in my thoughts. I wish someone could make sense of my quandary rather then tell me its only what I view that matters.

What is Motherhood?

Day Two Bed-rest

Essentially its the end of day two, BED-REST. I become more at peace with it now. Its not too bad. Although if I only had a personal chef, things would be much better. I feel bad for Stas because he has ten times more responsibilities on him now that I can't do much. Makes me love him even more even know I don't say it half as much as I should.

She has been active as always which is refreshing and annoying all at the same time. Although right at the moment, as much as a good nights sleep sounds. I am trying to make her move because she is too still. Just can't make me happy can she.. lol

Everyday is one day closer to meeting her. Its amazing how time seems to move so fast when you don't want it to but so slowly when you'd give anything to get to the goal at the end of the road. I want her to come into this world healthy, timely and ... now! If now was when she was suppose to. I am just excited to meet her. I've been waiting so long and each experience I've had just doesn't seem to go smoothly. I am determined to get her here.

Its another late night for Stas at work which means another late night for me. I can't seem to sleep without him home.

I guess its time for another move. I just completed Frida Karlo, which I have to say wasn't a bad move at all!

Good Night.

Bed-Rest

Yesterday I started to feel contractions, I am 22 weeks and obviously its far too early to be having contractions. Our baby is an active little one, I swear she is going to be a gymnast. She is growing perfectly, no problems everything inside is going smoothly until yesterday.

I am suppose to be taking it easy and I was under the impression I had been. Apparently not easy enough. I had began to notice that I felt twinges and such after grocery shopping also after I prepared a meal. Basically any standing or walking for any length of time would cause some twinges. However after about 30 minutes to an hour of sitting it faded away. I had planned to bring this up to Doctor on October 19th, which is my upcoming appointment. Apparently that wasn't soon enough.

Yesterday at about 10AM I began to feel what resembled contractions, and Jaciel had been moving around ten times more then what is normal. Didn't think anything of it besides that it had been a bit annoying. Then the annoying sensation began to become uncomfortable ranging to painful. Called that Doctor about 1PM didn't get a reply by 3PM so a trip to the emergency room ensued.

At first they didn't detect any contractions, they only saw how Jaciel seemed to be going for a world record of kicks in the exact same spot every time. I began to think it was all in my head and I was just being super sensitive to her movements now that she has become stronger.

Then I felt one. After the first one came more.

I got a shot of Terbutaline, which feels like the worst self induced anxiety attack on the planet. They tell me that I am not on Bedrest, modified so I can get up and go to the restroom as many times as desired. However the baby hasn't baked long enough to have a chance.

Now I am going batty and trying to not worry. Its looking like BED-REST is going to be what the doctor orders until birth.

Final Arangements, Lactation, Sickness, Moving

As mentioned in the prior post we had her cremated. I had to push Stas to call his parents and sister to tell them what had happened. It didn't feel like they gave much care that we were having a baby in the first place and they weren't very emotional to our loss. Stas took it very hard but they would never know because they didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We were both hurting horribly. Trying to work through our loss, the death of our daughter.

I lactated as expected, which was horribly painful but it also gave me something to make many jokes about. It broke up the hours of tears. Thankfully Stas is wonderful and supportive. We communicated constantly about how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. Both of us expressed how we missed her and how unfair this all was.

After I dried up, which took a while, I began to become ill. My stomach would hurt badly with eating. I began to throw up often and my bowels were crazy weird. Didn't think too much of it at first thinking it was just stress and sadness.

Then in November I went to the emergency room because the stomach pain was so bad that I was screaming.

1. November Hospitalization - Didn't know what was wrong with me. Noticed I was a bit anemic but chalked it all up to physical manifestations of emotional trauma although the counselor gave me the clear regarding how my emotional state was.
2. December Hospitalization - Again anemic but this time so much so that I developed a heart murmur. Still unknown issues, now saying IBS and still physical manifestations of emotional trauma.
3. March Hospitalization - Now I am being labeled as a drug seeker.
   

By May we moved out of San Francisco and to Visalia. His parents had a fit as expected, his sister isn't speaking to us and her boyfriend is sending inappropriate texts calling me obscene names. This is with her permission.

Tragedy Hits

We conceived May/June time frame. Our baby girl was born in October the 17th of 2010. Obviously far too early to survive at such an undeveloped stage. I was seventeen weeks along.

Reason unknown to us at the time my water broke, no warning, no bleeding just mild contractions and my water ruptured. I went into labor. Stas and I caught a cab, to this day I don't know why we didn't call an ambulance. We went to Cal Pac Labor and Delivery on Cherry Street and found out what I had already known. Our little girl was dead.

I waited to breakdown after the nurses left but it didn't take me long. Stas held me tightly as I sobbed. They gave me two options. I could allow labor to proceed and give birth to her vaginally or they could surgically remove her from my womb. I wanted surgery, I didn't want to remember anymore of this then I had to. Stas wouldn't have it. Surgery is dangerous and it was unnecessary because I was already in labor.

Phone calls were made to my family members, we were moved into a room upstairs and I had been given something to calm myself and possibly sleep before it was time to deliver. Needless to say I didn't sleep and wouldn't stay still, most of it is a blur. I remember saying goodbye and holding her. By that time my Aunt was present and the baby was passed between her, Stas and I so we could say goodbye to our little girl.

She may have had the face only a parent could love but she was ours. Her features were already beginning to set and she looked like her daddy, already long. Stas is a tall 6foot 3inches, while I am a petite 4foot 11inches. We said goodbye, cremated her and she is safe at home where she belongs.

We Miss Our Little Girl!