Lovin' This

The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.

I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.

Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.

Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.

Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.

I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.

A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle at 7PM and join others in creating an endless wave of light for those little ones that didn't make it. House Resolution #222 was passed in the house of Representatives supporting the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 . This is a little known fact but one that should be widely known and participated in.

The loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or pregnancy complications such as Pre-term labor is a startlingly common event and an extremely painful one; it is a loss that most families deal with in silence. Little support is given although there are support groups but they aren't known about, not suggested as often as they should be majority of the time nor are enough of them around. The death of a baby especially in miscarriage is still a taboo subject either ignored due to fear of saying the wrong thing or sadly the loss is even chalked up to something so common that it is as if it's nothing. With words thought to comfort such as "It just wasn't meant to be" or "This was natures way of fixing a mistake." These aren't words that are helpful instead they are rather painful to hear. Nothing is worse then the inadequate feelings and the devastation that is experienced when a baby is lost and this is at any point in the development as well as following birth. Becoming a parent is scary enough and to feel like you have failed in some way is crushing.

I personally have experienced this crushing feeling of failure when it wasn't I who failed. The pain of it is overwhelming, luckily enough when losing my little girl last year in October her father, my wonderful partner, companion and best friend grieved along with me. Tears were shed, lots of communication took place and he carried me when I couldn't carry myself through the process of grief. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that support and I couldn't have imagined having to cremate our baby girl without him by my side. We were offered counseling and opted out of it however we had been glad that it was offered in the first place. We considered it and knew if ever either one of us wanted, felt we needed to go and speak to someone about our experience we could. That alone was a comfort. A comfort not everyone has the privilege to have placed before them.

We need to educate the public about pregnancy and infant loss so they can better respond with kindness and compassion. We need to encourage healthcare providers, hospitals, funeral directors and other employees to give out the books, pamphlets and information regarding support available. These professionals need to be better trained to comfort affected families in order to help along the necessary healing process. Burial helps with the closure needed to move through the painful process of grieving over a loss. Therefore they need to be aware of the rights that the families have available to them so they can properly inform.

Let us please raise awareness and promote openness, and compassion regarding the loss of a child to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal death by recognizing this day of national remembrance remembering our babies.

Day Two Bed-rest

Essentially its the end of day two, BED-REST. I become more at peace with it now. Its not too bad. Although if I only had a personal chef, things would be much better. I feel bad for Stas because he has ten times more responsibilities on him now that I can't do much. Makes me love him even more even know I don't say it half as much as I should.

She has been active as always which is refreshing and annoying all at the same time. Although right at the moment, as much as a good nights sleep sounds. I am trying to make her move because she is too still. Just can't make me happy can she.. lol

Everyday is one day closer to meeting her. Its amazing how time seems to move so fast when you don't want it to but so slowly when you'd give anything to get to the goal at the end of the road. I want her to come into this world healthy, timely and ... now! If now was when she was suppose to. I am just excited to meet her. I've been waiting so long and each experience I've had just doesn't seem to go smoothly. I am determined to get her here.

Its another late night for Stas at work which means another late night for me. I can't seem to sleep without him home.

I guess its time for another move. I just completed Frida Karlo, which I have to say wasn't a bad move at all!

Good Night.