This has been one heck of an adventure, with family, friends and more importantly each other we are making it day by day!
Thank you Stanislav Kalyuzhny for being the best friend, companion and father that I could ever ask for.

Jaciel is here! Pictures.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lovin' This

The beginnings of parenthood. Am I really suppose to miss being pregnant? Really, I am not going to say that pregnancy was all miserable because it wasn't. Feeling her movements inside my belly, the hiccups, the anticipation and fantastical guesses about what she might look like, its all WONDERFUL! Yet other then not missing the discomfort and icky early labor, prodromal labor or any of that, that all truly not being a factor. I don't miss being pregnant. This experience right here, the tiny being laying beside me sleeping, inhaling and exhaling little breaths, blowing tiny bubbles and moving the little teeny limbs is so much better then anything during pregnancy. The diapers, the feeding every two hours none of that makes this stage less then wonderful. Seeing the perfect creation rather then imagining it is worth every feeding and every stinky diaper.

I have read some of these articles about how women have a baby and realize they really don't like being a mother or fear of that eventual feeling. I mentioned it to Stas and he said "You already like being a mother." He tells me I seem happier then he's seen me before. I smile more and my over all self just seems better. Well maybe then this is something I am good at, that I am built to do. Maybe this is my job. I do feel happier, I don't feel exhausted beyond belief or that my life has been stolen. I bathe in the light of the new responsibilities, I don't feel over whelmed instead it feels natural and easy to embrace them. No lie, I am tired at two in the morning feeding her. Again, I completely feel the creeping feeling of 'blah-ness' when trying to get things organized for getting out of the house in the morning. However once I look at her tiny little features that resemble so many family members, including myself of course, every blah feeling or tired bone doesn't seem that important. How can it when I have her.

Maybe people are right that this blissfulness will fade and my new responsibilities will hit a new height once the 'reality' of it all comes into view. However I just don't see that happening. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by trading in some freedoms for this miracle. I don't feel like I am a prisoner by choosing this as my new world. I feel thankful, excited, amazed, blessed! I feel ready for this, like having a family is a natural progression for me. I don't doubt hard days will proceed me but I don't fear them like I use to fear everything else or like I did before. I feel as if my motivation, our daughter is enough to get me through every single hard time. She is my light at the end of the tunnel, she is my trophy after every victory and she is my band aid after each fall. Now all those things are plainly in sight. No longer do I need to search for my strength, she is already in plain sight.

Needless to say after my long paragraph of rambling I am a happy woman right now and I intend to stay that way.

Stas is getting better about changing diapers, rousing in the middle of the night and running on a low battery. You can see the pride in his face especially when he gazes down at her. When her little perfect eyes open and stare unabashed as babies do at him he lights up like a Christmas tree, such a proud Papa. Watching this interaction makes me light up to. So this is what a Papa looks like with his little girl. Does it always look like this? Is it always going to appear as if he has been given the greatest gift every time he looks at her? Even when she is grown? I hope so.

I want her to have that father, that Papa that I had missed out on. Granted I know if her Grandfather was here, if he was alive right now this little girl would be showered with nothing but unconditional love from him. My dad may not have been ideal as a father but he would make sure he would have been the ideal Grandfather loving her like no other. I can only imagine as I tear up thinking about it how many long looks of amazement he would have shined in her direction. Or how he would refuse to put her down. I wish he was here.

A lot of wishes, wants, desires all geared to a better life for this little person next to me and I will do my best to give what I can. Provide what I have the power to provide, protect from what I am capable to protect her from and love with the only love I have to give. I can only hope that its enough and whatever I can't give is given by her Papa so she never wants for any love and support. The most important parts of life.

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