Today was a rarity, it was basically one huge fight. I am frustrated with being stuck not being able to do anything and I am just that, stuck. See I tested out the little theory about my issue, I guess I do have an Irritable Uterus. I decided to do a few things the other day, well guess what... I had contractions last night. So that means bedrest is a must.
Some days I am perfectly okay with it, all I have to say is its for my baby. Other days I feel like screaming bloody murder, strangling Stas and just busting out of this prison I feel like I am in. It does feel like a prison but one with windows allowing an unobstructed view of the things you'd like to do and how they either aren't getting done at all, in the manner you wish them to be or in the time frame you want them done in. Its torture. This is why life in prison has always seemed far worse then a death penalty of any kind.
Stas, bless his heart is doing a great job but its not what I'd do. Nor is the things I want done getting done. I hate having zero control over anything. In the mean time I am making him feel unappreciated when that isn't the case, yelling at him and treating him less then I should. While making myself sob until I begin to dry heave. Not a pretty sight nor a nice feeling. Its just frustrating.
What gives? I am just not allowed to enjoy even the most wonderful, beautiful experience that I of all people could be blessed with. Rather I sit here and am forced to make do.
Really, that is okay because its something I am use to. The rough road has always been the only road for me. No use being bitter, might as well enjoy what I can. I can see her bouncing around in my stomach and my tummy move in response. I can push her in retaliation of a kick and she kicks me back. Its really wonderful and I feel guilty for being selfish. Being human isn't always kind to the conscience.
I am sorry Stas for being a bitch today. I am sorry Jaciel for being selfish yesterday and pushing my luck. I am sorry ... to me for putting myself through more emotional stress then necessary. Time to make that happiness that I desire so much.
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